Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Private Party

"Me, my angels, and my guitar
singing baby look how far we've come...
Having a private party learning how to love me
celebrating the woman I've become..."
-India Arie

Wow... I can't believe that in a mere 3 days I will officially enter into my 27th year of life... I am both humbled and amazed by this. As always the time before my birthday is always the time where I am most reflective and introspective. I like to look at where I've been, where I'm going and what my learning is really looking like.

As you well know, this past year has been a hard year for love. Life has been pretty good, I've made some strides in my career and built some beautiful friendships that I am sure will last a lifetime. I've grown a lot, found out a lot about who I am and how I am in the world and I'm still in the process of perfecting my mommy-hood. But the outlier has been that I cannot seem to get this love thing together. I have been searching for the reason why loneliness has been camping out at my house. I've gotten pissed off at love and made up, felt betrayed, used, misunderstood, abandoned, invalidated and just plain done. As I've re-read a lot of my previous posts I grieve for these situations and for the part of me that slowly dies each time something crazy happens in my love life. But today... today I read those same posts and felt proud. Proud of the woman I was becoming. Proud that I was actually taking the time to process, to be vulnerable, to speak my truth, to not feel shame, to not be afraid to feel and try again. See I realize now that because I have an eager heart, I will always be on this path to love of all kinds. In that though I am learning that I don't have to allow all of the bad things to determine who I am or what I am. And I don't ever have to feel ashamed to do what I need to do for me to be ok. Whether that's crying, yelling, reflecting, taking some time for myself, or immersing myself in friendships. I now am clear of what I need and when I need it. I have let go... I'm having a private party!

Until the next song plays...