"I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you"
Dear You,
As you can tell by the song... I pretty much miss everything about you. As I sit and reminisce about the time we spent together I can't help but smile and feel sad at the same time. For the first time in a long time you gave me something different. You gave me fun and attention and compliments and everything that I was looking for at the time. It's sad that things didn't work out between us and recently I have been reflecting and I just felt like I needed to tell you that I'm sorry.
I'm ready to take responsibility for my part in this. I realize I let too much from the outside influence my behavior and my thoughts about us. I'm sorry that I allowed my fears to trigger your fears and insecurities. I'm sorry that I tried to psychoanalyze everything about you instead of just allowing myself to fall. I feel like instead of me just being completely and authentically me I was so worried about how that would be received so I felt like I needed to be constantly on the offense so that I didn't end up hurt. I just wish I could have had more courage. Courage to just be and confidence to not allow so many things sway me away from what I wanted in my heart.
I'm sorry that you didn't have the best of me. I have some more things I need to work on...
Even in this short amount of time you taught me so much about myself. You taught me that I can be very guarded. You also showed me that I enjoy being swept away and fawned over. I enjoyed being the center of your attention. I miss that. I miss you.... the way we used to laugh, the way we used to be us...
Now that things are over I wish you the best... I hope that you will never forget our time together and I want you to know that you will always hold a special place in my heart for all of these things...
Signed,
Me
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Monday, March 19, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Love Love Love
"Love love love
You can't imagine what you did to me, oh baby"
- Donny Hathaway
We are at the end of February, the month of love, and I am in such a good place right now. I chose this song because I wanted to pay homage to all of the wonderful types of love I am constantly surrounded by in my life. I am so overwhelmed by God's blessings and the way He reveals himself to me everyday. I mean this month has been filled with every type of love possible. I just smile and bask in it like the sunshine that has come and marked the beginning of spring.
My friends make fun of me because I can't stop smiling and my attitude is pleasant and bubbly and I think I just am filled with gratitude. Love is such a wonderful feeling. I think that coming to the point in my life where I am really just appreciative of love as an entity that can be found in almost everything, has given me a new perspective on life... Does this mean I've figured it all out? HELL TO THE NO... However it does mean that I have chosen consciously to allow myself to love regardless of the situation and even more importantly I've chosen to allow myself to BE loved... I can't give up on love, I've only just begun to see how much it has to offer...
Love you make me fall more and more in love with you everyday!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Love has completely
You can't imagine what you did to me, oh baby"
- Donny Hathaway
We are at the end of February, the month of love, and I am in such a good place right now. I chose this song because I wanted to pay homage to all of the wonderful types of love I am constantly surrounded by in my life. I am so overwhelmed by God's blessings and the way He reveals himself to me everyday. I mean this month has been filled with every type of love possible. I just smile and bask in it like the sunshine that has come and marked the beginning of spring.
My friends make fun of me because I can't stop smiling and my attitude is pleasant and bubbly and I think I just am filled with gratitude. Love is such a wonderful feeling. I think that coming to the point in my life where I am really just appreciative of love as an entity that can be found in almost everything, has given me a new perspective on life... Does this mean I've figured it all out? HELL TO THE NO... However it does mean that I have chosen consciously to allow myself to love regardless of the situation and even more importantly I've chosen to allow myself to BE loved... I can't give up on love, I've only just begun to see how much it has to offer...
Love you make me fall more and more in love with you everyday!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Love has completely
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Someone Like You
"Nevermind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me I begged I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Here we are again, February 14 has come yet again and for all of you that know me know far too well how this day for me is always a little hard. I'm that girl, that girl that "loves love". And this day 5 years ago I ended a relationship that was supposed to be forever, called off the one thing that I had been waiting all of my life for, left a man that at one time was the very embodiment of my dream prince charming. And every Valentine's Day I can't help but remember all of the hurt and pain that came with that. I always look back with loneliness in my heart and a mind full of "what ifs". As I began to think about this today I was reminded that this past relationship, past love affair, past almost wedding has held on to me for so long because I've let it. I've allowed this one time in my life to consistently cause me to replay this pain. I've held on to this too long and I've idealized it way too much.
The truth is that day as sad as it was, was the beginning of a new me. That day brought so much power to me that I never even realized I had. That day, I chose ME over all of the things I thought I "needed" or wanted or thought I should have. I decided that I would be fine loving myself. I decided that I wouldn't settle for a love that wasn't real or true or for me. And in doing that I took control of my life back from the idealistic, unreal, untrue, farce that love had become to me. I recognized that not only was I worth so much more but that one day I would have it. I didn't need to settle for someone that was a version of prince charming, I could have the real one and even if he never came I loved me enough.
So today I celebrate for the first time in 5 years I'm freeing myself from this pain. I am surrounded on a daily basis by people that LOVE me truly love me. It may not be the romantic love but it IS real. It IS true. It IS for me. And I can't, won't, will try my best not to complain anymore.
Last night I asked God to show me that I was beautiful, loved and wanted. It's funny how God works... This is the best gift I could ever get for Valentine's Day... I think for the first time I'm ok that sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me I begged I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Here we are again, February 14 has come yet again and for all of you that know me know far too well how this day for me is always a little hard. I'm that girl, that girl that "loves love". And this day 5 years ago I ended a relationship that was supposed to be forever, called off the one thing that I had been waiting all of my life for, left a man that at one time was the very embodiment of my dream prince charming. And every Valentine's Day I can't help but remember all of the hurt and pain that came with that. I always look back with loneliness in my heart and a mind full of "what ifs". As I began to think about this today I was reminded that this past relationship, past love affair, past almost wedding has held on to me for so long because I've let it. I've allowed this one time in my life to consistently cause me to replay this pain. I've held on to this too long and I've idealized it way too much.
The truth is that day as sad as it was, was the beginning of a new me. That day brought so much power to me that I never even realized I had. That day, I chose ME over all of the things I thought I "needed" or wanted or thought I should have. I decided that I would be fine loving myself. I decided that I wouldn't settle for a love that wasn't real or true or for me. And in doing that I took control of my life back from the idealistic, unreal, untrue, farce that love had become to me. I recognized that not only was I worth so much more but that one day I would have it. I didn't need to settle for someone that was a version of prince charming, I could have the real one and even if he never came I loved me enough.
So today I celebrate for the first time in 5 years I'm freeing myself from this pain. I am surrounded on a daily basis by people that LOVE me truly love me. It may not be the romantic love but it IS real. It IS true. It IS for me. And I can't, won't, will try my best not to complain anymore.
Last night I asked God to show me that I was beautiful, loved and wanted. It's funny how God works... This is the best gift I could ever get for Valentine's Day... I think for the first time I'm ok that sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Private Party
"Me, my angels, and my guitar
singing baby look how far we've come...
Having a private party learning how to love me
celebrating the woman I've become..."
-India Arie
Wow... I can't believe that in a mere 3 days I will officially enter into my 27th year of life... I am both humbled and amazed by this. As always the time before my birthday is always the time where I am most reflective and introspective. I like to look at where I've been, where I'm going and what my learning is really looking like.
As you well know, this past year has been a hard year for love. Life has been pretty good, I've made some strides in my career and built some beautiful friendships that I am sure will last a lifetime. I've grown a lot, found out a lot about who I am and how I am in the world and I'm still in the process of perfecting my mommy-hood. But the outlier has been that I cannot seem to get this love thing together. I have been searching for the reason why loneliness has been camping out at my house. I've gotten pissed off at love and made up, felt betrayed, used, misunderstood, abandoned, invalidated and just plain done. As I've re-read a lot of my previous posts I grieve for these situations and for the part of me that slowly dies each time something crazy happens in my love life. But today... today I read those same posts and felt proud. Proud of the woman I was becoming. Proud that I was actually taking the time to process, to be vulnerable, to speak my truth, to not feel shame, to not be afraid to feel and try again. See I realize now that because I have an eager heart, I will always be on this path to love of all kinds. In that though I am learning that I don't have to allow all of the bad things to determine who I am or what I am. And I don't ever have to feel ashamed to do what I need to do for me to be ok. Whether that's crying, yelling, reflecting, taking some time for myself, or immersing myself in friendships. I now am clear of what I need and when I need it. I have let go... I'm having a private party!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
singing baby look how far we've come...
Having a private party learning how to love me
celebrating the woman I've become..."
-India Arie
Wow... I can't believe that in a mere 3 days I will officially enter into my 27th year of life... I am both humbled and amazed by this. As always the time before my birthday is always the time where I am most reflective and introspective. I like to look at where I've been, where I'm going and what my learning is really looking like.
As you well know, this past year has been a hard year for love. Life has been pretty good, I've made some strides in my career and built some beautiful friendships that I am sure will last a lifetime. I've grown a lot, found out a lot about who I am and how I am in the world and I'm still in the process of perfecting my mommy-hood. But the outlier has been that I cannot seem to get this love thing together. I have been searching for the reason why loneliness has been camping out at my house. I've gotten pissed off at love and made up, felt betrayed, used, misunderstood, abandoned, invalidated and just plain done. As I've re-read a lot of my previous posts I grieve for these situations and for the part of me that slowly dies each time something crazy happens in my love life. But today... today I read those same posts and felt proud. Proud of the woman I was becoming. Proud that I was actually taking the time to process, to be vulnerable, to speak my truth, to not feel shame, to not be afraid to feel and try again. See I realize now that because I have an eager heart, I will always be on this path to love of all kinds. In that though I am learning that I don't have to allow all of the bad things to determine who I am or what I am. And I don't ever have to feel ashamed to do what I need to do for me to be ok. Whether that's crying, yelling, reflecting, taking some time for myself, or immersing myself in friendships. I now am clear of what I need and when I need it. I have let go... I'm having a private party!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
But Not For Me
"I know that love's a game;
I'm puzzled, just the same,
was I the moth or flame?"
-Ella Fitzgerald
This song struck me. In my recent "done with love" state of mind I've really been taking some time to just think about all of it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that has given up on love? Doesn't that just sound like the definition of an oxymoron?
What I have come to realize is that I have such strong reactions to my love disappointments because deep down in my heart I know that it is possible. And it hurts. It hurts to realize that love exists, is beautiful, and great, and pure, and wonderful but not for me. It pains me to see others basking in the greatness that is a healthy relationship and here I sit just an outsider looking in.
What the heck is going on? I think I'm done with my anger and here I sit in utter amazement that something I believe so deeply in continues to masterfully elude me.
I say all of that to say, I really relate to this song... Every time I hear a love song, every time I go to a (non-foolish) wedding, every time something puts me in the "mood for love" I have to catch myself and remember... it's not for me
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
I'm puzzled, just the same,
was I the moth or flame?"
-Ella Fitzgerald
This song struck me. In my recent "done with love" state of mind I've really been taking some time to just think about all of it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that has given up on love? Doesn't that just sound like the definition of an oxymoron?
What I have come to realize is that I have such strong reactions to my love disappointments because deep down in my heart I know that it is possible. And it hurts. It hurts to realize that love exists, is beautiful, and great, and pure, and wonderful but not for me. It pains me to see others basking in the greatness that is a healthy relationship and here I sit just an outsider looking in.
What the heck is going on? I think I'm done with my anger and here I sit in utter amazement that something I believe so deeply in continues to masterfully elude me.
I say all of that to say, I really relate to this song... Every time I hear a love song, every time I go to a (non-foolish) wedding, every time something puts me in the "mood for love" I have to catch myself and remember... it's not for me
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Nobody's Supposed to Be Here
"This time I swear I'm through
But if only you knew
How many times I've said those words
Then fall again, when will I ever learn"
-Deborah Cox
I'm done.
I barely have the strength to type these words but I have to do it. I'm finally at the point where I'm not willing to try anymore. I'm not willing to put myself out there, showcase my fluency of all 5 love languages, flirt, none of it. I can't continue on this route with all of this unnecessary heart break, hurt, anger and resentment. I hate that it's come to this... again. I feel like I fall out with the idea of love constantly but I somehow always have the wherewithal to pick myself up, dust myself off and start again. Not this time. I'm tired. I'm emotionally and mentally tired of the game. The game of meet new person, get hopes up, get hopes crushed, repeat. I'm so disappointed, I'm so frustrated, I'm so over this. I would like to blame my former crush that had no idea that he was my crush, I'd like to blame my ex-best friend, I'd even like to blame my ex-fiance. I can't blame any of them. Those are the breaks you know. In the words of my son, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
It just hurts like hell. I sit here typing this crying, wishing that this was a different conclusion. I just don't understand why it can happen for everyone else and not for me. I want someone to explain it all to me.
I'm listening to this familiar song by Deborah Cox and it's funny because this song has more hope than I have. This song at least is speaking of a possibility that seems to show up when you thought there wasn't one but I don't even have that hope anymore. I just don't believe that it happens any more. It's kind of like the lottery. You see that people do indeed hit the lottery, you see what it takes to win the lottery, you may play the lottery, you may even have friends that hit the lottery, but you never find yourself in the position of hitting the lottery.
What I do love about this song is that she masterfully sets the mood by explaining the situation; how she has wholeheartedly searched for love and "again love has knocked me down" so that is why she places her heart under "lock and key".
In trying to vent to my friends about how I feel it's like they don't ever hear my heart. They don't feel the brokenness, they don't experience the pain. So they give me some bull shit song and dance about a fucking silver lining that I've yet to see. At this point I don't believe in a damn silver lining. Whether there is one or isn't one I just don't really fuckin give a shit anymore. It's not worth this. I'm just tired. I don't wanna do this anymore. I officially give up.
No matter what I do or don't do the result remains the same. So what is the use? What's the purpose of it all? It's not going to happen so why bother? Why continue to put myself out there and continue getting hurt whether intentionally or unintentionally? Why get my hopes up one more time for another "what if"? Why?
No, I'm gonna be content to enter my own reality where I don't have to deal with the lies, the games, the lack of clarity, the ulterior motives, the lack of reciprocity, the not saying what you mean, the being told how to feel or not feel, the whole thing. I'm done.
Love is clearly my enemy and I finally am willing to accept that.
"Ive tried that love thing for the last time.."
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
But if only you knew
How many times I've said those words
Then fall again, when will I ever learn"
-Deborah Cox
I'm done.
I barely have the strength to type these words but I have to do it. I'm finally at the point where I'm not willing to try anymore. I'm not willing to put myself out there, showcase my fluency of all 5 love languages, flirt, none of it. I can't continue on this route with all of this unnecessary heart break, hurt, anger and resentment. I hate that it's come to this... again. I feel like I fall out with the idea of love constantly but I somehow always have the wherewithal to pick myself up, dust myself off and start again. Not this time. I'm tired. I'm emotionally and mentally tired of the game. The game of meet new person, get hopes up, get hopes crushed, repeat. I'm so disappointed, I'm so frustrated, I'm so over this. I would like to blame my former crush that had no idea that he was my crush, I'd like to blame my ex-best friend, I'd even like to blame my ex-fiance. I can't blame any of them. Those are the breaks you know. In the words of my son, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
It just hurts like hell. I sit here typing this crying, wishing that this was a different conclusion. I just don't understand why it can happen for everyone else and not for me. I want someone to explain it all to me.
I'm listening to this familiar song by Deborah Cox and it's funny because this song has more hope than I have. This song at least is speaking of a possibility that seems to show up when you thought there wasn't one but I don't even have that hope anymore. I just don't believe that it happens any more. It's kind of like the lottery. You see that people do indeed hit the lottery, you see what it takes to win the lottery, you may play the lottery, you may even have friends that hit the lottery, but you never find yourself in the position of hitting the lottery.
What I do love about this song is that she masterfully sets the mood by explaining the situation; how she has wholeheartedly searched for love and "again love has knocked me down" so that is why she places her heart under "lock and key".
In trying to vent to my friends about how I feel it's like they don't ever hear my heart. They don't feel the brokenness, they don't experience the pain. So they give me some bull shit song and dance about a fucking silver lining that I've yet to see. At this point I don't believe in a damn silver lining. Whether there is one or isn't one I just don't really fuckin give a shit anymore. It's not worth this. I'm just tired. I don't wanna do this anymore. I officially give up.
No matter what I do or don't do the result remains the same. So what is the use? What's the purpose of it all? It's not going to happen so why bother? Why continue to put myself out there and continue getting hurt whether intentionally or unintentionally? Why get my hopes up one more time for another "what if"? Why?
No, I'm gonna be content to enter my own reality where I don't have to deal with the lies, the games, the lack of clarity, the ulterior motives, the lack of reciprocity, the not saying what you mean, the being told how to feel or not feel, the whole thing. I'm done.
Love is clearly my enemy and I finally am willing to accept that.
"Ive tried that love thing for the last time.."
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Fall For Your Type
"Can I can I save you from you...
...Trying to convince myself I found one,
making the mistake I never learned from"
-Jamie Foxx
I am so pissed at myself... I have been on this damn journey of growth and learning and what not and here I am again mad (meaning I let my feelings get involved) when I should not even be wasting my time with this bull shit...
How is it that there is one person that I formerly banished from my life and he keeps freaking showing up? I mean I knew this type of guy, he was the guy I fell for in high school, I fell for him in college, hell I even had his baby and even though I PROMISE myself that I will not fall for him again I find myself angry at myself all over again...
The guy I'm referring to is the Charmer. I have always had a soft spot for this irritatingly suave and captivating personality. I blame Disney and their stupid obsession with Prince Charming saving the stupid day. I watched those movies all my childhood and I subscribed to that idea and I fight with myself every time over it. So anyway here I am beating myself up again and of course the song that comes on my Pandora station is... "Always Fall For Your Type" (didn't I tell you my life had a soundtrack???) So I looked hard at the lyrics.
I think what I can most identify with is the fact that in the song he seems to have a regretful tone all the while still allowing the progression of this relationship/fling/interaction. The past for me was the worst. Like I said ever since my first charming love I dated the same type of guy perpetually. Then I took a step back and was like ok get it together, and what happened? I stopped dating altogether. Now in my single hood I have somehow allowed myself to without dating the charming guy, still allow him to piss me off. The crazy thing about the charming guy is that he is never satisfied. He has his #1 and #2 and most likely at least #3 but he ALWAYS wants MORE. And as hard as I am trying to not be any of his numbers I still allow myself to feel anger when I see his advances toward me. Like really? You have all these girls that will allow you to have all these girls but yet you still invite me to the movies, buy me drinks if you see me out and try to hypnotize me with your allure? Get out of my face!!!!
I have been strong and I plan to continue to avoid his advances but I still can't shake this anger that we will never be the people that we want each other to be. I'll never be the "open relationship" girl and he'll never be the "settling down" type. So why do we always fall for each other?
The other frustrating part is that when I try to expand my preferences and date guys that are in no way charming, smooth or suave it's like they don't know how to handle my personality and I end up in the other place that I loathe... The "Friend" box. Ahh I swear dating can be so frustrating sometimes!!!! I'm so glad I have you to vent to... In the mean time I will be doing a couple wooo-saaaahs and reminding myself that my one is out there, hopefully he's the charming guy that does want to settle down...
I just can't explain this shit at all...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
...Trying to convince myself I found one,
making the mistake I never learned from"
-Jamie Foxx
I am so pissed at myself... I have been on this damn journey of growth and learning and what not and here I am again mad (meaning I let my feelings get involved) when I should not even be wasting my time with this bull shit...
How is it that there is one person that I formerly banished from my life and he keeps freaking showing up? I mean I knew this type of guy, he was the guy I fell for in high school, I fell for him in college, hell I even had his baby and even though I PROMISE myself that I will not fall for him again I find myself angry at myself all over again...
The guy I'm referring to is the Charmer. I have always had a soft spot for this irritatingly suave and captivating personality. I blame Disney and their stupid obsession with Prince Charming saving the stupid day. I watched those movies all my childhood and I subscribed to that idea and I fight with myself every time over it. So anyway here I am beating myself up again and of course the song that comes on my Pandora station is... "Always Fall For Your Type" (didn't I tell you my life had a soundtrack???) So I looked hard at the lyrics.
I think what I can most identify with is the fact that in the song he seems to have a regretful tone all the while still allowing the progression of this relationship/fling/interaction. The past for me was the worst. Like I said ever since my first charming love I dated the same type of guy perpetually. Then I took a step back and was like ok get it together, and what happened? I stopped dating altogether. Now in my single hood I have somehow allowed myself to without dating the charming guy, still allow him to piss me off. The crazy thing about the charming guy is that he is never satisfied. He has his #1 and #2 and most likely at least #3 but he ALWAYS wants MORE. And as hard as I am trying to not be any of his numbers I still allow myself to feel anger when I see his advances toward me. Like really? You have all these girls that will allow you to have all these girls but yet you still invite me to the movies, buy me drinks if you see me out and try to hypnotize me with your allure? Get out of my face!!!!
I have been strong and I plan to continue to avoid his advances but I still can't shake this anger that we will never be the people that we want each other to be. I'll never be the "open relationship" girl and he'll never be the "settling down" type. So why do we always fall for each other?
The other frustrating part is that when I try to expand my preferences and date guys that are in no way charming, smooth or suave it's like they don't know how to handle my personality and I end up in the other place that I loathe... The "Friend" box. Ahh I swear dating can be so frustrating sometimes!!!! I'm so glad I have you to vent to... In the mean time I will be doing a couple wooo-saaaahs and reminding myself that my one is out there, hopefully he's the charming guy that does want to settle down...
I just can't explain this shit at all...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
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