But Not For Me

"I know that love's a game;
I'm puzzled, just the same,
was I the moth or flame?"
-Ella Fitzgerald

This song struck me. In my recent "done with love" state of mind I've really been taking some time to just think about all of it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that has given up on love? Doesn't that just sound like the definition of an oxymoron?
What I have come to realize is that I have such strong reactions to my love disappointments because deep down in my heart I know that it is possible. And it hurts. It hurts to realize that love exists, is beautiful, and great, and pure, and wonderful but not for me. It pains me to see others basking in the greatness that is a healthy relationship and here I sit just an outsider looking in.
What the heck is going on? I think I'm done with my anger and here I sit in utter amazement that something I believe so deeply in continues to masterfully elude me.

I say all of that to say, I really relate to this song... Every time I hear a love song, every time I go to a (non-foolish) wedding, every time something puts me in the "mood for love" I have to catch myself and remember... it's not for me

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Nobody's Supposed to Be Here

"This time I swear I'm through
But if only you knew
How many times I've said those words
Then fall again, when will I ever learn"
-Deborah Cox

I'm done.

I barely have the strength to type these words but I have to do it. I'm finally at the point where I'm not willing to try anymore. I'm not willing to put myself out there, showcase my fluency of all 5 love languages, flirt, none of it. I can't continue on this route with all of this unnecessary heart break, hurt, anger and resentment. I hate that it's come to this... again. I feel like I fall out with the idea of love constantly but I somehow always have the wherewithal to pick myself up, dust myself off and start again. Not this time. I'm tired. I'm emotionally and mentally tired of the game. The game of meet new person, get hopes up, get hopes crushed, repeat. I'm so disappointed, I'm so frustrated, I'm so over this. I would like to blame my former crush that had no idea that he was my crush, I'd like to blame my ex-best friend, I'd even like to blame my ex-fiance. I can't blame any of them. Those are the breaks you know. In the words of my son, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
It just hurts like hell. I sit here typing this crying, wishing that this was a different conclusion. I just don't understand why it can happen for everyone else and not for me. I want someone to explain it all to me.
I'm listening to this familiar song by Deborah Cox and it's funny because this song has more hope than I have. This song at least is speaking of a possibility that seems to show up when you thought there wasn't one but I don't even have that hope anymore. I just don't believe that it happens any more. It's kind of like the lottery. You see that people do indeed hit the lottery, you see what it takes to win the lottery, you may play the lottery, you may even have friends that hit the lottery, but you never find yourself in the position of hitting the lottery.
What I do love about this song is that she masterfully sets the mood by explaining the situation; how she has wholeheartedly searched for love and "again love has knocked me down" so that is why she places her heart under "lock and key".
In trying to vent to my friends about how I feel it's like they don't ever hear my heart. They don't feel the brokenness, they don't experience the pain. So they give me some bull shit song and dance about a fucking silver lining that I've yet to see. At this point I don't believe in a damn silver lining. Whether there is one or isn't one I just don't really fuckin give a shit anymore. It's not worth this. I'm just tired. I don't wanna do this anymore. I officially give up.
No matter what I do or don't do the result remains the same. So what is the use? What's the purpose of it all? It's not going to happen so why bother? Why continue to put myself out there and continue getting hurt whether intentionally or unintentionally? Why get my hopes up one more time for another "what if"? Why?

No, I'm gonna be content to enter my own reality where I don't have to deal with the lies, the games, the lack of clarity, the ulterior motives, the lack of reciprocity, the not saying what you mean, the being told how to feel or not feel, the whole thing. I'm done.

Love is clearly my enemy and I finally am willing to accept that.

"Ive tried that love thing for the last time.."

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Fall For Your Type

"Can I can I save you from you...
...Trying to convince myself I found one,
making the mistake I never learned from"

-Jamie Foxx

I am so pissed at myself... I have been on this damn journey of growth and learning and what not and here I am again mad (meaning I let my feelings get involved) when I should not even be wasting my time with this bull shit...

How is it that there is one person that I formerly banished from my life and he keeps freaking showing up? I mean I knew this type of guy, he was the guy I fell for in high school, I fell for him in college, hell I even had his baby and even though I PROMISE myself that I will not fall for him again I find myself angry at myself all over again...
The guy I'm referring to is the Charmer. I have always had a soft spot for this irritatingly suave and captivating personality. I blame Disney and their stupid obsession with Prince Charming saving the stupid day. I watched those movies all my childhood and I subscribed to that idea and I fight with myself every time over it. So anyway here I am beating myself up again and of course the song that comes on my Pandora station is... "Always Fall For Your Type" (didn't I tell you my life had a soundtrack???) So I looked hard at the lyrics.
I think what I can most identify with is the fact that in the song he seems to have a regretful tone all the while still allowing the progression of this relationship/fling/interaction. The past for me was the worst. Like I said ever since my first charming love I dated the same type of guy perpetually. Then I took a step back and was like ok get it together, and what happened? I stopped dating altogether. Now in my single hood I have somehow allowed myself to without dating the charming guy, still allow him to piss me off. The crazy thing about the charming guy is that he is never satisfied. He has his #1 and #2 and most likely at least #3 but he ALWAYS wants MORE. And as hard as I am trying to not be any of his numbers I still allow myself to feel anger when I see his advances toward me. Like really? You have all these girls that will allow you to have all these girls but yet you still invite me to the movies, buy me drinks if you see me out and try to hypnotize me with your allure? Get out of my face!!!!

I have been strong and I plan to continue to avoid his advances but I still can't shake this anger that we will never be the people that we want each other to be. I'll never be the "open relationship" girl and he'll never be the "settling down" type. So why do we always fall for each other?

The other frustrating part is that when I try to expand my preferences and date guys that are in no way charming, smooth or suave it's like they don't know how to handle my personality and I end up in the other place that I loathe... The "Friend" box. Ahh I swear dating can be so frustrating sometimes!!!! I'm so glad I have you to vent to... In the mean time I will be doing a couple wooo-saaaahs and reminding myself that my one is out there, hopefully he's the charming guy that does want to settle down...

I just can't explain this shit at all...

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Pieces of Me

"I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care

When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy it's your mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom
Crash, you're all I have"
-Ashley Simpson

So I was getting home late last night from an outing with friends and after I got ready for bed and finally laid down I had this crazy clarifying epiphany. I was laying there in my bed social networking and just letting my mind wander and it hit me...

I am high maintenance...

This is something I have been in denial about for a long time, rightfully so because "high maintenance" girls are NOT usually people that the world thinks highly of... I mean in a world/society where convenience is king who wants to deal with something or someone that requires anything more than the minimum effort, attention, maintenance? So for years I lied. To myself, to family, friends, possible love prospects, hell even (then) current beaus... I lied about what I was, I wanted so badly to not seem high maintenance. I wanted to pretend like I was easy going and nonchalant because those were qualities that I thought were acceptable but today is my official coming out... Coming out of the lie that I'm not high maintenance...

For the record I doubt this is a shock to anyone other than me, I mean especially my brother J. For years he has been telling me this only to be brutally rebuffed by me. But the truth is I am ok now with the fact that I require more than the minimum. I mean I require a lot of attention, I require affirmation, I require quality time, kindness, gentleness, the extra thought and the list goes on... I guess I no longer feel ashamed about this because these are the things I give to the people I love so why not require them in return? And especially thinking about the future and the type of man I want as my husband.

This is why the soundtrack has journeyed to Ms. Simpson.... I can remember the first time I heard this song, I instantly fell in LOVE. This is one of those real love songs and although the quality of the singing may be up for debate ( I personally like her voice) you can't deny the adorable lyrics. In this song she is rejoicing at the fact that she has found someone that she can be authentic with; she is able to finally admit the things about her that may not be the best and not be judged for them but be loved and accepted maybe both in spite of and because of... And isn't that what love is? Well I like to think that it's a big part of this complex thing we call love so here I am ready to admit that I am messy, I am whiny (sometimes), I can be dramatic, I can be cold, I over react sometimes, I like text messages first thing in the morning from the person I love, I would love to have flowers on a Tuesday just because.... And it feels good to proclaim this to the world and not feel the least bit embarrassed. Like Dr. Seuss says, "those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter".

So maybe my future husband will never read this and never get a heads up on what he will embark on, but if he does I like to imagine he'll start reading and develop a smirk on his loving face and then he'll eventually nod at my rant and probably have a couple more things to add to my list but then he will pick up his phone and text me "I love you" just because each of those things on the list are qualities that compose the mate to his soul... He'll know the pieces of me and he will be a piece of me... Yeah, I like that

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz