I can see the light of day
I've got faith and intuition
telling me that I will be ok..."
-India Arie
2011... Wow it's a brand new year and about six months from the last time I checked in with you. Detox was rough, but I actually was successful (not at first) in completing it and I feel great. I am in a much better place. A place where bitterness although not completely gone is not a major focus. A place where I'm no longer mad or angry at the penis-ed species. A place where I am each day being more and more introspective. A place where I'm finally content in my singleness....
Rehab caused me to ask a lot of questions and as a result I began this journey to contentment. I began to ask myself why? Why was all of this so important to me? Why was I soo wrapped up in this idea of a man ushering me into my "happily ever after"? And when I asked myself these questions I was no longer satisfied with the answers I had been telling myself for years. No more excuses having to do with socialization, or family traditions, or daddy or even disney movies. I'm a big girl now. I'm no longer ignorant of these things so I can't use them as excuses or justifications. The truth of the matter was I needed to put my knowledge and my learnings and growth where my mouth was. It was no longer enough for me to talk about how I had grown to know myself and love myself, I have to do it. I have to quit moping around waiting for some figment of my imagination to come and bring me happiness when I am entirely capable of doing that myself.
So, I did.
I realized that my problem was not wanting to be in a relationship, it was the fact that I was putting off things in my life until that happened. I associated too many of the possibilities in my life with someone other than myself and that is never ok. I was turning into what I had grown to hate and I realized that I had to make a change.
So I put away fear and picked love back up, but this love was a different kind of love. A friend of mine told me that one of the most powerful prayers you can pray is to simply say to God, I accept. In doing this you are completely trusting what God has for you and giving up control in order to receive the greatness in store for you. Each day this is my prayer and I have been blessed beyond measure. A wonderful son, my dream job, a wonderful apartment, great family, rockstar friends and the list could be a thousand pages long.
So beginning this calendar year and in a couple days a new life year, I am wrapped in love and gratefulness. Giving up control and trusting that I am receiving everything that God has for me. I definitely think this is the right direction. :)
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
