"I wish I could change
I wish I could change
I wish I could stop
Sayin the same old things
I wish I could be
Who u want me 2 be"
-Robin Thicke
Although I personally am still on an MJ kick, the soundtrack has led me to one of my other favorite male artists... Robin Thicke. I have long been hypnotized by the alluring chords in this song accompanied by his o so pure falsetto and of course the lyrics are what I really want. This song struck me because of it's honesty. The honesty of knowing that you can't give someone what they want, need or are asking for, yet in that you... well you wish that you could. As I have been on this journey, this journey I'll refer to as my quest to explore my inner introvert, I have defiitely pissed off quite a few people. In the past this would have been the least of my worries but now, now I'm starting to realize how my recent inconsistency could lead others to view me as becoming apathetic, distant, or even in some cases just plain old bitchy. I don't want to be viewed as such. Especially since I am continually attempting to be intentional about my words and deeds. And I haven't quite mastered the balance or integration if you will, of taking some time out to focus on me and being a little selfish on top of being everything to everyone as I have done in the past.
I admit, I've gone from one extreme to the other. I went from being completely consumed in everyone else's life, being all things to all people. I got burned out on that. I got tired of not taking care of me, not only that I got tired of noone caring if I took care of me as long as I was taking care of them. So now I admit I'm being a little selfish, but I wish... I just wish that people could understand that. I wish I could go back... even if only to give warning of the upcoming transformation. But now all I can say or tell my friends is that I just am taking time to take care of me... Well I am enjoying it.
I love the fact that I can appreciate my alone time, I love that when I get off work I look forward to going home and spending the rest of the night with my baby boy and I don't have to worry about who needs a ride here, or how much this person needs so they won't get evicted, or even what errand does this one need to run for their week to go smoothly...
So yes for their sake yes, I wish I could be who they wanted me to be... yet I'm glad I can't. I guess I'm just complicated...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
"Someone's Always Tryin' To Start My Baby Cryin'
Talkin', Squealin', Lyin'
Sayin' You Just Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'"
-MJ
So yes the soundtrack is lovin MJ right about now... And more than that this song is perfect for what I'm feeling right now. As always life refuses to let me be content. I have a great job, I'm loving my me time, and I just generally feel good. Yet a stupid situation reers it's ugly head. Let me start off by saying when I'm done with someone I'm pretty much finished talking about any and everything that has to do with whatever lead me to be done with them in the first place. I am, however in the process of trying to do better with that aspect of me. So in with a particular person that met this fate of me being done with them, I had to really search myself and forgive and live and let live. I actually forgave this person. Not only that, I was able to leave any bitterness, and aught that I had behind. I am proud of myself fot this.
So here is the stupid part. There are others that don't feel that this course of action was sufficient for the situation. I have been told that I need to go back to this formerly done with person and "clear the air". WTF? Can I just say that that shit is for the birds. I'm not doing that. I've grown but I haven't grown into stupidity. Furthermore, I personally have not felt an awkwardness toward this formerly done person (I kinda love that term) and based on the previous circumstances the fact that I am where I am with this situation says a lot.
I guess the problem here for me is that I feel that I've done everything in this situation that I'm going to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm either right or wrong for not "clearing the air", I am however being honest with myself and the other parties about what is realistically going to happen on this end. Not only that but I have come to the place where I'm comfortable with that course of action whether it be right or wrong. It seems like it's always somethin.
It seems like someone always has an opinion for me, a course of action they'd like me to take, something they want me to change... I'm getting to the point where I'm fed up with this type of pseudo-constructive criticism. I admit my personality type (ENFP) is such that I am prone to taking things personally so I understand that I may sound a bit ridiculous. But I mean there is a way, a time, a place, a tone that must be intentionally thought about when going there with someone... especially me.
I say all of this not to try and start somethin' but just as a way to vent my frsutrations...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Talkin', Squealin', Lyin'
Sayin' You Just Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'"
-MJ
So yes the soundtrack is lovin MJ right about now... And more than that this song is perfect for what I'm feeling right now. As always life refuses to let me be content. I have a great job, I'm loving my me time, and I just generally feel good. Yet a stupid situation reers it's ugly head. Let me start off by saying when I'm done with someone I'm pretty much finished talking about any and everything that has to do with whatever lead me to be done with them in the first place. I am, however in the process of trying to do better with that aspect of me. So in with a particular person that met this fate of me being done with them, I had to really search myself and forgive and live and let live. I actually forgave this person. Not only that, I was able to leave any bitterness, and aught that I had behind. I am proud of myself fot this.
So here is the stupid part. There are others that don't feel that this course of action was sufficient for the situation. I have been told that I need to go back to this formerly done with person and "clear the air". WTF? Can I just say that that shit is for the birds. I'm not doing that. I've grown but I haven't grown into stupidity. Furthermore, I personally have not felt an awkwardness toward this formerly done person (I kinda love that term) and based on the previous circumstances the fact that I am where I am with this situation says a lot.
I guess the problem here for me is that I feel that I've done everything in this situation that I'm going to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm either right or wrong for not "clearing the air", I am however being honest with myself and the other parties about what is realistically going to happen on this end. Not only that but I have come to the place where I'm comfortable with that course of action whether it be right or wrong. It seems like it's always somethin.
It seems like someone always has an opinion for me, a course of action they'd like me to take, something they want me to change... I'm getting to the point where I'm fed up with this type of pseudo-constructive criticism. I admit my personality type (ENFP) is such that I am prone to taking things personally so I understand that I may sound a bit ridiculous. But I mean there is a way, a time, a place, a tone that must be intentionally thought about when going there with someone... especially me.
I say all of this not to try and start somethin' but just as a way to vent my frsutrations...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Human Nature
"And they say why why tell them that it's human nature..."
-Michael Jackson
It's been a long time and sooo much has happened. In my life, in this world, in time and space. I use this lyric as an homage to the King that we lost much to soon... I also use this lyric as a way to profess my humanity. During the past month and a half I have gone through an attempted censoring in regards to this soundtrack. No need for anymore details but just know I fought for you, for me, for my right to say and write whatever I need to say or write because it's my human nature. Too many times in life when people don't like, understand, or are afraid of words, thoughts, ideas they want to censor them. That my friends is bs. To quote one of our founding fathers (ahem) "I may not like what you say, but I'll defend til my death your right to say it". Why can't more people think this way?
Back to the point at hand.... My humanity. We've previously discussed loving and appreciating one's humanity and all that comes with that i.e. Flaws and All. But now I'm recognizing that this humanity, this human nature if you will is also the tie that binds. There are a lot of things going on in my life and some of the people in it are making some bonehead decisions. I would love to shout at them and say "hey, don't do that" but I can't. I look at them in their desperation, in their time of blatent ignorance and instead of looking at them wondering why, I can't help but see myself. See we all know Miss Jazz has not been the best decision maker in life. Yes I've grown and fallen and gotten up but I know that I will never get to the point where I myself am immune to the bonehead decision. Hopefully I won't revisit a misstep from the past but there are so many new uncharted bonehead decisions to be made... I jest of course but I guess I've said all of that to say... I'm really feelin Micahel for this song... R.I.P. King of Pop... MJ
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
-Michael Jackson
It's been a long time and sooo much has happened. In my life, in this world, in time and space. I use this lyric as an homage to the King that we lost much to soon... I also use this lyric as a way to profess my humanity. During the past month and a half I have gone through an attempted censoring in regards to this soundtrack. No need for anymore details but just know I fought for you, for me, for my right to say and write whatever I need to say or write because it's my human nature. Too many times in life when people don't like, understand, or are afraid of words, thoughts, ideas they want to censor them. That my friends is bs. To quote one of our founding fathers (ahem) "I may not like what you say, but I'll defend til my death your right to say it". Why can't more people think this way?
Back to the point at hand.... My humanity. We've previously discussed loving and appreciating one's humanity and all that comes with that i.e. Flaws and All. But now I'm recognizing that this humanity, this human nature if you will is also the tie that binds. There are a lot of things going on in my life and some of the people in it are making some bonehead decisions. I would love to shout at them and say "hey, don't do that" but I can't. I look at them in their desperation, in their time of blatent ignorance and instead of looking at them wondering why, I can't help but see myself. See we all know Miss Jazz has not been the best decision maker in life. Yes I've grown and fallen and gotten up but I know that I will never get to the point where I myself am immune to the bonehead decision. Hopefully I won't revisit a misstep from the past but there are so many new uncharted bonehead decisions to be made... I jest of course but I guess I've said all of that to say... I'm really feelin Micahel for this song... R.I.P. King of Pop... MJ
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Free
"Free like a flying dove
Free like the moon above
Free like the four letters that spell out L-O-V-E love
Free like the bluest sky
Free like wings up high
Free like... free like...free like....free like"
-Jill Scott
I'm tired. I'm tried of life right now. Maybe it's because I have not had a real break or vacation in like who knows when, or maybe it's because I don't get enough sleep ever, but maybe just maybe it's just me. I mean I feel so drained and nothing as done the job of renewing me.
Now that my program is coming to an end I will have some free time and some me. I wish I could just get away for a while. Away from life as I know it. Away from waking up early and going to bed late. Away from fixing dinner and giving baths. Away from ignorant bosses and even more ignorant coworkers. And yes even away from my leisure activities. I want to escape to a paradise where my only responsibility is to be happy.
Honestly, I want to go to Oakland. O Oakland. That's where my best friend lives. He was always the one that had the capability to make me feel like I was in another place. A surreal state of mind. And although I am making the concious decision not to go there and visit him (for o so many reasons) I still have a vision of what it would be like to do so...
Maybe it's not even about Oakland. Maybe the problem is that I am at the point in my life where I feel like something has to shake! I mean I feel like I'm at a standstill and I just need that breakthrough into my own destiny. These 10 months have been great don;t get me wrong but in my reflection I realize that it was only a transition. Many would look at me and assume that my graduation from this program means nothing but to me this has been a time for such growth. I have litterally been in my coccoon. I have honestly, and wholeheartedly looked at me in the mirror and loved, and understood, and purged, and most of all transformed. I need now to emerge from this coccoon and spread my wings and fly. I need to fly. I need to be free and fly and soar and be. I need to do this. I need to begin again and that means leaving all of this mundane mediocre bs alone. Getting rid of the nouns in my life that aren't worth my time. Getting rid of the doubts in my own mind that try their hardest to hold me back. I've come such a long way just to get stuck in this so I am stepping into my freedom. Stepping into the newness that I have created, and stepping away from everything that I have let go of from the past. It's been almost a year since I made the decision to love me and grow into the me that I was meant to be. I am free now...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Free like the moon above
Free like the four letters that spell out L-O-V-E love
Free like the bluest sky
Free like wings up high
Free like... free like...free like....free like"
-Jill Scott
I'm tired. I'm tried of life right now. Maybe it's because I have not had a real break or vacation in like who knows when, or maybe it's because I don't get enough sleep ever, but maybe just maybe it's just me. I mean I feel so drained and nothing as done the job of renewing me.
Now that my program is coming to an end I will have some free time and some me. I wish I could just get away for a while. Away from life as I know it. Away from waking up early and going to bed late. Away from fixing dinner and giving baths. Away from ignorant bosses and even more ignorant coworkers. And yes even away from my leisure activities. I want to escape to a paradise where my only responsibility is to be happy.
Honestly, I want to go to Oakland. O Oakland. That's where my best friend lives. He was always the one that had the capability to make me feel like I was in another place. A surreal state of mind. And although I am making the concious decision not to go there and visit him (for o so many reasons) I still have a vision of what it would be like to do so...
Maybe it's not even about Oakland. Maybe the problem is that I am at the point in my life where I feel like something has to shake! I mean I feel like I'm at a standstill and I just need that breakthrough into my own destiny. These 10 months have been great don;t get me wrong but in my reflection I realize that it was only a transition. Many would look at me and assume that my graduation from this program means nothing but to me this has been a time for such growth. I have litterally been in my coccoon. I have honestly, and wholeheartedly looked at me in the mirror and loved, and understood, and purged, and most of all transformed. I need now to emerge from this coccoon and spread my wings and fly. I need to fly. I need to be free and fly and soar and be. I need to do this. I need to begin again and that means leaving all of this mundane mediocre bs alone. Getting rid of the nouns in my life that aren't worth my time. Getting rid of the doubts in my own mind that try their hardest to hold me back. I've come such a long way just to get stuck in this so I am stepping into my freedom. Stepping into the newness that I have created, and stepping away from everything that I have let go of from the past. It's been almost a year since I made the decision to love me and grow into the me that I was meant to be. I am free now...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Monday, May 18, 2009
My Life Would Suck Without You
"'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you"
-Kelly Clarkson
What is love? I mean honestly? Is it really all this extra butterflies and bells and whistles? Does it really mean you go gaga over someone and are blind to their imperfections? Well I use to believe in all of the above and ooooo so much more, but now I'm past all of these societal, socialized, definitions of love and I have morphed into Ms. Webster and decided to define my love for myself. I need to do this because I'm at a very critical point in my life. I refuse to let myself be hurt by this crap again.
I have listened to this song over and over and over and it got me to thinking... This is what real love is about. Love is recognizing that a person has made your life better so much so that their absence would cause great anguish. I like this definition. I like the realness of not only knowing yourself, but knowing the other person to the point that you understand but are willing to admit that your life is better with them in it.
I think that if I would have accepted this definition earlier in my life, I would never had to resort to Secrets. I would have understood that it's not about all this extra crap. It's not about a boo just for boo sake. It all comes down to, "an equal beneficial arrangement" to quote Mr. Soulchild. And that my friends is what I want. I think maybe I've found it but never looked at it this way I thought it was too simple. But the simplicity is what makes this sooo beautiful. I need my best friend. I love my phone calls from him in the middle of the night, I enjoy the inside jokes that we share, I most of all relish in the fact that for 10 years we have known and grown and loved each other. I can honestly say, my life would suck without him. So... yeah insert ephiany sound here...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you"
-Kelly Clarkson
What is love? I mean honestly? Is it really all this extra butterflies and bells and whistles? Does it really mean you go gaga over someone and are blind to their imperfections? Well I use to believe in all of the above and ooooo so much more, but now I'm past all of these societal, socialized, definitions of love and I have morphed into Ms. Webster and decided to define my love for myself. I need to do this because I'm at a very critical point in my life. I refuse to let myself be hurt by this crap again.
I have listened to this song over and over and over and it got me to thinking... This is what real love is about. Love is recognizing that a person has made your life better so much so that their absence would cause great anguish. I like this definition. I like the realness of not only knowing yourself, but knowing the other person to the point that you understand but are willing to admit that your life is better with them in it.
I think that if I would have accepted this definition earlier in my life, I would never had to resort to Secrets. I would have understood that it's not about all this extra crap. It's not about a boo just for boo sake. It all comes down to, "an equal beneficial arrangement" to quote Mr. Soulchild. And that my friends is what I want. I think maybe I've found it but never looked at it this way I thought it was too simple. But the simplicity is what makes this sooo beautiful. I need my best friend. I love my phone calls from him in the middle of the night, I enjoy the inside jokes that we share, I most of all relish in the fact that for 10 years we have known and grown and loved each other. I can honestly say, my life would suck without him. So... yeah insert ephiany sound here...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Water Runs Dry
"why do we hurt each other?
why do we push love away?"
-Boyz II Men
I know I haven't been the best blogger. I know I've been gone for a while and haven't been keeping you updated on what the haps are on this soundtrack and I'm sorry. To be quite honest I have been kind of on a long walk alone. By my lonesome. I've been taking a lot of time to think and reevaluate everything in my life. And people have noticed; it's funny just a couple months ago I was so into the idea of spending time with friends and family and new friends that I was not in the least bit concerned about taking time out for myself. And the very same people that I tried so hard to offer myself and my time to, seemingly pushed it away, yet now when I have the notion to be by my dammie, all of the sudden everyone seems to feel pushed away, shut out etc.
Where the hell were these people when my life was in social crisis??? O well you know I just chaulk it up to not missing the water til the well runs dry...
I'm attempting to balance things out now. I want to be there for my friends and loved ones but... I also want to take care of myself and that means appreciating my own water. The life-giving power that is within me is only to be sustained and replenished by me taking time to take care of me. So now I come first, and if that means some people don't get called everyday, so be it. And if it also means that maybe just maybe social butterfly Jazz just doesn't want to be bothered when you feel that she should... my only answer is to get over it!
I have come to understand that people in general, well most people, look out for themselves first. This is cool and expected, but I previously was not one of these people. I used to bend over backwards and try to accomodate those around me until I noticed that those around me were not doing this in return. I don't blame them I blame myself. No one should come before me in my life. The thing I am a little peeved about tho is the fact that now because I am putting me first, people accuse me of being distant, or hermit-like. Again I have to say... they'll get over it. My friends, family, and other loved ones are just gonna have to understand that the day has come when I am my own priority. So hopefully we after reading this blog some of them will gain some clarity on my recent relclusion and they will begin to be more appreciative of the well...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
why do we push love away?"
-Boyz II Men
I know I haven't been the best blogger. I know I've been gone for a while and haven't been keeping you updated on what the haps are on this soundtrack and I'm sorry. To be quite honest I have been kind of on a long walk alone. By my lonesome. I've been taking a lot of time to think and reevaluate everything in my life. And people have noticed; it's funny just a couple months ago I was so into the idea of spending time with friends and family and new friends that I was not in the least bit concerned about taking time out for myself. And the very same people that I tried so hard to offer myself and my time to, seemingly pushed it away, yet now when I have the notion to be by my dammie, all of the sudden everyone seems to feel pushed away, shut out etc.
Where the hell were these people when my life was in social crisis??? O well you know I just chaulk it up to not missing the water til the well runs dry...
I'm attempting to balance things out now. I want to be there for my friends and loved ones but... I also want to take care of myself and that means appreciating my own water. The life-giving power that is within me is only to be sustained and replenished by me taking time to take care of me. So now I come first, and if that means some people don't get called everyday, so be it. And if it also means that maybe just maybe social butterfly Jazz just doesn't want to be bothered when you feel that she should... my only answer is to get over it!
I have come to understand that people in general, well most people, look out for themselves first. This is cool and expected, but I previously was not one of these people. I used to bend over backwards and try to accomodate those around me until I noticed that those around me were not doing this in return. I don't blame them I blame myself. No one should come before me in my life. The thing I am a little peeved about tho is the fact that now because I am putting me first, people accuse me of being distant, or hermit-like. Again I have to say... they'll get over it. My friends, family, and other loved ones are just gonna have to understand that the day has come when I am my own priority. So hopefully we after reading this blog some of them will gain some clarity on my recent relclusion and they will begin to be more appreciative of the well...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Beautiful Suprise
"Whatever it is that you came to teach me I am here to learn it
cuz I believe that we are written in the stars
and I don't know what the future holds but I'm living in the moment
and I'm thankful for the man that you are..."
First let me apologize for the temper tantrum that I left you with. Life has really been playing me, well I guess more like teaching me. Teaching me about myself, teaching me about others, teaching me about patience, teaching me about love. See the last time I posted I was in utter depression/devastation and all because what I wanted to be happening was not happening. Well after living and waiting and healing and reflecting, I realize that it didn't mean that it would never happen. It simply meant, "Jazz chill the hell out!"
Needless to say I'm in a much better place right now. No longer bitter, angry, and ready to give up. And as most of you probably predicted love and I have reconciled and I am once again a humble servant to my deity. I hate to have to eat my words but the truth of the matter is I was at a standstill, a crossroads of sorts that is now being revealed to me had nothing to do with me. Yes I was in "like" with a boy who seemingly did not feel the same way. But his actions or reactions had less to do with me and more to do with him. And not only that but I have a big problem with patience and growth. That sounds bad but I guess a better way to put it is to say that I want what I want when I want it. Not possible all the time, not even possible most of the time.
So there I was giving up on love and resolving to give up on a budding friendship that was great. Sometimes I can be so short-sighted. Fortunately, my bark was a lot bigger than my bite and I realized that I shouldn't give up. Now almost a month later I am in one of the BEST friendships of my life with one of the most awesome guys I've ever met. Will there ever be a love connection? Who knows... but I am content in knowing that there is above all else a genuine love and appreciation for each other, a special bond that connects us and I'm grateful for that. He was sent to me for a reason and whatever it is I am listening, learning, loving... This living in the moment stuff is hard but soo fulfilling...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
cuz I believe that we are written in the stars
and I don't know what the future holds but I'm living in the moment
and I'm thankful for the man that you are..."
First let me apologize for the temper tantrum that I left you with. Life has really been playing me, well I guess more like teaching me. Teaching me about myself, teaching me about others, teaching me about patience, teaching me about love. See the last time I posted I was in utter depression/devastation and all because what I wanted to be happening was not happening. Well after living and waiting and healing and reflecting, I realize that it didn't mean that it would never happen. It simply meant, "Jazz chill the hell out!"
Needless to say I'm in a much better place right now. No longer bitter, angry, and ready to give up. And as most of you probably predicted love and I have reconciled and I am once again a humble servant to my deity. I hate to have to eat my words but the truth of the matter is I was at a standstill, a crossroads of sorts that is now being revealed to me had nothing to do with me. Yes I was in "like" with a boy who seemingly did not feel the same way. But his actions or reactions had less to do with me and more to do with him. And not only that but I have a big problem with patience and growth. That sounds bad but I guess a better way to put it is to say that I want what I want when I want it. Not possible all the time, not even possible most of the time.
So there I was giving up on love and resolving to give up on a budding friendship that was great. Sometimes I can be so short-sighted. Fortunately, my bark was a lot bigger than my bite and I realized that I shouldn't give up. Now almost a month later I am in one of the BEST friendships of my life with one of the most awesome guys I've ever met. Will there ever be a love connection? Who knows... but I am content in knowing that there is above all else a genuine love and appreciation for each other, a special bond that connects us and I'm grateful for that. He was sent to me for a reason and whatever it is I am listening, learning, loving... This living in the moment stuff is hard but soo fulfilling...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
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