Monday, January 26, 2009


"I'm staring at you while you sleep, irreplaceable beauty
put my face up in your neck and breathe
take you into my senses, wake up it's time to finish
round two, it's round two, matter of fact, it's closer to three"
-J. Holiday

Man this song... I mean everytime it comes on I am hypnotized by it. I saw him perform this song in concert and truly I felt like he was singing this only to me. I know I've said before how I need to stop listening to love songs... But I mean does this really count? I mean this is not really a love song. Its not really talking about being in love. The man singing this is not focusing on how he wants to marry this woman and build a life with her. He definitely seems like he likes this girl a whole lot but he is in the moment of his lust.

What I'm learning from this song and other songs like it, is that it's ok to just be in the moment. Not everything is true love, marriage, life-long, or permanent. Somtimes it is ok to just be in the moment. Even if that moment is lust. This is a huge realization for me. I am so caught up in defining everything. My world is very black and white. Love or hate. In or out. This or that. But as a friend of mine told me recently, "it's time to come into the gray". So I'm learning to live in the gray. And to be honest I like this gray stuff.

I enjoy having the freedom to let things be and live in the moment. I have been socialized, I believe because I'm a woman, to need things mostly relationships to be well defined. First comes love then comes marriage etc. etc. Nothing is wrong with that, but it is necessary to understand that this is not always the case and it doesn't have to be the case. This goes not only for relationships, it's applicable to so much more. I think we as a society have such a problem with just letting things be, we must have them fit into our ready-made boxes and the truth is life just doesn't work out that way all the time. People aren't only black or white, rich or poor, gay or straight, tall or short. Life is just life and people are just people. So just let stuff be... It actually makes life a little easier and we can all benefit from that.

So the next time I'm listening to J. holiday sing to me about how bad he wants to put me to bed, I won't have to think about the wedding that came before in order to be in the moment with him. I can fully exist in the space where it's just he and I and his breath on my neck and well allow it... Now of course in reality it's not J. Holiday and we're not going to bed but hey it could happen...

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Change Gon Come

"It's been a long long time coming
But I know a change gon come
O yes it will..."
-Sam Cooke

1/20/09... The day is finally here. The time has come and change has arrived. This date most famously is marked by the dawning of the new era in American government, the inauguration of the 44th President of the United States of America. The first black president. Wow, few thought that this day would ever happen let alone that they would live to see the day. But today for me is not only about what's going on at the Capitol. Today for me marks the ushering in of a new life 24 years ago. Yes my birthday, the day that I celebrate the beginning of my life.

It's funny that there is so much hoopla surrounding this day. I mean there have been bumper stickers, commercials, websites, etc. all counting down to what has always been my birthday. To me it's quite symbolic. Mostly because the awful things that have been my life since this date 2008 I have very much been looking forward to my 24th year. Looking forward to being able to wipe the slate of bad intentions and even worse decisions clean. Looking forward to the hope of 24 and finally looking away from the peril that was 23. America is doing the same thing. We the people have come together since November 4th in a way that I never knew was possible. Everyone got together on one accord because they yearned for two things. Two things that over the past 8 years seemed all but lost. Two things that were scared out of us by the exiting administration, and deemed impossible by the skeptics. Those two things are HOPE and CHANGE.

How beautiful it was to watch the millions of people on the mall braving the cold, crowds, and organized chaos coming together singing songs, fellowshiping with one another, eager to begin again. 2009 as I have said before seems like the new beginning not only in my life but in the world. So many things tried to choke out the human spirit in 2008 and yet we as humans all over the world did not quietly go into the night but banded together in HOPE for CHANGE.

I'm overjoyed by the emotions of the day and the parallels that are being revealed to me. Forever will this day be marked as the renaissance of not only the American people and their faith in their country but for me it will also mark the official rebirth of me. It has been a long time coming but finally I can see that it will come, is coming, and will be embraced.

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

"But deep in my heart
the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind
to find my own destiny"
-Lauryn Hill

Wow this new year has been so good for me. I have boldly set out to make this one of the best years of my life. That being said I am also about to embark on yet another Jasmine year. Yes the anniversary of my birth is just around the corner which means the beginning of my 24th year. I'm excited. Excited because this year is my year of intention. This year in my life I vow to live my life to the fullest and not in the cliche sense but in the sense of doing things, and making moves. Too many times in the past I have sat through 365 days of reactive life. Waiting for things to happen, looking for change, wishing for difference. Not this year.

For the first time in a long time I am so content in me. This is big for me. I am feeling comfortable in my own skin and loving the person I am and becoming. It's actually kind of a weird feeling. I mean after so much time of being insecure and not fully loving me I feel like at this very moment I am finally free. I notice even the small changes like the way I have come to appreciate my "me" time. I say all of this not to write an ongoing love letter to myself; which actually is not a bad thought; but to show how I decided one day that enough was enough. Once I did this and actively started working on loving me, here I am stronger and more whole. So I must apply this to the rest of my life. I believe I have. I am becoming more intentional about the relationships I have in my life. Intentional about the goals I am setting for myself, intentional about my parenting skills, and most of all I am trying to be intentional about the words that come out of my mouth.

I saw this quote today, "Watch your thoughts; they become your words. Watch your words; they become your actions. Watch your actions; they become your habits. Watch your habits; they become your character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
This really spoke to me. This quote is exactly why I know I must never tire on my quest to be intentional because controlling your thoughts and being completely intentional about everything in your life is controlling your destiny. Only you have the power to control your destiny. So in life my goal is to be present, to be courageous, to be confident, and most of all to be intentional.

Until the next song plays...

Friday, January 9, 2009

Wings of Forgivenness

"I took a swim in the sea of guilt and misery
To find myself in an island in the middle of nowhere
In my solitude I asked to know the highest truth
And what I was told Is to thine own self be true"
-India Arie

Forgiving others begins with forgivenness of self first. I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately, for many different reasons and I have been really trying to work through it all. I've been on a retreat for the past three days and I have had a wonderful chance to reflect on things that have been happening. Being out in the cold and with a group of people that I was not feeling close to was not something that I was looking forward to. I had made up in my mind that the relationships I had were enough and that there was nowhere left for me to go as far as community building.

Funny how lately I've been wrong a lot.

During this retreat something was different. People were feeling the same way I was feeling. I wasn't the only one tired of "playing community". I wasn't the only one that came into this experience searching for something and now almost six months later still feeling like somthing was missing.

That felt good. It felt good to hear that I was not alone in this and that my feelings were actually valid. On the flip side of that though I was amazed at the small number of people that had such apathy. In listening to them speak and hear their feelings vocalized I began to think about apathy. I began to ponder the idea of apathy and what it means.

We took a nature walk. During this walk we were silent and we were supposed to let nature speak to us. This was hard for me. Silence is hard for me because as an extrovert if I can't say something... then it isn't real to me. I was as silent as I could be. As I walked I started hearing in my spirit "Conscious apathy will never evoke beauty". Wow. This was so powerful to me. See here I was in this "community" constantly being the squeaky wheel, constantly being the one to call my group out, constantly asking for what I wanted. And I felt resentment from my group for this, I felt like people just wanted me to shut up. I felt like people wanted me to turn my being intentional into apathy. They wanted this I felt because my apathy would relieve their accountability.

Apathy is not in me. Being the emotional person that I am I feel somthing about EVERYTHING! It's me and it's ok. And I must be true to me. I must be true to me.

At the end of this retreat I felt different. I felt good. Good abut the people, good about the time, good about myself. I fought for what I wanted and it's coming. Slowly but surely we are building something. Whatever it is it's worth fighting for.

Until the next song plays...

Monday, January 5, 2009

But Beautiful

"Love is funny, or its sad
Or its quiet, or its mad
Its a good thing, or its bad
But beautiful...
Beautiful to take a chance
And if you fall, you fall
And Im thinking I wouldnt mind at all

Love is tearful, or its gay
Its a problem, or its play
Its a heartache either way
But beautiful...
And Im thinking, if you were mine Id never let you go
And that would be but beautiful I know"
-Nat King Cole

I want it so bad I can taste it.
So bad I want to hold it in my hand and never let it go.
I want a love for me, a love so free and clear and pure and precious and mine.
I want the physical, the mental, and emotional.
I want the you, the me, the we, the us.
I must have it.
I must have it to breathe, to live, to exist, to

My sould yearns for more.
More of love.
More of you though I don't even know who you are.
I know who you are not.
You are not boastful or selfish.
You're not loud and you don't envy me.
You just love.

And we.
We could be us.
And us could be beautiful.
Beautiful like a sunset, or a rainstorm.
We could live and love unselfishly, unapologetically, unknowingly imperfect.
Beautiful imperfection.
You and me we us love.

What I once was no longer am I.
And that's why I know you are there.
I am ready for love.
Ready for the us of love.
Ready for the lust of love.
And ready for the real unadulterated love of love.

Until the next song plays...

All I Could Do Was Cry

"I heard church bells ringing
I heard a choir singing
I saw my love walk down the aisle
On her finger he placed a ring..."
-Etta James

This post won't be a long one. I think the song is self explanatory. I've only loved three men in my life. One based on the physical, one because I couldn't love myself, and the other... well I'll just say that when I look back on it that love was the closest I've ever been to the real thing. Now that love has come and gone and others have done the same but I grieve because the real thing hasn't happened for me yet.

Day after day I am in some way reminded of what I once had and that I no longer have that. So now I sit here thinking about him, thinking about me, thinking about what once was and wondering if it will ever be again.

Then I look at my love life in the present and realize the non-existence is starting to get to me. I'm allowing myself to be caught up in stupid flirtatious games with men that I know are not it. I'm proud to say I recognize it for what it is and I don't put much stock in it but I can't help to wonder when? When will my solitude end? When will it happen for me? When will my prince come and when will the bells ring for me?

A melancholy post I know but... My ex is getting married this weekend... even though I may not necessarily want to be with him... Right now... All I can do is cry...

Until the next song plays...