"Free like a flying dove
Free like the moon above
Free like the four letters that spell out L-O-V-E love
Free like the bluest sky
Free like wings up high
Free like... free like...free like....free like"
-Jill Scott
I'm tired. I'm tried of life right now. Maybe it's because I have not had a real break or vacation in like who knows when, or maybe it's because I don't get enough sleep ever, but maybe just maybe it's just me. I mean I feel so drained and nothing as done the job of renewing me.
Now that my program is coming to an end I will have some free time and some me. I wish I could just get away for a while. Away from life as I know it. Away from waking up early and going to bed late. Away from fixing dinner and giving baths. Away from ignorant bosses and even more ignorant coworkers. And yes even away from my leisure activities. I want to escape to a paradise where my only responsibility is to be happy.
Honestly, I want to go to Oakland. O Oakland. That's where my best friend lives. He was always the one that had the capability to make me feel like I was in another place. A surreal state of mind. And although I am making the concious decision not to go there and visit him (for o so many reasons) I still have a vision of what it would be like to do so...
Maybe it's not even about Oakland. Maybe the problem is that I am at the point in my life where I feel like something has to shake! I mean I feel like I'm at a standstill and I just need that breakthrough into my own destiny. These 10 months have been great don;t get me wrong but in my reflection I realize that it was only a transition. Many would look at me and assume that my graduation from this program means nothing but to me this has been a time for such growth. I have litterally been in my coccoon. I have honestly, and wholeheartedly looked at me in the mirror and loved, and understood, and purged, and most of all transformed. I need now to emerge from this coccoon and spread my wings and fly. I need to fly. I need to be free and fly and soar and be. I need to do this. I need to begin again and that means leaving all of this mundane mediocre bs alone. Getting rid of the nouns in my life that aren't worth my time. Getting rid of the doubts in my own mind that try their hardest to hold me back. I've come such a long way just to get stuck in this so I am stepping into my freedom. Stepping into the newness that I have created, and stepping away from everything that I have let go of from the past. It's been almost a year since I made the decision to love me and grow into the me that I was meant to be. I am free now...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
My Life Would Suck Without You
"'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you"
-Kelly Clarkson
What is love? I mean honestly? Is it really all this extra butterflies and bells and whistles? Does it really mean you go gaga over someone and are blind to their imperfections? Well I use to believe in all of the above and ooooo so much more, but now I'm past all of these societal, socialized, definitions of love and I have morphed into Ms. Webster and decided to define my love for myself. I need to do this because I'm at a very critical point in my life. I refuse to let myself be hurt by this crap again.
I have listened to this song over and over and over and it got me to thinking... This is what real love is about. Love is recognizing that a person has made your life better so much so that their absence would cause great anguish. I like this definition. I like the realness of not only knowing yourself, but knowing the other person to the point that you understand but are willing to admit that your life is better with them in it.
I think that if I would have accepted this definition earlier in my life, I would never had to resort to Secrets. I would have understood that it's not about all this extra crap. It's not about a boo just for boo sake. It all comes down to, "an equal beneficial arrangement" to quote Mr. Soulchild. And that my friends is what I want. I think maybe I've found it but never looked at it this way I thought it was too simple. But the simplicity is what makes this sooo beautiful. I need my best friend. I love my phone calls from him in the middle of the night, I enjoy the inside jokes that we share, I most of all relish in the fact that for 10 years we have known and grown and loved each other. I can honestly say, my life would suck without him. So... yeah insert ephiany sound here...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you"
-Kelly Clarkson
What is love? I mean honestly? Is it really all this extra butterflies and bells and whistles? Does it really mean you go gaga over someone and are blind to their imperfections? Well I use to believe in all of the above and ooooo so much more, but now I'm past all of these societal, socialized, definitions of love and I have morphed into Ms. Webster and decided to define my love for myself. I need to do this because I'm at a very critical point in my life. I refuse to let myself be hurt by this crap again.
I have listened to this song over and over and over and it got me to thinking... This is what real love is about. Love is recognizing that a person has made your life better so much so that their absence would cause great anguish. I like this definition. I like the realness of not only knowing yourself, but knowing the other person to the point that you understand but are willing to admit that your life is better with them in it.
I think that if I would have accepted this definition earlier in my life, I would never had to resort to Secrets. I would have understood that it's not about all this extra crap. It's not about a boo just for boo sake. It all comes down to, "an equal beneficial arrangement" to quote Mr. Soulchild. And that my friends is what I want. I think maybe I've found it but never looked at it this way I thought it was too simple. But the simplicity is what makes this sooo beautiful. I need my best friend. I love my phone calls from him in the middle of the night, I enjoy the inside jokes that we share, I most of all relish in the fact that for 10 years we have known and grown and loved each other. I can honestly say, my life would suck without him. So... yeah insert ephiany sound here...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Water Runs Dry
"why do we hurt each other?
why do we push love away?"
-Boyz II Men
I know I haven't been the best blogger. I know I've been gone for a while and haven't been keeping you updated on what the haps are on this soundtrack and I'm sorry. To be quite honest I have been kind of on a long walk alone. By my lonesome. I've been taking a lot of time to think and reevaluate everything in my life. And people have noticed; it's funny just a couple months ago I was so into the idea of spending time with friends and family and new friends that I was not in the least bit concerned about taking time out for myself. And the very same people that I tried so hard to offer myself and my time to, seemingly pushed it away, yet now when I have the notion to be by my dammie, all of the sudden everyone seems to feel pushed away, shut out etc.
Where the hell were these people when my life was in social crisis??? O well you know I just chaulk it up to not missing the water til the well runs dry...
I'm attempting to balance things out now. I want to be there for my friends and loved ones but... I also want to take care of myself and that means appreciating my own water. The life-giving power that is within me is only to be sustained and replenished by me taking time to take care of me. So now I come first, and if that means some people don't get called everyday, so be it. And if it also means that maybe just maybe social butterfly Jazz just doesn't want to be bothered when you feel that she should... my only answer is to get over it!
I have come to understand that people in general, well most people, look out for themselves first. This is cool and expected, but I previously was not one of these people. I used to bend over backwards and try to accomodate those around me until I noticed that those around me were not doing this in return. I don't blame them I blame myself. No one should come before me in my life. The thing I am a little peeved about tho is the fact that now because I am putting me first, people accuse me of being distant, or hermit-like. Again I have to say... they'll get over it. My friends, family, and other loved ones are just gonna have to understand that the day has come when I am my own priority. So hopefully we after reading this blog some of them will gain some clarity on my recent relclusion and they will begin to be more appreciative of the well...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
why do we push love away?"
-Boyz II Men
I know I haven't been the best blogger. I know I've been gone for a while and haven't been keeping you updated on what the haps are on this soundtrack and I'm sorry. To be quite honest I have been kind of on a long walk alone. By my lonesome. I've been taking a lot of time to think and reevaluate everything in my life. And people have noticed; it's funny just a couple months ago I was so into the idea of spending time with friends and family and new friends that I was not in the least bit concerned about taking time out for myself. And the very same people that I tried so hard to offer myself and my time to, seemingly pushed it away, yet now when I have the notion to be by my dammie, all of the sudden everyone seems to feel pushed away, shut out etc.
Where the hell were these people when my life was in social crisis??? O well you know I just chaulk it up to not missing the water til the well runs dry...
I'm attempting to balance things out now. I want to be there for my friends and loved ones but... I also want to take care of myself and that means appreciating my own water. The life-giving power that is within me is only to be sustained and replenished by me taking time to take care of me. So now I come first, and if that means some people don't get called everyday, so be it. And if it also means that maybe just maybe social butterfly Jazz just doesn't want to be bothered when you feel that she should... my only answer is to get over it!
I have come to understand that people in general, well most people, look out for themselves first. This is cool and expected, but I previously was not one of these people. I used to bend over backwards and try to accomodate those around me until I noticed that those around me were not doing this in return. I don't blame them I blame myself. No one should come before me in my life. The thing I am a little peeved about tho is the fact that now because I am putting me first, people accuse me of being distant, or hermit-like. Again I have to say... they'll get over it. My friends, family, and other loved ones are just gonna have to understand that the day has come when I am my own priority. So hopefully we after reading this blog some of them will gain some clarity on my recent relclusion and they will begin to be more appreciative of the well...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Beautiful Suprise
"Whatever it is that you came to teach me I am here to learn it
cuz I believe that we are written in the stars
and I don't know what the future holds but I'm living in the moment
and I'm thankful for the man that you are..."
First let me apologize for the temper tantrum that I left you with. Life has really been playing me, well I guess more like teaching me. Teaching me about myself, teaching me about others, teaching me about patience, teaching me about love. See the last time I posted I was in utter depression/devastation and all because what I wanted to be happening was not happening. Well after living and waiting and healing and reflecting, I realize that it didn't mean that it would never happen. It simply meant, "Jazz chill the hell out!"
Needless to say I'm in a much better place right now. No longer bitter, angry, and ready to give up. And as most of you probably predicted love and I have reconciled and I am once again a humble servant to my deity. I hate to have to eat my words but the truth of the matter is I was at a standstill, a crossroads of sorts that is now being revealed to me had nothing to do with me. Yes I was in "like" with a boy who seemingly did not feel the same way. But his actions or reactions had less to do with me and more to do with him. And not only that but I have a big problem with patience and growth. That sounds bad but I guess a better way to put it is to say that I want what I want when I want it. Not possible all the time, not even possible most of the time.
So there I was giving up on love and resolving to give up on a budding friendship that was great. Sometimes I can be so short-sighted. Fortunately, my bark was a lot bigger than my bite and I realized that I shouldn't give up. Now almost a month later I am in one of the BEST friendships of my life with one of the most awesome guys I've ever met. Will there ever be a love connection? Who knows... but I am content in knowing that there is above all else a genuine love and appreciation for each other, a special bond that connects us and I'm grateful for that. He was sent to me for a reason and whatever it is I am listening, learning, loving... This living in the moment stuff is hard but soo fulfilling...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
cuz I believe that we are written in the stars
and I don't know what the future holds but I'm living in the moment
and I'm thankful for the man that you are..."
First let me apologize for the temper tantrum that I left you with. Life has really been playing me, well I guess more like teaching me. Teaching me about myself, teaching me about others, teaching me about patience, teaching me about love. See the last time I posted I was in utter depression/devastation and all because what I wanted to be happening was not happening. Well after living and waiting and healing and reflecting, I realize that it didn't mean that it would never happen. It simply meant, "Jazz chill the hell out!"
Needless to say I'm in a much better place right now. No longer bitter, angry, and ready to give up. And as most of you probably predicted love and I have reconciled and I am once again a humble servant to my deity. I hate to have to eat my words but the truth of the matter is I was at a standstill, a crossroads of sorts that is now being revealed to me had nothing to do with me. Yes I was in "like" with a boy who seemingly did not feel the same way. But his actions or reactions had less to do with me and more to do with him. And not only that but I have a big problem with patience and growth. That sounds bad but I guess a better way to put it is to say that I want what I want when I want it. Not possible all the time, not even possible most of the time.
So there I was giving up on love and resolving to give up on a budding friendship that was great. Sometimes I can be so short-sighted. Fortunately, my bark was a lot bigger than my bite and I realized that I shouldn't give up. Now almost a month later I am in one of the BEST friendships of my life with one of the most awesome guys I've ever met. Will there ever be a love connection? Who knows... but I am content in knowing that there is above all else a genuine love and appreciation for each other, a special bond that connects us and I'm grateful for that. He was sent to me for a reason and whatever it is I am listening, learning, loving... This living in the moment stuff is hard but soo fulfilling...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Let It Flow
"First thing Monday morning, I'm gonna pack my tears away..."
-Toni Braxton
I'm hurt. I'm utterly devastated. And the thing about it is, I'm not even afraid to say so. Since it happened last night, I have felt on the brink of tears. All day I have been listening to sad love songs. Secrets has been found, dusted off, and on repeat. Here I am yet again in the same damn situation. I'm so sick and fuckin tired of being sick and tired. This hopeless romantic shit is for the birds. I'm angry at love and life and everyone and everything. I deserve better than this. I'm entitled to at least a fair chance at this thing. But no. Not for me. All I get is disappointment and the feeling that love is playing games with me to get it's fuckin jollies. I'm sad, disappointed, mad, angry, distraught and even worse... at the point of giving up.
Love is not supposed to be this hard! Where is my reward for giving my all? My consolation for believing completely and utterly in love? Is this how love treats it's most dedicated servant? After everything we've been through, after I lost hope in everything else in life but still clung to my hope in you? All this only to be brutally rebuffed by the only thing I thought I could trust to be honest and true?
I'm finished. Well not yet. I will morn this for a bit. I will grieve not only the situation, but the conclusion it's brought me to. I will grieve for love. I will grieve for feelings in general. I will grieve because after disappointments like this time after time, a part of me has died on the inside. I never asked for much but I guess it still isn't for me. I just don't wanna try anymore. I bow out.
Monday morning... I'm breaking up with love.
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
-Toni Braxton
I'm hurt. I'm utterly devastated. And the thing about it is, I'm not even afraid to say so. Since it happened last night, I have felt on the brink of tears. All day I have been listening to sad love songs. Secrets has been found, dusted off, and on repeat. Here I am yet again in the same damn situation. I'm so sick and fuckin tired of being sick and tired. This hopeless romantic shit is for the birds. I'm angry at love and life and everyone and everything. I deserve better than this. I'm entitled to at least a fair chance at this thing. But no. Not for me. All I get is disappointment and the feeling that love is playing games with me to get it's fuckin jollies. I'm sad, disappointed, mad, angry, distraught and even worse... at the point of giving up.
Love is not supposed to be this hard! Where is my reward for giving my all? My consolation for believing completely and utterly in love? Is this how love treats it's most dedicated servant? After everything we've been through, after I lost hope in everything else in life but still clung to my hope in you? All this only to be brutally rebuffed by the only thing I thought I could trust to be honest and true?
I'm finished. Well not yet. I will morn this for a bit. I will grieve not only the situation, but the conclusion it's brought me to. I will grieve for love. I will grieve for feelings in general. I will grieve because after disappointments like this time after time, a part of me has died on the inside. I never asked for much but I guess it still isn't for me. I just don't wanna try anymore. I bow out.
Monday morning... I'm breaking up with love.
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
If Only You Knew
"I must have rehearsed my lines a thousand times,
Until I had them memorized.
But when I get up the nerve to tell you,
the words that never seem to come out right..."
-Patti Labelle
Ok we're back to the crush. I have tried. I have tried and tried to be cool, and to just sit back and relax. It's not working people! I even took some time to be away from the whole situation and pretend that I was not so totally into this youong man, but that only worked for as long as I didn't have to look into his gorgeous eyes. The moment that I saw him, hugged him, talked on the phone til midnight to him, I again became putty. Ugh! I am supposed to be stronger than this.
So now, I am at the point of either A) choosing to continue on in this maddness until I either pop, or he decides to say something to me. Or... B) I can muster up the courage to have "the talk" with him. This talk would be comepletely mortifying for me. You know how in your mind the whole scenario goes great, and wonderful and it's all carebears and rainbows? but in reality it could possibly go horribly. My scenario is so perfect in my head that I don't think it's even possible for reality to measure up. I have no idea really what I should do. All I do know is that I have developed these feelings and I have absolutely no clue what to do with them. I mean do I want a boyfriend? Is he able to even give me that if I do want it? Even if he doesn't want the same things as me could we still maintain our awesome friendship? So so so many questions...
I just wish instead of actually talking to him, I could just offer this information through osmosis or something like that... I know that is silly but seriously! I know what I need to do. I know what I want, and I know that I have to be intentional in my own life. All this time I've been waiting on something and I haven't been honest with myself about why I even want that. I mean why does it mean so much to me that he make the first move? Or what does that have to do with anything? What does making the first move mean anyway? He is the one that initiated the friendship... I dunno I probably sound like a bumbling idiot right now.
This would be so much easier if I didn't have to tell him and he just knew...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Until I had them memorized.
But when I get up the nerve to tell you,
the words that never seem to come out right..."
-Patti Labelle
Ok we're back to the crush. I have tried. I have tried and tried to be cool, and to just sit back and relax. It's not working people! I even took some time to be away from the whole situation and pretend that I was not so totally into this youong man, but that only worked for as long as I didn't have to look into his gorgeous eyes. The moment that I saw him, hugged him, talked on the phone til midnight to him, I again became putty. Ugh! I am supposed to be stronger than this.
So now, I am at the point of either A) choosing to continue on in this maddness until I either pop, or he decides to say something to me. Or... B) I can muster up the courage to have "the talk" with him. This talk would be comepletely mortifying for me. You know how in your mind the whole scenario goes great, and wonderful and it's all carebears and rainbows? but in reality it could possibly go horribly. My scenario is so perfect in my head that I don't think it's even possible for reality to measure up. I have no idea really what I should do. All I do know is that I have developed these feelings and I have absolutely no clue what to do with them. I mean do I want a boyfriend? Is he able to even give me that if I do want it? Even if he doesn't want the same things as me could we still maintain our awesome friendship? So so so many questions...
I just wish instead of actually talking to him, I could just offer this information through osmosis or something like that... I know that is silly but seriously! I know what I need to do. I know what I want, and I know that I have to be intentional in my own life. All this time I've been waiting on something and I haven't been honest with myself about why I even want that. I mean why does it mean so much to me that he make the first move? Or what does that have to do with anything? What does making the first move mean anyway? He is the one that initiated the friendship... I dunno I probably sound like a bumbling idiot right now.
This would be so much easier if I didn't have to tell him and he just knew...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Summer Rain
"So go ahead and make it rain
You bring the sunshine back again
So go ahead and make it rain
Your tender touches wash away my rain"
-Carl Thomas
Today was one of the first days that I didn't mind the rain outside. Usually I hate the rain. Usually it's very gloomy, and it makes me feel grumpy. Not today... Today I am fine with the rain. I'm ok with the rain because I have a sunshine in my soul...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
You bring the sunshine back again
So go ahead and make it rain
Your tender touches wash away my rain"
-Carl Thomas
Today was one of the first days that I didn't mind the rain outside. Usually I hate the rain. Usually it's very gloomy, and it makes me feel grumpy. Not today... Today I am fine with the rain. I'm ok with the rain because I have a sunshine in my soul...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
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