Sunday, November 30, 2008

In My Life

"There are places I'll remember all my life though some have changed; some forever not for better some have gone and some remain. All these places have their moments, with lovers and friends I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living, in my life I've loved them all..." - The Beatles "In My Life"

My 5 year high school reunion was yesterday. 5 years. I can't even believe it. In preparation for this event I began reminiscing about the good ole days we spent at Walnut. The days that, for better or for worse, helped shape me into the person I am today.

The night of the event, as I began to get myself together I remember how self concious I was and how much I wanted to look as nice as I possibly could for whatever reason. As I put on my clothes and did my hair I looked at myself in the mirror and I wondered how the people that I shared class, dances and memories with would view me that night. I wondered if they would notice the extra pounds I've put on, or the curly fro that I am now sporting; or maybe they would look at me and remember.

The class of 2003 will always hold a special place in my heart. Now in no way do I want to make it seem like my highschool experience was a fairytale or that our class resembled the 90's highschool sitcoms; but we had fun. As you might expect there were the cliques, the scandals, the in-crowds, the jealousy, the moments of unification as a class, and the moments of complete anarchy; but we had fun.

Even though I can understand that everyone's experience was not the same, I can say that I appreciated my time in those halls. For that reason when I walked in and saw those faces all I could see were memories. I saw the smiling face that used to make my day better everytime I walked into history class. I talked with the friends I used to blow off first bell with, and shared stories with the people I used to share lunch with. Of course I remember the bad times but I couldn't bring myself to dwell on that. Yes, there are faces I saw that brought back some not-so-great memories, and there were even some faces that I wished were there but knew it was probably better that they weren't. But the good feelings and memories wouldn't let my heart dwell on the bad. From the looks of things; I wasn't the only one. As each person walked in they were received into the group and as I looked around we were together like no time had passed. The hugs, the smiles, the familiarity. At this event I realized that for better or worse these are the people that I will always share this bond with and I value them.

5 years have passed and we are different people now. There are things that have changed but the love is still there. We don't keep in touch like we should, or could; we cling to the people that we feel closest to, we stick to politeness for the people that have rubbed us the wrong way. But through it all most people showed up which proves to me that the circle is unbroken.

Class of 2003, thank you for the years we shared and the times we had. Thank you for helping shape me, and for giving me a wonderful experience to look back on... Thanks most of all for the memories... I look forward to the new ones we'll create even if they'll only happen every 5 years...

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Thursday, November 27, 2008


"Thankful for relaxation, complication, hibernation and irritation...Succlusion, confusion, all my impurities and insecurities...Cause I know it`s God just perfecting me...That`s why I today I take my life as it comes" - India Arie "Gratitude"

What are you thankful for? Every year I sit and make sure I have something good to say because in my family we're pretty traditional. We stand in a circle in my grandma's living room and give thanks to the Almighty One who has kept us thus far. And after the very fervent prayer to bless the food, the house, and the family we are each charged with expressing our own personal gratitude to the Most High.

You're probably thinking, wow that probably takes a long time; yeah it does, but this year I'm taking it serious. See I'm grown now and I sit back and realize that I have sooo much to be thankful for.

This year I have truly been baptized by fire. I've gone through some things that I thought would surely cause my demise; but I'm still here. I have laughed and cried, moaned and groaned, loved and lost; but I'm still here. There were people in my life that wished the worst for me and yet I am still here doing my best to be the best me. I AM STILL HERE! Survival is big for me. I recognize that there are people who have gone through these same situations that may not have survived and I am grateful that LOVE wouldn't let me disappear.

As I look back over the years and I look to my upcoming birthday, I also am grateful for the fact that tho I may never reach perfection; I am a better woman today than I was even 5 months ago. See I'm thankful that I'm learning from my mistakes and growing from my adversities. This means not only am I surviving, I am thriving. This means that each year, each month, week, day, hour, minute, second, each moment in time... I am becoming a better me. A me that will be equipped to triumph because I've known what it is to fail. A me that knows if I fall I can, I will, I must get back up again.

So I'm grateful today. I'm grateful to the GOD that is the love that wouldn't let me fall. I'm grateful to this love that is revealed to me through the sunlight and rain, the flowers and the trees, the smiles on my loved ones faces, and the goodnight kisses I get from my baby boy. I'm grateful that this love has choosen me for a purpose and is equipping me for the road ahead.

I believe in this love, and I am so thankful for it today... The book is right; Love never fails... and for that; This is my gratitude...

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


"I'm your girl, you're my girl, we're your girls; don't you know that we love you?" - Destiny's Child "Girl"

As I sit here and reminisce on this Thanksgiving Eve I am clear of one of the things that I am most thankful for: My friends or "Girls"... The close knit group of young women that I consider my friends. Friend; I don't take that word lightly in the least bit. When I call someone my friend that is my way of inviting them into my village. The loving, caring, intimate village that I am creating as a safe haven for not only myself but my child as well. My friends are the people that I feel that I can be completely transparent, honest, open, and authentic with; ones that I can share my world and my views and my love.

2008 has been a rough year for friendship in my village. There were a few friends that for whatever reason are no longer apart of this village. When I think about them I grieve. I grieve for the memories, the laughter, the ups and the downs. I grieve because according to Meyers-Briggs I'm a "feeler" and that's how we process our information. Most of all I grieve because these people are not bad people and the times that we shared were good times. I think about the decisions and behaviors that led us to this moment in time; and I wonder what could or would have made it better if anything? I wonder how these people feel about me now; and I wonder if they are able to remember the good times or if hurt and resent has wiped those memories away?
I hope not. I hope that even though there is no longer a shared bond between us, there is still the remembrance of those belly laughs, and late night phone conversations that we shared. That is the thing that will help us both become better friends in the future.

As for the women (and men) currently in my village: As I said before I am truly thankful for each and everyone of them. This year more than ever these individuals have been not only a source of inspiration, but also a source of moral, emotional, and mental support. This year has been hard. I have been through alot and I have had people in my corner, that I can say with the utmost conviction, truly loved me and wanted the best for me. As I have grown as a person we have also grown as friends and each time we're together whether it be at work everyday or once in a while during the holidays it's like no time has passed. I trust them with my life and even more important I trust them with my love...

In friendship I always want those close to me to know how important they are to me. I want them to understand just how much I depend on their love. So on this Thanksgiving Eve this is dedicated to my "girls"; you wonderful women that know how to make me smile when I'm crying and laugh when no one else is laughing. To you who are the "wind beneath my wings", and "my strength when I'm weak"; I love and appreciate you. And always remember... I'm your girl!

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Monday, November 24, 2008

No More Rain

"Not afraid because the seasons have changed I'm gonna count my blessings and just follow the sun..." - Angie Stone "No More Rain"

Thanksgiving season has so many meanings and memories attached to it for me... Its a time for family and reflection, it is also a time when 2 years ago (to loosely quote Beyonce) he liked it so he put a ring on it... LOL I can remember how excited and actually validated I felt simply because my alcoholic boyfriend offered me the title of bride to be... As I refelct on the person I was then I see how very twisted my thought processes were. In no way am I saying being excited about engagement is twisted but for me it was... He was a guy that often verbally abused me and then emotionally was not a whole person himself... We were a trainwreck that rarely had a moments of bliss but most of those were merely moments of ecstacy... But he did it and then that was all I needed... I needed to feel that validation... needed to know somebody, anybody could think in their mind that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me...

After the engagement was called off, after the relationship ended began again and yes ended again. I was scared; scared to really be alone and let go of the security I had come to depend upon.. But in this security I realized I had only found bondage. I was a slave to the insecurities
that forced me to need someone or something that wasnt me... I didn't need that... I was forced to come face to face with who I really was and why being alone was so scary... Why I was counting on someone to keep me from being, knowing, loving, understanding and accepting the real me...

Well I'm not afraid anymore! I have used that fear as motivation and here I am 2 years later... 2 years wholer... 2 years removed from being a slave to the status quo...

No it hasn't been easy and there are times when I contemplate going back... There are those times when I wish I would have let him "put a ring on it"... But I won't let me return to the me I used to be... And that's love... Loving me for me...

So today thinking and reflecting led me to Angie... Yeah I'm counting my blessings and following the sun!

Until the next song plays...