Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Let It Flow

"First thing Monday morning, I'm gonna pack my tears away..."
-Toni Braxton

I'm hurt. I'm utterly devastated. And the thing about it is, I'm not even afraid to say so. Since it happened last night, I have felt on the brink of tears. All day I have been listening to sad love songs. Secrets has been found, dusted off, and on repeat. Here I am yet again in the same damn situation. I'm so sick and fuckin tired of being sick and tired. This hopeless romantic shit is for the birds. I'm angry at love and life and everyone and everything. I deserve better than this. I'm entitled to at least a fair chance at this thing. But no. Not for me. All I get is disappointment and the feeling that love is playing games with me to get it's fuckin jollies. I'm sad, disappointed, mad, angry, distraught and even worse... at the point of giving up.

Love is not supposed to be this hard! Where is my reward for giving my all? My consolation for believing completely and utterly in love? Is this how love treats it's most dedicated servant? After everything we've been through, after I lost hope in everything else in life but still clung to my hope in you? All this only to be brutally rebuffed by the only thing I thought I could trust to be honest and true?

I'm finished. Well not yet. I will morn this for a bit. I will grieve not only the situation, but the conclusion it's brought me to. I will grieve for love. I will grieve for feelings in general. I will grieve because after disappointments like this time after time, a part of me has died on the inside. I never asked for much but I guess it still isn't for me. I just don't wanna try anymore. I bow out.

Monday morning... I'm breaking up with love.

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

If Only You Knew

"I must have rehearsed my lines a thousand times,
Until I had them memorized.
But when I get up the nerve to tell you,
the words that never seem to come out right..."
-Patti Labelle

Ok we're back to the crush. I have tried. I have tried and tried to be cool, and to just sit back and relax. It's not working people! I even took some time to be away from the whole situation and pretend that I was not so totally into this youong man, but that only worked for as long as I didn't have to look into his gorgeous eyes. The moment that I saw him, hugged him, talked on the phone til midnight to him, I again became putty. Ugh! I am supposed to be stronger than this.

So now, I am at the point of either A) choosing to continue on in this maddness until I either pop, or he decides to say something to me. Or... B) I can muster up the courage to have "the talk" with him. This talk would be comepletely mortifying for me. You know how in your mind the whole scenario goes great, and wonderful and it's all carebears and rainbows? but in reality it could possibly go horribly. My scenario is so perfect in my head that I don't think it's even possible for reality to measure up. I have no idea really what I should do. All I do know is that I have developed these feelings and I have absolutely no clue what to do with them. I mean do I want a boyfriend? Is he able to even give me that if I do want it? Even if he doesn't want the same things as me could we still maintain our awesome friendship? So so so many questions...

I just wish instead of actually talking to him, I could just offer this information through osmosis or something like that... I know that is silly but seriously! I know what I need to do. I know what I want, and I know that I have to be intentional in my own life. All this time I've been waiting on something and I haven't been honest with myself about why I even want that. I mean why does it mean so much to me that he make the first move? Or what does that have to do with anything? What does making the first move mean anyway? He is the one that initiated the friendship... I dunno I probably sound like a bumbling idiot right now.
This would be so much easier if I didn't have to tell him and he just knew...

Until the next song plays...

Summer Rain

"So go ahead and make it rain
You bring the sunshine back again
So go ahead and make it rain
Your tender touches wash away my rain"
-Carl Thomas

Today was one of the first days that I didn't mind the rain outside. Usually I hate the rain. Usually it's very gloomy, and it makes me feel grumpy. Not today... Today I am fine with the rain. I'm ok with the rain because I have a sunshine in my soul...

Until the next song plays...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Find Me A Man

"I know what I'm lookin for and I know
He's gotta be wonderful, cause I know
I am too beautiful, to settle for nothin less..."
-Toni Braxton

Single-dom, solitude, loneliness. I'm at the breaking point. I'm irritated that I have taken this time to be alone just to be banished to loneliness. The truth of the matter is, I want to be in a relationship. I want to be on the path to love and marriage. I recognize that men just don't fall out of the sky, but I just don't see myself as the type to go on a manhunt, litterally. At this point in my life I have come to a good place. I am in a place that allows me to be in the mindset to accept love when it comes my way. On the other hand I am not in a place that makes me feel the need to go on a search. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm unrealistic. Or maybe I'm just a girl, that doesn't like the thought of being alone, and wants the fairytale.

What's wrong with wanting my fairytale? Especially when I hear about other people getting theirs day in and day out. What's wrong with wanting to be swept off my feet? What's wrong with wanting to be found instead of always being on the search? What's wrong with me?

I love this Toni Braxton song (yes I know it's on the Secrets cd, but life has taken me there) because she's making a very clear declaration, she wants a man that posesses these qualities. She wants this man to be sensitive and sweet and respectful and wonderful. In that "search" she's also making it clear that she's not willing to compromise her standards in order to find "just any guy". Toni, I hear you. I hear you more than ever. And in my "search" I'm not willing to be the one on the expedition. I want him to "find" me. Hey, "I'm too beautiful to settle for nothin less" too... So I guess the question is, how do you really find someone to find you? I dunno but, I'm searching...

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I Choose

"I was always too concerned about what everybody would think
But I can't live for everybody I gotta live my life for me..."
-India Arie

I cried today at work. I broke down and wept. I haven't cried in a long time. Well not about work. I usually cry from being lonely, or because of my anger, but today I cried because I felt powerless. My job has become really stressful. I have been on this journery of professional development and I have been growing and learning and trying to be a better me. In all of this trying and learning and growing I have lost myself. I have forgotten what I am and what I have set out to do. I have become so caught up in trying to impress and appease someone that refuses to acknowledge my effort; that I have not taken the time to acknowledge me. I am probably what people call a type A personality. I am used to excelling in everything that I do with a minimal energy exertion. And all of my life I have done quite well. In school I have been the teacher's pet, in jobs I have been the employee on the fast track, in the world I have been the center of attention. But this job, this leadership development, entry level position in a non-profit; well I just haven't been the one to watch. The funny part about it though is that I have worked harder at this than I have worked in a long time. I have put so much effort and perserverance in trying to be recognized by those around me that I have given up my power. I have been silenced, lost motivation, and essentially tried to fit into someone else's idea of what I should be. What the hell is wrong with me?

This is not me. This is not who I am. I choose. I have choosen all my life and that doesn't change just because of entry level non-profit america. The very fact that I have put 200% into my work when usually I only have to use 75, the very fact that I have grown as a person, as an employee, as Jasmine is enough to prove to anybody that I have accomplished much. So today in my tears I have made up my mind. I can't ever allow someone to make me give my power ever again. I am so wonderful and beautiful and vibrant because of my voice, and my power, and my spirit and no everyone may not be able to enjoy and appreciate it but I MUST! And I do, and I will.

I choose to be me and love it... Even if no one else will.

Until the next song plays...

Friday, March 13, 2009

Get It Together

"One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your friends"
-India Arie

So the past couple of weeks have been pretty hectic. Work, life, motherhood, everything has been just a little bit much so I have been STRESSED! In my times of uberstress there is usually one thing or group of people that I turn to; my friends. My girls are usually the ones that hold me down, make me laugh, and help me to relieve stress. Not this week. This week, one day in particular, I was on the edge. I was at the breaking point and one of my friends... Man they took me there. See this friend of mine I notice has not fully grown out of the "selfish" phase that we all go through in our lives. Well at least not when it comes to me. Sometimes I feel that they see me as their "fix-it" person. Anyway, on this particular day I just needed my friend to not put any pressure on me, not ask me for anything, and say something funny. That's not what happened. In fact, this person actually caused me to be more stressed than before, so I got angry. I got short tempered, I got grumpy, I got moody. Honestly, I got my feelings hurt. Especially since I feel as though I'm always there for them when they need it. All I wanted was a little reciprocity.

Everytime this happens, which is beginning to be more often than not, I start reevaluating my friendships. I start looking at the reasons I'm friends with my friends and I start to look for evidence of exchange.

Friendship means a lot to me. Most of my friends have been my friends for quite some time and even those that haven't I feel that we have the kind of connection that will last for years. I try very hard to be a good friend but sometimes in my attempt to be the "best" friend, I'm thinking maybe I set myself up for situations like this. I need to stop. I need to start being realistic about what friendship is and what it is not. It is not necessary for me to be everything to all of my friends. Especially to the point where it's my every-thing to their some-thing, or no-thing. I have to create my friendship boundaries and not offer more of myself than I can give. I think this will also help manage my expectations for their behavior and reciprocation. Basically I want to own my 20%.

So the next time my friend wants me to move the mountains for them, I need to pause look at the situation and first think; are there any mountains in my way?

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


"Sometime the rain it makes me sad and it's alright
Some things in the world make me mad and it's alright
In the morning when I see the sun I know I'm not the only one
It's alright..."

I live in the world of black and white. I am trying to work on that. I am trying to understand the life of living in the gray. Trying to come out of the idea of extremes in life, I mean for once I want to be able to just be alright with some things. The funny part is that it's not anything in particular that I'm currently speaking of, I just kinda feel like my life currently is forcing me into this world of "grey". And to be quite honest I am freaking out! On the other hand I am starting to get used to it. I am starting to feel content in me and life even though things aren't perfect or the way I may want them to be.

Yesterday I had such a good day. Nothing extreme, I mean I didn't win the lottery, I didn't find the man of my dreams, I didn't get the perfect job, it was just a good day. I loved it! I loved feeling good just because the sun was out and I was in the land of the living. I loved feeling confident that there were people that loved me, and I especially loved that I didn't need anything or anybody to do anything special. I just felt good and everything was alright!

Wow... I'm growing. Growing into the woman I want to be, the person I need to be, the life I hope to live. I can finally see and experience what it looks like to be alright. To be ok and good in whatever situation. Not in a unrealistic, overly optimistic way that means you never have bad days or rain. Not like that at all, but this... this feeling is more along the lines of real contenment. Contentment in knowing, loving, being who you are and feeling confident in that.

Everything is everything and it's alright!

Until the next sing plays...