Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Purify Me

"It's like you're baptizing me with your love...
...Like a glimmer of life
Like a vision of light
And he's so perfect I couldn't picture him if I tried"
-India Arie

Today is such a special day. Today is the anniversary of my mommyhood. This day 4 years ago I was baptized. Baptized by the love only a mother could feel for their child. Baptized into the greatest responsibility of my life. Baptized into a new and totally different See before I had my son, I was at a bad point in my life. I was kind of aimlessly living and being thrown to and from by circumstance. Sure I had goals and dreams and visions of what I wanted but I didn't either know how or care enough to do what it took to accomplish them. I was also in a bit of an unhealthy relationship to say the least. Basically life was living me, not the other way around. Once I found out I was pregnant, all that changed... quickly. I had to get my shit together. I could no longer play with life, I was now going to be in charge of someone else and all of my decisions were gonna affect them DIRECTLY. Sure this may sound like the beginning (or ending) of a couple lifetime movies but I'm telling you for a lot of mothers... this feeling of urgency regarding responsibility is all too real.

Once he was born, and I was no longer under the influence of the general anesthesia, I held him and I just could not believe the reality. I was looking into the eyes of a person that I created. Honestly giving birth and the aftermath is a truly spritual experience. His presence was my very own confirmation that not only does a greater being exist, but they are truly merciful, wonderful, and most of all faithful.

And 4 years later... I feel the exact same way. Sure I haven't made all the right decisions, nor have I perfected motherhood. But we're here, and we're taken care of. I say this not in boast but as a testimony of what I know to be real.

My baptism 4 years ago changed my life. It changed the very essence of my life, and I haven't been the same since. Everyday now, I strive to be a better me so that I can be a better mother for him. Now that he's at the point of having his own personality I can just feel LOVE in each word, action, goodnight kiss he gives. I was purified by HIS love... Thank you GOD!

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


"I don't know what it is that you've done to me...
but it's caused me to act in such a crazy way.
Whatever it is that you do when you do what you're doing..."

So have you ever been in the situation where you don't know why you feel the way that you feel about someone? I mean you want to feel one way but everything in your mind soul and body feels differently? Ugh if you have never been in this predicament let me tell you, it is not a fun situation. That thin line between love and hate is getting thinner and thinner every moment. There is someone. Someone that I hate. Someone that irks the hell out of me and makes me want to rip their eyelashes off one by one yet... Yet this person has done something to me to make me not able to control this other feeling. This feeling of nervousness whenever they are around or try to engage me in conversation. This feeling that I can't stop smiling when I look at them. This bullshit of a crush that is beginning to develop... again. O yes we have gone through this foolishness before. I have gone down that path and came right back running and screaming so I ask myself... Why the hell would you even dare to contemplate making that same mistake again? I am truly and honestly pissed off at myself and my feelings. Here I am trying to grow and evolve and learn, and my dumb feelings are trying to revert back to their old ways.

I refuse! I like this place of being content in hating this person. I mean I deserve this feeling. I am comfortable in it and I know how to deal with it. Well I admit hate is a strong word but that's why i chose it. I strongly hate the way that this person made me feel. I hate their dumb words and stupid presence. Ok I am being childish and immature but there is this part of me that wants to be done with you when you make me sad. And it has usually worked for me but this person, well they must have discovered the secret. So I'm mad and I feel a bit betrayed by my feelings. I want this to stop and I will every day force myself not to think of them, to stop smiling when I think about them or talk to them, and most of all stop thinking about them period!

Help... the soundtrack is picking songs and I don't even have control of them anymore!

Until the next song plays...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Gotta Find Peace of Mind

"You're my peace of mind, that old me is left behind
You're my peace of mind, you're my peace of mind...
What a joy it is to be alive
To get another chance, yeah
Everyday's another chance
To get it right this time
Everyday's another chance
Oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God
Oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God"
-Lauryn Hill

Wow... Life just keeps throwing me curve balls. I mean just when I think I have it right, just when I think I have it wrong, just when I think I'm where I should, could, would be... I have of course been on this quest for so many things, love being one of the most elusive... In this quest for love and not just in the romantic form, I have come to such new revelations. I mean I am starting to become so interested in an aspect of love that I have never even took the time to question before. This aspect of love has all of the sudden perplexed me in it's manifestations. The love I'm referring to is friendship. The phileo love if you will. This love that in the past I just thought was shared between homies. Not to be taken lightly of course but still something that comes and is great but certainly could not compete with eros... Interestingly enough I was saddly mistaken.

This past couple of months has been hard on the friendship tip for me to say the least, yet I believe that like any good rose bush the pruning produces the beauty. So anyway I have truly gotten to the point of not even wanting to deal with some of the people in my life that I called "friend" because of the foolishness that they have been participating in. Everything from blatent unmerited accusations, to apathy, to fickleness, to downrght disrespect. I just have such a low threshold for stuff like that so in turn I kindly entered into my turtle shell content to be by my lonesome til I had a reason not to be. Well life said not so! I was quickly bombarded by a resonance of wonderful reminders of what real friendship is and should be. I mean phone calls, belly laughs, general assurances that despite the foolishness that I had endured, there were still those that loved me... that phileo'd me... and that felt so good. I adore my friends, I mean I truly adore these people in my life. And even being able to expand my close circle to include my brothers. Brothers that have my best interests at heart, that aren't ruled by ulterior motives but truely choose to invest in me and my little one. I guess in a word I'm a bit speechless...

In all of this, one thing that I was also able to gain back was my peace of mind. I had been so caight up in withdrawing and getting away, that I forgot to recognize that I have to create a space to maintain my own peace. Peace with myself, peace with those around me, peace in general. I have to remind myself that no one gets the power to rob me of my peace of mind, foolishness or not. This period of my life has been so overwhelming... It seems like each day I grow and find out something more and new and just something else... I just stand in awe.

Until the next song plays...