Friday, September 7, 2012

Sure Thing

"Even when we're down to the wire babe
even when it's do or die
we can do it baby simple and plain
cuz this love is a sure thing..."
 - Miguel

Hello my love bugs... I know it's been a while since I've come and shared my life with you but as of the past almost 3 months I have been all dressed up in love!  I can hardly believe all that life and love has taught me lately and I am in humble awe of the way that my deity has awarded me so greatly with the love of a lifetime.
My relationship has been going well (read: not perfect) and I'm especially grateful for that.  You see what I have been on the journey toward all this time was the authentic love in every form.  I wasn't looking for the lie of perfect prince charming but I also was not going to settle for just any old body.  I wanted my love to be MY LOVE.  To be someone that was my friend, my partner, my supporter, my comedian, my feedback giver, my growth partner, my love... And it looks as though where I am right now is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
The past three months have been a period of transition.  From friend to homie lover friend for both of us.  We've  reached some very high highs and even had some knock down drag outs but even in the midst of that I can say that I am more confident now than ever that this is where we're supposed to be.  I appreciate the arguments that didn't equal break ups.  I appreciate the times when I can tell him I wanna punch him in the face or he can tell me he's not on me.  I appreciate it because at the end of the day we're both committed to forever with one another and we realize that perfection is just as out of the question as giving up.  That's love in my opinion.  The love I've waited for, hoped for, dreamed of, lived for and finally found.  This love is authentic and challenging and rewarding and at times difficult. This love holds a mirror up to me and reveals all those things I need to work on to become a better me but it also highlights all those things about me that are essentially me and beautiful.  This love confirms my faith in all things beautiful and cements my hope for the future.  This love... Is a sure thing...

Until the next song plays...
 - Jazz

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

He Heals Me

"The moment that we met
He made me smile
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea
How long he'll be here
A season or a lifetime
Forever or a year
But for the first time in my life
I'm not worried about the future
Cuz we have such a wonderful time when we're together
However things turn out it's alright
Cuz he's already changed my life..."
-India Arie

As I sit here typing feeling all of what I'm feeling I am almost in a dream state.  As you can probably tell by the song I am in LOVE.  I am currently both in love and in a relationship with the the man of my dreams.  It all seems so unreal to think that just a couple of years ago I was right here typing telling the world via my blog how much I was infatuated by this new friend I met... I knew then that he was someone special, I knew then that he was someone different, but then trials came.  Our friendship yielded joy and pain that I could never have imagined.  Yet with each new victory over the obstacles that got in the way of our bond we grew closer.  More importantly I learned to trust myself.  I learned to always go with my heart and trust the love that was within me.  I think that is the most overwhelming part of this love.  It came as a result of me trusting myself and my feelings and my faith in love.  In the past I have always been the hopeless romantic that just fell... But this time I just knew, to quote one of my favorite movies I knew, "like you know a good melon..."

Needless to say I am elated.  I am in such a great place.  I feel so loved.  I feel like my growth, my journey, my trials, and my epiphanys were all worth it because no matter what happens I finally have gotten to the place where I trust me and I love me enough to do that.  I am in awe of Love right now.  I've said it before, Love is my deity... I trust that God is love and in that I trust that the love inside of me is leading me on the right path, is protecting me, is growing me, is loving me, is teaching me to love, is teaching me to be loved...

I am overwhelmed by love and life and faith right now... Trusting and loving will always yield a better you...
I am really appreciating this part of my journey right now... Healing, growing, loving...

Until the next song plays...
 - Jazz

Monday, March 19, 2012

I Never Told You

"I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you"

Dear You,

As you can tell by the song... I pretty much miss everything about you. As I sit and reminisce about the time we spent together I can't help but smile and feel sad at the same time. For the first time in a long time you gave me something different. You gave me fun and attention and compliments and everything that I was looking for at the time. It's sad that things didn't work out between us and recently I have been reflecting and I just felt like I needed to tell you that I'm sorry.

I'm ready to take responsibility for my part in this. I realize I let too much from the outside influence my behavior and my thoughts about us. I'm sorry that I allowed my fears to trigger your fears and insecurities. I'm sorry that I tried to psychoanalyze everything about you instead of just allowing myself to fall. I feel like instead of me just being completely and authentically me I was so worried about how that would be received so I felt like I needed to be constantly on the offense so that I didn't end up hurt. I just wish I could have had more courage. Courage to just be and confidence to not allow so many things sway me away from what I wanted in my heart.
I'm sorry that you didn't have the best of me. I have some more things I need to work on...

Even in this short amount of time you taught me so much about myself. You taught me that I can be very guarded. You also showed me that I enjoy being swept away and fawned over. I enjoyed being the center of your attention. I miss that. I miss you.... the way we used to laugh, the way we used to be us...

Now that things are over I wish you the best... I hope that you will never forget our time together and I want you to know that you will always hold a special place in my heart for all of these things...


Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Love Love Love

"Love love love
You can't imagine what you did to me, oh baby"

- Donny Hathaway

We are at the end of February, the month of love, and I am in such a good place right now. I chose this song because I wanted to pay homage to all of the wonderful types of love I am constantly surrounded by in my life. I am so overwhelmed by God's blessings and the way He reveals himself to me everyday. I mean this month has been filled with every type of love possible. I just smile and bask in it like the sunshine that has come and marked the beginning of spring.
My friends make fun of me because I can't stop smiling and my attitude is pleasant and bubbly and I think I just am filled with gratitude. Love is such a wonderful feeling. I think that coming to the point in my life where I am really just appreciative of love as an entity that can be found in almost everything, has given me a new perspective on life... Does this mean I've figured it all out? HELL TO THE NO... However it does mean that I have chosen consciously to allow myself to love regardless of the situation and even more importantly I've chosen to allow myself to BE loved... I can't give up on love, I've only just begun to see how much it has to offer...

Love you make me fall more and more in love with you everyday!

Until the next song plays...

Love has completely

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Someone Like You

"Nevermind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me I begged I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Here we are again, February 14 has come yet again and for all of you that know me know far too well how this day for me is always a little hard. I'm that girl, that girl that "loves love". And this day 5 years ago I ended a relationship that was supposed to be forever, called off the one thing that I had been waiting all of my life for, left a man that at one time was the very embodiment of my dream prince charming. And every Valentine's Day I can't help but remember all of the hurt and pain that came with that. I always look back with loneliness in my heart and a mind full of "what ifs". As I began to think about this today I was reminded that this past relationship, past love affair, past almost wedding has held on to me for so long because I've let it. I've allowed this one time in my life to consistently cause me to replay this pain. I've held on to this too long and I've idealized it way too much.
The truth is that day as sad as it was, was the beginning of a new me. That day brought so much power to me that I never even realized I had. That day, I chose ME over all of the things I thought I "needed" or wanted or thought I should have. I decided that I would be fine loving myself. I decided that I wouldn't settle for a love that wasn't real or true or for me. And in doing that I took control of my life back from the idealistic, unreal, untrue, farce that love had become to me. I recognized that not only was I worth so much more but that one day I would have it. I didn't need to settle for someone that was a version of prince charming, I could have the real one and even if he never came I loved me enough.
So today I celebrate for the first time in 5 years I'm freeing myself from this pain. I am surrounded on a daily basis by people that LOVE me truly love me. It may not be the romantic love but it IS real. It IS true. It IS for me. And I can't, won't, will try my best not to complain anymore.
Last night I asked God to show me that I was beautiful, loved and wanted. It's funny how God works... This is the best gift I could ever get for Valentine's Day... I think for the first time I'm ok that sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts...

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Private Party

"Me, my angels, and my guitar
singing baby look how far we've come...
Having a private party learning how to love me
celebrating the woman I've become..."
-India Arie

Wow... I can't believe that in a mere 3 days I will officially enter into my 27th year of life... I am both humbled and amazed by this. As always the time before my birthday is always the time where I am most reflective and introspective. I like to look at where I've been, where I'm going and what my learning is really looking like.

As you well know, this past year has been a hard year for love. Life has been pretty good, I've made some strides in my career and built some beautiful friendships that I am sure will last a lifetime. I've grown a lot, found out a lot about who I am and how I am in the world and I'm still in the process of perfecting my mommy-hood. But the outlier has been that I cannot seem to get this love thing together. I have been searching for the reason why loneliness has been camping out at my house. I've gotten pissed off at love and made up, felt betrayed, used, misunderstood, abandoned, invalidated and just plain done. As I've re-read a lot of my previous posts I grieve for these situations and for the part of me that slowly dies each time something crazy happens in my love life. But today... today I read those same posts and felt proud. Proud of the woman I was becoming. Proud that I was actually taking the time to process, to be vulnerable, to speak my truth, to not feel shame, to not be afraid to feel and try again. See I realize now that because I have an eager heart, I will always be on this path to love of all kinds. In that though I am learning that I don't have to allow all of the bad things to determine who I am or what I am. And I don't ever have to feel ashamed to do what I need to do for me to be ok. Whether that's crying, yelling, reflecting, taking some time for myself, or immersing myself in friendships. I now am clear of what I need and when I need it. I have let go... I'm having a private party!

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

But Not For Me

"I know that love's a game;
I'm puzzled, just the same,
was I the moth or flame?"
-Ella Fitzgerald

This song struck me. In my recent "done with love" state of mind I've really been taking some time to just think about all of it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that has given up on love? Doesn't that just sound like the definition of an oxymoron?
What I have come to realize is that I have such strong reactions to my love disappointments because deep down in my heart I know that it is possible. And it hurts. It hurts to realize that love exists, is beautiful, and great, and pure, and wonderful but not for me. It pains me to see others basking in the greatness that is a healthy relationship and here I sit just an outsider looking in.
What the heck is going on? I think I'm done with my anger and here I sit in utter amazement that something I believe so deeply in continues to masterfully elude me.

I say all of that to say, I really relate to this song... Every time I hear a love song, every time I go to a (non-foolish) wedding, every time something puts me in the "mood for love" I have to catch myself and remember... it's not for me

Until the next song plays...