Sunday, June 27, 2010

Good Mourning

"Good mourning independence or is it loneliness? I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets I pray for God's will to be done The very next day you were gone"
-India Arie

Day 20

Speaking of musical comfort the soundtrack brings me to India who is the ultimate musical soulmate...
At this point in my soundtrack I just feel sad... I'm sad that something I want so bad is unattainable. I'm sad that my heart just simply will not submit to this detox and is giving me a hell of a time in my attempt to give up on love... I just want my heart to get with the program. I mean time after time after freakin time life is proving the reality that love is not for me so I need to just stop right?!

I prayed for this... I prayed for my desire to be in a relationship to be taken away since I know that is never gonna happen... Yes it's sad but I'm tired of being sad... I'm tired of feeling down and feeling defeated. I know this is what I wanted when I embarked on this journey but I'm beginning to wonder if I bit off more than I could chew...

Regardless sadness seems to be an emotion I just can't quite get away from nowadays... Things keep happening that cause me to fall off the wagon all over again... They say joy comes in the morning... I just hope it comes after this mourning...

Until the next song plays...

Friday, June 25, 2010

Exhale (Shoop Shoop)

"Hearts are often broken
When there are words unspoken
In your soul there's answers to your prayers
If you're searching for a place you know
A familiar face, somewhere to go
You should look inside yourself
You're halfway there"
-Whitney Houston

Day 18...

Love Detox is definitely kicking my butt... Yes I can say I'm doing much better than last time but I'm still at this crossroads in my life where I'm searching fro the answers. The soundtrack has brought me to an artist that serves as the equivalent to comfort food in music form. No matter what is going on I feel like Whitney has a song or even a note that can make it feel better or at least allow me to express that which is so hard to express....

This song came out in a time where love and life were very new concepts to me. I mean I had this cd and I knew all the words to all of the songs and I even had to sneak to see the movie but being of such a young age I didn't really understand what this all was about. This movie was about 4 women that were looking for, needing, desperate for something more. Love had done them all dirty and they were coming to terms with how to deal with it.

I feel like as a young girl I wanted so much to identify most with Bernie, Angela Basette's character that famously burned all of her ex-husband's clothes in his car... I guess I saw her as taking an active step in gaining her closure. But now that I think about it I think Whitney's character is the one that at this time I most identify with.
She was the one that was always going from one bad relationship to the other and then goes from bad to worse when she allows herself to be swept off her feet by a married man that promises her one day he'll leave his family for her.

Now don't get me wrong I've never been with a married man but I know what it feels like to compromise your self, your values, your hopes and dreams to be with some man and his promises. And when you look back on it after it's over for whatever reason, either you coming to your senses or they seem to leave to go on promising someone else, you just are left feeling used up. The longer I'm on this detox the more I realize the bullshit love has put me through. And I set out on this detox first out of bitterness... At love, at men, at relationships, at broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. But the more I reach inside and find the pure love for me that I have been overlooking I realize that I have to let it go...

I have to let go of the bitterness of those past relationships. I have to forgive my ex-fiancee for getting that hoodrat pregnant, and forgive my used-to-be friend that led me on and lied in every interaction we had together. I have to forgive love, and men and most of all myself.

I have to EXHALE.

Shit has been hard, and my love life has sucked but I will never be able to get to that place in my life where real love is waiting for me if I continue to carry around this grudge. And as mad as I am at love I have to fogive it... I have to understand the part I played and I have to let the past go in order to embark on my future. So here I am... transparent for all the world wide web to see...

I am letting it go and I am exhaling and DAMN IT it feels GREAT!

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Another Again

"So we did it again
Knowing we should quit it, but we simply won't admit it again
Oh it feels good, it's so good, but I won't do it again
It's so dramatic again
After we go at it, we get mad then we go at it again
Oh I love it, then I hate it, she's my favorite again
I'm wasting time
I can't help it she's so fine
Oh I like her style
And I love the way she talks and I smile
As much as we may try
Can't quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime, I guess we say bye-bye"
-John Legend

Day 14

I just don't get it... I am trying my hardest to finalize this long goodbye but love seems to have more of a hold on me than I thought. It's crazy. I have been on this detox for about 2 weeks and although I've never been addicted to an illegal substance I am understanding now why people crawl into corners and rock when going through rehab. See this love detox was so easy at first I mean hey I just start telling my friends that I'm not getting married, I stop thinking about guys, I just remove myself from this damn vicious cycle of crush-hurt-crush again-hurt again. My thoughts initially were that it would of course be hard to de-boycrazy and de-romaticize myself but in the end I'd be fine...

Yeah looks like again I was wrong. I am now realizing how much love and all that it means and encompasses is like a part of my DNA... I am still, even tho I hate jerk-boy (as I so lovingly refer to him) I still can't help this (much smaller now) part of me that wants to find our happily ever after. Yet this same part of me is also the part that cries each time he flaunts yet another of his flavors of the week in my face...

I can't keep doing this so I remind myself over and over of how much I have to do this. There is absolutely no turning back and as much as love is trying to trap me and not let me escape it's grasp I am fighting my way out of this. I am literally fighting myself each day to transform my ways of thinking.... Getting those nouns out of my life and filling up the space with me...

The motivating factor is that I know for a fact I cannot go through another again...

Until the next song plays...

Friday, June 18, 2010

Long Goodbye

"you loved me crazy
I lost my mind
you're everything I never wanted
and all the things I didn't need
this ain't who I wanna be
you don't have to stay forever
I'll take passion over pride
full moon, high tide
let's make it a long goodbye"
- India Arie

10 days...

I'm not really sure how to feel world. I mean in some ways I'm very proud of myself and I think that I'm making great strides in overcoming fear and looking life and love in the face and coming out better than I was before. But there has been as expected these overwhelming feelings of sadness. And it's not just sadness that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life but sadness that this was the conclusion that love brought me to. I mean yeah I get it nothing in this world is promised and I have had these conversations about my disappointment with love ad nauseum. But I have gotten to the point where I just feel like I've wasted so much time playing games with love, investing in it and to get to this point of knowing I will never love again has me all messed up.

I know I know I haven't forgotten epiphany #1 or 2 but I guess this is the part of rehab that has people climbing walls. You know that whatever poison you continue to push through your veins has only lead to hurt, disappointment, failure, anger, and hurt yet when someone takes it away or you chose to go away you want it so bad because for however long you've been it's addict you've been addicted to the minimal high it gives and at the same time you hate the very essence of it because of how low it brings you...

Damn I didn't realize it was this bad... I knew better...

And the funny part about it is that soooo many guys have been showing their interest toward me since I've begun detox and it kind of pisses me off. I guess love really begins to miss the water when the well runs dry... On top of all of this I just don't know how to feel about certain things before I mean I never said I woudl never be attracted to anyone ever again and how exactly does this attraction look? And how do I navigate dating? Will I never date again or just never get married? I dunno I have A LOT of self-inventory to do.

These questions are good tho because I'm really getting to the heart of this fear and this new chapter in my life. Pain is good some say it's fear leaving the body... I guess for me it's my way of saying goodbye...

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Monday, June 14, 2010

Love of My Life

"Everything I did before you, wasn't worth my while
It should've been you all the time"
- Brian McKnight

Day 6 my friends and at almost a week in I am starting to get into this realm of constant questioning...

See it's a lot harder to reject something that has been the major focus of my life for basically all of my life. I can't really think of a time when I wasn't anticipating my wedding, planning for the future with my husband, or just all caught up in the greatness that I thought love was. This being said I am now finding myself with a lot of displaced feelings. Instead of having some foolish boy to crush on and devote time on my life to the what-ifs with him, I find myself a little dumbfounded with what to do with all of this extra attention.

(Insert epiphany #2...)

I am the love of my life! and the thing about it is I should have always been. I should have realized that since love was not living up to it's hype, and I was the one always doing the loving, I had no place to look for reciprocity except inward.

Woooow... I mean all this time I've been such a fool. I mean I've known all this time that I am great at being a love interest. I do all the things that make that special someone feel... well special. I mean cards for no reason at all, special dinners, presents, quality time, affirmations, I mean the WHOLE NINE YARDS. I am basically fluent in every love language and I've been wasting this gift on fools that just want to use me up. Well I'm done with that crap!

For the duration of this detox and probably for the rest of my life, I am now going to be the love of my life. I'm going to do all of those things that I would have, did, and wanted to do for some foolish male, for me. This should definitely fill up that void that I had and give me something to do with all of that displaced emotion. Thank God for this epiphany because otherwise I may have just converted all of that to anger which would not have been good for anyone...

So here's to the new me loving all of me. Here's to recognizing that every boy that I wasted time on before this a ha moment was a waste of my time and I should have been my focus from the very beginning...

At least it only took 25 years to find my soulmate...

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Ain't That Funny

" It’s been awhile since you came around
Now ya wanna see what’s goin’ down
Tryin’ to tell me why ya want my time
Tryin’ to tell me how I’m on your mind
See it never had to be this way
You should of never played the games you played
Now I’m seein’ that you’re kinda lame
Knowin how the situation change..."

Day 4 guys... I gotta be honest about this, I didn't really think I'd get past day 2 so I'm really feeling good about myself ::pats self on back::

I'm entering my first weekend without love and I can't help but chuckle a little when I think about how foolish love is or has been with me... My soundtrack las led me to J-Lo and although I've never considered myself her number one fan I do think that the lyrics describe perfectly what a phone convo between love and myself at this point if that were possible...
In looking over the past and coming to epiphany #1 I think I've gotten past the anger stage and now I'm like ok you got me good for a long time but now who looks foolish?
Every cause needs an advocate right? And each deity a loyal servant right? Well love just lost both... It's to the point where some people have said that my newfound rehab from love has led them to question love as well... This wasn't my intention but after hearing that I can't help but think... It is kind of funny and they say laughter is the best medicine :)

We'll just say this is my form of methodone for my time in rehab...

I'll take a couple of converts for the dark side and I'll consider it reparations for all I've gone through...

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Friday, June 11, 2010


"Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow"

OK so day 3 is upon us and I'm starting to understand why detox/rehab is such a hard thing to do. I mean I came into this knowing that I was basically going against everything I have believed in for the past 25 years in search of a new way of living, a new way of doing things. So here I am 3 days in and I'm beginning to take a look at all that love meant to me in the past.

Over the past couple of days I have been re reading my past blogs and having some really great in depth conversations with those around me; that are for the most part supporting this journey and I've come to...

Epiphany #1: Love has left me more empty than it has brought me fulfillment.

(insert a ha moment)

All this time I have wasted advocating for love, believing in it, yearning for it and when I look over the interactions between love and I, I realize that the score seems to be Jazz 0, Love 1 billion. All the crushes, failed relationships, wishing and hoping and thinking and praying... Let's just say that the return on my investment has been disappointing to say the least. With that said I am even more empowered now to complete this detox and expel this black hole of time energy and emotion out of my life.

So for you newcomers...

Just to recap, I'm not saying that love in every form is bad. I quite enjoy and am becoming better at phileo love and I aspire to be able to give agape love but it's that damn eros that I am choosing to reject and detox out of my life. In this detox I am attempting to change the identity I once created and was fettered to as this person that was "in love with love". No longer do I identify with this thought, feeling, emotion that has shown itself to be so draining and quite frankly not worth my time.

So yes I've checked into rehab and I'm actually liking it... clarity of thought is a good thing

Until the next song plays...

Thursday, June 10, 2010


"If I was your girl
Oh the things I'd do to you
I'd make you call out my name
I'd ask who it belongs to
If I was your woman
The things I'd do to you
But I'm not
So I can't
Then I won't..."
-Janet Jackson

Day 2 of my love rehab is in full force and even though I'm only two days in I feel so free. I woke up this morning with the feeling that the weight of the world was not longer on my shoulders. I got out of bed and picked out an outfit just for me and went about my day as a single girl. I tmay sound silly but for a long time I was going through life waiting for my prince to come and feeling like I was in a constant state of preparation for his arrival. Well no more!

In this new found freedom I stumbled upon a quote that said, "We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for us" I loved this quote and thought it quite appropriate for this time in my life. For years I was married to the "if" and "when" and in that became entangled in chasing that dream. Now for the first time in my adult life I'm no longer tied to this far off fantasy of happily ever after... I no longer have to wonder about the if's any longer and I'm great with that.

I am using this time to not dwell on if or when but right now and how I need to make the most of my life as I'm living it and leave this love shit for the fools that still care...

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I'm Single

"And I'm single,
Yeah I'm single,
And I'm single,
Tonight I'm single
And I aint trippin on nothin,
I'm sipping on somethin..."
- Lil Wayne

Ok world I'm about to take this time to scream my truth from the top of my lungs... I'm done and as you may be able to tell from the song, I'm finally in a place where I am facing the reality of my single-dom.

The past 10 months, err 2 years basically have been riddled with hurt after hurt. And to quote an old movie, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

So I bow out. I am done with love; not in the hissy fit way that means I'm more sad than anything else but in the I am forcing myself to review this whole concept and reject it because if it's not working for me it must not be for me. Which as much as it sucks is something that I just have to come to grips with. So instead of getting pissed off at the asshole guy that played me to the left, and knowingly lead me on I'm gonna wish him the best and not blame him because he was just a pawn in this horrible joke called romantic love.

I get it I was never suppose to win at this game. I probably had no business even playing the damn game but I did and I'm choosing not to anymore...

SO I start today... I am (at least for the next 30 days) going to live like romantic love does not exist, like the possibilty of me ever walking down that aisle in a beautiful white gown is not even an option. Yeah I know what you're thinking, "How the hell are you, Jazz, the queen of love gonna pull this off?" I'm not sayin it's gonna be easy I'm just saying I'm gonna try. Desperate times call for desperate measures so I'm going through love detox.

This shit is for the birds and I'm not playin along anymore... We'll see how this goes...

I'm single...

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Out My Mind, Just In Time

"I'm a recovering undercover over-lover
recovering from a love I can't get over
recovering undercover over-lover..."
-Erykah Badu

I'm an over lover

No longer undercover I'm taking the first step in recovery

O why me? Why does that sad love song keep rackin my brain and why is it that when I listen to the rain each drop is a syllable of... your name?

I know I know it's a shame
I'm hopelessly falling and it's not like you're calling me...
I sit and dream about the us that could be while you seem to most of the time look right through me... It's typical

Typical me cuz that's what I do I fall in love with love which makes me fall in love with you... But
I seem to fall flat each time and in the back of my mind a hope still remains that one day I'll actually get to change my last name... to yours

But after all of this time and too many nights of crying I've decided I'm choosing me, turning off those dumb ass love songs, moving out of the fairytale and into... reality?
I thought I could avoid this exit but after that last text message you sent that broke my heart with the greeting "hey buddy"... I have no other recourse but to force myself to give it up and let go of these pipe dreams....

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Love and I

"I really wish we were made to be
happy without love in our life.
To know that I have total control
Over being happy, happy
But reality is I cannot live without love
But I will try tonight"

Ok my loves... This time last year I was so proud of myself. Valentine's Day came and went and I the seemingly last single girl survived without incident. Reading over that blog empowered me throughout the rest of that year and I thought man I really am getting the hang of this being alone thing. Um... fast forward a year later and I am almost too embarrassed to share what Valentine's Day looked like for that same girl. You would think it would be even better and easier to deal with but alas the answer is no!

Valentine's Day this year was a mess! To say the least. Like I said I am ashamed at the outcome of my Valentine's Day 2010 but I am still going to share it because this blog is about growth and love and life and learning. I want it to be real and truly reflective of my life journey and true to life stuff doesn't always work out the way you want it to...

So February 14, 2010 started off in a wonderful way. I got up rested and ready to journey to the house of the Lord. I had gone to dinner and shopping the previous day and the items that I purchased helped to make me feel beautiful which is something that always helps. Church was nice and the sermon was something I needed to hear about God hearing us and being able to use His power to help. Of course I needed that, so anyway I was content to spend my Valentine's Day with my immediate family and our close friends at dinner. It was one of our favorite restaurants and it doubled as a birthday celebration. Sounds all good right? Wrong! As dinner winded to an end talk of "what's next" started and of the three couples that attended the dinner (I was the only non coupled grown person. The other two diners were my son and my 11 year old sister.) two of the couples my parents included decided to make plans. Unbeknown to me I was designated as the night's babysitter because I, as it was so loudly and rudely announced over the entire table by my step-dad, "had no other plans for the night..."


There it was my friends... the salt in the wound that I had tried to bandage. Now of course I'm sure this announcement and designation as the night's babysitter was not a malicious act but wow did it hurt. I mean I was there already uncomfortable in my own skin because it was Valentine's Day and I was alone. Not only was I alone, I was with six other people that were coupled and two people that were not coupled due to age. And as much I had in my mind that I was ok because I was with my family and they loved me I still ended up alone that night. Maybe I should say that I ended up lonely that night. Lonely. Loneliness and I have definitely been getting to know each other a lot lately. It seems that since Love and I broke up, Loneliness had come and taken love's place. I never thought that I could really be this person that I've become. Of course I've had my ups and downs with love. Feelings of being betrayed by love and thinking that I just need to be done seem to have been a theme in my life as of late but I'm at the point now where I don't think that I even broke up with love. I think love broke up with me.

Sure everyone I've talked to about these feelings has given me this textbook "don't feel bad about yourself" advice which basically consists of either telling me that "it, as in love, will come eventually..." whenever the hell eventually is or I am instructed to "just try not to focus on it too much... it comes when you stop thinking about it..." I call BS on both of these poor excuses for encouragement or advice or whatever it is supposed to be. On top of the fact that I don't wanna hear this crap, I also want to know what exactly these tidbits are supposed to mean and make me feel? Yes I know being in a relationship is not the most pressing issue in the world. I get that. However, it is something that I desire and I don't apologize for wanting to be in love. Especially when it seems like everyone around me is falling ass-backwards into relationships without even a thought.

This issue of loneliness is a bit new for me. I mean sure I've been lonely before but not to this extent and not for this amount of time. Usually I can find something or someone to keep me out of the depths of loneliness but not this time. And it wouldn't bother me so much if I hadn't just reached the ephipany that, "I deserve the things that I want in life". For a long time I think I put up with feelings of loneliness because I felt like maybe for some reason I didn't deserve to be in a relationship for whatever reason... but lately, since I've realized how much I do deserve this and am worthy of it, I've just gotten pissed off at loneliness for this abusive relationship we've been in.

So then what the hell is the answer? What's next in this thing we call life? Realizing that I want and deserve love, yet being on the outs with it and feeling like love is engaged to an entity called "everyone else"... The truth is I DON'T KNOW... I don't know what comes next for me and that is the scary part. I don't know how long I will even try or can even continue to try. Even I get tired of dealing with love's BS games. So for the moment I'm stuck in this crap of a relationship with loneliness... We'll see if it can commit...

Until the next song plays...

Monday, February 8, 2010

So Much Things To Say

"Remember that
See when this rain falls, it don't, fall on one man's house top
They've got so much things to say right now
They've got so much, so much things to say
They've got, heh, so much things to say right now"

-Bob Marley

Yes my friends it has been a minute since I've come and shared with you all... Saying I've missed you would truly be an understatement! But to say I've been busy would be one too. Life has thrown some curve balls lately and I find myself needing to come here and open my heart and soul and pour out all those things I haven't been able to say. I've experienced the coming of a New Year and the dawning of a new decade. I've had a birthday and entered the year of 25 which I am very excited about!

So the soundtrack has brought me to a place of having "So much things to say right now..." In this past couple of months I have truly been on a growth spurt. As we all know I have been on this quest to love. Love not only myself in a more effective way but to love those around me in a more healthy way. This journey I know is a life-long one and one that has and will continue to require asking the hard questions to myself, and others as well as being transparent when all you wanna do is hide. Lately I have had to do some of that and it hasn't been pretty. See at this point I'm really trying to put all of the lessons I've been learning into action and begin to be that person. The person that learns from the past and doesn't foolishly repeat it.

So the most recent thing I've had to deal with is my almost fear of taking up for myself when it comes to certain people in my life. I'm in no way a timid person but there are few people that have this way of making me clam up when I know I should speak or cause me to compromise when I shouldn't. So lately the Jazz on the inside has been speaking up for herself, having those courageous conversations and not allowing anyone to steal her space. And I freakin love it!

I have also come to the realization that I deserve all that I want and desire! For too long I have justified the fear and anxiety that has caused me to either not go for the things that I want or has caused me to fool myself into thinking that I don't really want it. I've even gotten to the point of doubting myself and actually believing that others deserved the things that I wanted more than me because they were smarter, or prettier, or whatever. These lies I have been telling myself are so destructive to the me I am growing to be and you know what? They stop today!

I am the best Jazz that I can be right now and if there are things that I want I need to go after them with everything I have inside of me. I have to realize that I have the ability to accomplish any task that I set my mind to with ease and comfort. I also have to choose to see the best that is already inside of me because of who I am as a creation of the Master of the Universe. Does this mean that I have it all together? Of course not. Does this mean that growth stops? Absolutely not! This is where growth continues and becomes effective. We must learn to accept ourselves and that means not allowing ourselves to doubt that we are any less than what we are, and what we are, what I am at this very moment is beautiful. Is the caterpillar any less beautiful than the butterfly?

Ok friends well with all these new revelations life is certainly going to be more exciting :)

Until the next song plays...