But Not For Me

"I know that love's a game;
I'm puzzled, just the same,
was I the moth or flame?"
-Ella Fitzgerald

This song struck me. In my recent "done with love" state of mind I've really been taking some time to just think about all of it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that has given up on love? Doesn't that just sound like the definition of an oxymoron?
What I have come to realize is that I have such strong reactions to my love disappointments because deep down in my heart I know that it is possible. And it hurts. It hurts to realize that love exists, is beautiful, and great, and pure, and wonderful but not for me. It pains me to see others basking in the greatness that is a healthy relationship and here I sit just an outsider looking in.
What the heck is going on? I think I'm done with my anger and here I sit in utter amazement that something I believe so deeply in continues to masterfully elude me.

I say all of that to say, I really relate to this song... Every time I hear a love song, every time I go to a (non-foolish) wedding, every time something puts me in the "mood for love" I have to catch myself and remember... it's not for me

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Nobody's Supposed to Be Here

"This time I swear I'm through
But if only you knew
How many times I've said those words
Then fall again, when will I ever learn"
-Deborah Cox

I'm done.

I barely have the strength to type these words but I have to do it. I'm finally at the point where I'm not willing to try anymore. I'm not willing to put myself out there, showcase my fluency of all 5 love languages, flirt, none of it. I can't continue on this route with all of this unnecessary heart break, hurt, anger and resentment. I hate that it's come to this... again. I feel like I fall out with the idea of love constantly but I somehow always have the wherewithal to pick myself up, dust myself off and start again. Not this time. I'm tired. I'm emotionally and mentally tired of the game. The game of meet new person, get hopes up, get hopes crushed, repeat. I'm so disappointed, I'm so frustrated, I'm so over this. I would like to blame my former crush that had no idea that he was my crush, I'd like to blame my ex-best friend, I'd even like to blame my ex-fiance. I can't blame any of them. Those are the breaks you know. In the words of my son, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
It just hurts like hell. I sit here typing this crying, wishing that this was a different conclusion. I just don't understand why it can happen for everyone else and not for me. I want someone to explain it all to me.
I'm listening to this familiar song by Deborah Cox and it's funny because this song has more hope than I have. This song at least is speaking of a possibility that seems to show up when you thought there wasn't one but I don't even have that hope anymore. I just don't believe that it happens any more. It's kind of like the lottery. You see that people do indeed hit the lottery, you see what it takes to win the lottery, you may play the lottery, you may even have friends that hit the lottery, but you never find yourself in the position of hitting the lottery.
What I do love about this song is that she masterfully sets the mood by explaining the situation; how she has wholeheartedly searched for love and "again love has knocked me down" so that is why she places her heart under "lock and key".
In trying to vent to my friends about how I feel it's like they don't ever hear my heart. They don't feel the brokenness, they don't experience the pain. So they give me some bull shit song and dance about a fucking silver lining that I've yet to see. At this point I don't believe in a damn silver lining. Whether there is one or isn't one I just don't really fuckin give a shit anymore. It's not worth this. I'm just tired. I don't wanna do this anymore. I officially give up.
No matter what I do or don't do the result remains the same. So what is the use? What's the purpose of it all? It's not going to happen so why bother? Why continue to put myself out there and continue getting hurt whether intentionally or unintentionally? Why get my hopes up one more time for another "what if"? Why?

No, I'm gonna be content to enter my own reality where I don't have to deal with the lies, the games, the lack of clarity, the ulterior motives, the lack of reciprocity, the not saying what you mean, the being told how to feel or not feel, the whole thing. I'm done.

Love is clearly my enemy and I finally am willing to accept that.

"Ive tried that love thing for the last time.."

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Fall For Your Type

"Can I can I save you from you...
...Trying to convince myself I found one,
making the mistake I never learned from"

-Jamie Foxx

I am so pissed at myself... I have been on this damn journey of growth and learning and what not and here I am again mad (meaning I let my feelings get involved) when I should not even be wasting my time with this bull shit...

How is it that there is one person that I formerly banished from my life and he keeps freaking showing up? I mean I knew this type of guy, he was the guy I fell for in high school, I fell for him in college, hell I even had his baby and even though I PROMISE myself that I will not fall for him again I find myself angry at myself all over again...
The guy I'm referring to is the Charmer. I have always had a soft spot for this irritatingly suave and captivating personality. I blame Disney and their stupid obsession with Prince Charming saving the stupid day. I watched those movies all my childhood and I subscribed to that idea and I fight with myself every time over it. So anyway here I am beating myself up again and of course the song that comes on my Pandora station is... "Always Fall For Your Type" (didn't I tell you my life had a soundtrack???) So I looked hard at the lyrics.
I think what I can most identify with is the fact that in the song he seems to have a regretful tone all the while still allowing the progression of this relationship/fling/interaction. The past for me was the worst. Like I said ever since my first charming love I dated the same type of guy perpetually. Then I took a step back and was like ok get it together, and what happened? I stopped dating altogether. Now in my single hood I have somehow allowed myself to without dating the charming guy, still allow him to piss me off. The crazy thing about the charming guy is that he is never satisfied. He has his #1 and #2 and most likely at least #3 but he ALWAYS wants MORE. And as hard as I am trying to not be any of his numbers I still allow myself to feel anger when I see his advances toward me. Like really? You have all these girls that will allow you to have all these girls but yet you still invite me to the movies, buy me drinks if you see me out and try to hypnotize me with your allure? Get out of my face!!!!

I have been strong and I plan to continue to avoid his advances but I still can't shake this anger that we will never be the people that we want each other to be. I'll never be the "open relationship" girl and he'll never be the "settling down" type. So why do we always fall for each other?

The other frustrating part is that when I try to expand my preferences and date guys that are in no way charming, smooth or suave it's like they don't know how to handle my personality and I end up in the other place that I loathe... The "Friend" box. Ahh I swear dating can be so frustrating sometimes!!!! I'm so glad I have you to vent to... In the mean time I will be doing a couple wooo-saaaahs and reminding myself that my one is out there, hopefully he's the charming guy that does want to settle down...

I just can't explain this shit at all...

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Pieces of Me

"I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care

When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy it's your mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom
Crash, you're all I have"
-Ashley Simpson

So I was getting home late last night from an outing with friends and after I got ready for bed and finally laid down I had this crazy clarifying epiphany. I was laying there in my bed social networking and just letting my mind wander and it hit me...

I am high maintenance...

This is something I have been in denial about for a long time, rightfully so because "high maintenance" girls are NOT usually people that the world thinks highly of... I mean in a world/society where convenience is king who wants to deal with something or someone that requires anything more than the minimum effort, attention, maintenance? So for years I lied. To myself, to family, friends, possible love prospects, hell even (then) current beaus... I lied about what I was, I wanted so badly to not seem high maintenance. I wanted to pretend like I was easy going and nonchalant because those were qualities that I thought were acceptable but today is my official coming out... Coming out of the lie that I'm not high maintenance...

For the record I doubt this is a shock to anyone other than me, I mean especially my brother J. For years he has been telling me this only to be brutally rebuffed by me. But the truth is I am ok now with the fact that I require more than the minimum. I mean I require a lot of attention, I require affirmation, I require quality time, kindness, gentleness, the extra thought and the list goes on... I guess I no longer feel ashamed about this because these are the things I give to the people I love so why not require them in return? And especially thinking about the future and the type of man I want as my husband.

This is why the soundtrack has journeyed to Ms. Simpson.... I can remember the first time I heard this song, I instantly fell in LOVE. This is one of those real love songs and although the quality of the singing may be up for debate ( I personally like her voice) you can't deny the adorable lyrics. In this song she is rejoicing at the fact that she has found someone that she can be authentic with; she is able to finally admit the things about her that may not be the best and not be judged for them but be loved and accepted maybe both in spite of and because of... And isn't that what love is? Well I like to think that it's a big part of this complex thing we call love so here I am ready to admit that I am messy, I am whiny (sometimes), I can be dramatic, I can be cold, I over react sometimes, I like text messages first thing in the morning from the person I love, I would love to have flowers on a Tuesday just because.... And it feels good to proclaim this to the world and not feel the least bit embarrassed. Like Dr. Seuss says, "those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter".

So maybe my future husband will never read this and never get a heads up on what he will embark on, but if he does I like to imagine he'll start reading and develop a smirk on his loving face and then he'll eventually nod at my rant and probably have a couple more things to add to my list but then he will pick up his phone and text me "I love you" just because each of those things on the list are qualities that compose the mate to his soul... He'll know the pieces of me and he will be a piece of me... Yeah, I like that

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Golden

"I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song,
Singing loud and strong,
Grooving all day long,
I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my stroll,
I'll be high-steppin' y'all,
Letting the joy unfold"
-Jill Scott

Today is a great day... I woke up and had a smile on my face, spring in my step and a general joy about me... Yesterday was a bit stressful, but as I was debriefing it with one of my besties, I realized that it was "put my foot down" day. I had to create some standards at work, in my personal life, and just in general. Although this can be sometimes frustrating and tiring it's always for the best. I was able to cut some things off at the root and as I like to say "tell some people about themselves". For some reason that always puts me in a good mood.

I say all of this to say, I can totally understand Jill when she is so melodiously singing about taking, "her own freedom..." Freedom is something that must be taken, fought for, both figuratively and literally. You have to decide what is and is not ok in your OWN life... Draw your line in the sand today and bask in the joy of the freedom that it brings.

Happy Friday :)

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Come Live With Me

"Come live with me
And won't you be my love
Share my bread and wine
Be wife to me
Be life to me
Be mine
Oh, come live with me
And be my love
Let our dreams combine
Be great to me
Be fate to me
Be mine"
-Ray Charles

Mood: Pensive
So I stumbled upon this song while listening to Pandora and the romantic inside of me seemed to gasp for air from it's death bed... I mean you have to admit, without even having to hear the lulling melody the lyrics alone lend to the happily ever after that I have so recently stopped believing in.
The thing that I am in so much thought about though is not the idea of happily ever after, I think I'm making my peace with that. I think I'm wondering why this mindset, especially for the male members of my species, is lost. How is it that not even 100 years ago one of the most famous artists of their time and I would argue ours as well could sing these lyrics with such passion and this be such a popular song? When now, the closest to a love song that comes on the radio is a song where the singer boasts, "I'm gonna get you soaking wet, can I make you wet the bed..." We've already been introduced to the fact that I love love songs... I do I love a great love song about LOVE... And my generation seems to not only have lost the art of love songs but the art of love as well... The status quo is to be "kickin it" or to have an "open relationship" which simply means "I can have sex with other people but I will choose also to have sex with you AND you get to have some of my leisure time until I decide otherwise". There's a growing number of people having kids with people that they wouldn't even consider having relationships with and the idea of marriage is pretty much as out of date as the flip phone. There's even an option of "it's complicated" as a relationship status on facebook, I mean wtf?
No wonder the poor romantic inside is knocking on death's door... Commitment has been lost, serious relationships have become unheard of and people just... well they just don't seem to know how or what to do to really, truly love again.
Why don't guys want a love anymore? Why is it that the idea of being with one woman is such a turn off? And I mean I've heard all of the dissenting opinions and read all of the articles about sheer numbers and any other excuses you can find, but I call BS. Where is the part of someone, right now I'm concentrating on the males, but the part of you that wants that ONE special someone that you can come home to and tell about your day and feel secure and loved and supported and wanted and valued and loved? Why would you prefer all of this sneaking and serial dating and constantly having to be and do for all of these different people and keep up this game never really being honest, never truly allowing yourself to be just you for fear that you might "catch feelings"? What the hell is going on in the world?
And ladies why allow a man to devalue you by making you feel like you're crazy for wanting honesty and companionship and commitment? Maybe not everyone does want commitment but a lot of people do. And I for one am publicly proclaiming that YOU ARE NORMAL. There is nothing wrong with you... You are not missing some crazy stage of enlightenment, and you are neither unreasonable nor needy for creating a standard and sticking to it. If you know deep down in your heart that you want the ONE don't let someone make you their number 2.
SO now that my rant is over... I will place this beautiful song on repeat and let the sun shine in on me while I dream of that wonderful man that will one day play this song for me and mean every word of it, the man that wants and values honesty and commitment as much as I do, the man that will be my life partner.
I think the romantic inside just got a very positive prognosis, from here on out she's here to stay... Thanks Ray Charles

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Free

"Ain't no feeling like being free
When your mind's made up
And your hearts in the right place, yeah"
-Destiny's Child

Hello again to all my friends :) It has been almost a month since my last post and sooooo many things have happened. As you may be able to tell, I am no longer in my dark and twisty sad place and I am so grateful to God. Not only have I found my joy, I am free of anger, bitterness and resent. The soundtrack has me in a very good place right now... I am in place of freedom. Freedom from guilt, embarrassment, insecurity, anger, and bondage in general.

I have had my time to think and process all that went down and I'm of the mindset that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that every challenge we go through in our lives is meant to prepare us for the next step or phase and before we can "cross over" we have to complete the level... Well I'm happy to say that I have mastered this challenge beautifully if I do say so myself. I was even able to have a conversation with my former best friend and have some closure and for that I am grateful.

Since then I have been able to put the past behind me and begin this love stuff all over again... Not with a new relationship or a replacement of the previous one, but with a new found appreciation for all that is me... I feel beautiful and valuable and confident and whole. I feel like the world is my oyster. I am glad to be who I am and where I am at this moment in time and I appreciate all the experiences that have brought me to this moment.

So here I am world! I am free, and my heart is in the right place :)

Until the next song plays...

-Jazz

Nobody Knows

"I'm dyin' inside
and nobody knows it but me"

-Tony Rich

Each day I get a little stronger, I process it a little more, I grow a little taller, my heart hurts a little less. But the hardest part aside from healing from the hurt and getting over the initial anger, I miss my friend. I just miss my friend.

I miss what our friendship would have been without any of this. I miss the way that we were. I miss the inside jokes and having a person there that knew me without me having to explain anything. In all of this I can't help but think about if our friendship would have ever gotten to the point it was at without all of the extra. If not for my feelings, I would certainly not have spent that much time with him, or invested what I did, or cared the way I cared. I guess that makes me foolish. I'll give you that.

I finally feel like forgiveness is the resolution to all of this. I don't wanna feed my anger, I don't wanna look back and feel cheated, or bitter, or betrayed, or any of that. I wanna look back and smile. I wanna be able to remember the good times, the inside jokes, and the fun. I wanna tell stories of a friendship that was great, a friend that was there when I needed him. A friend who's season in my life was a bright one. A friend that I will always love, but know that I must love from a far.
I'm a little melancholy today but I'm making it... This is all a part of the process...

Until the next song plays...

-Jazz

Dreamlover

"I don't want another pretender
To disillusion me one more time
Whispering words of forever
Playing with my mind

I need someone to hold on to
The kind of love that won't fly away
I just want someone to belong to
Everyday
Of my life
Always
So come and take me away..."
-Mariah Carey



I was listening to the radio today, and was feeling sorry for myself like I always do in these situations. This song popped up and peaked my interest. It was the first song that I listened to today that made me come out of my self-pity state and actually bob my head and sing along. It's ironic because this used to be my FAVORITE song as a little girl. I used to sit and watch tv waiting for the video to come on, and even at that young age I could understand the words and I knew than that I wanted this dream lover to come and rescue me too. I wanted to be taken away, to be loved, to be sought after... I guess this is the reason I just can't seem to leave love alone... It's been ingrained in me since youth.

Listening to this song today gave me a new perspective on this whole situation. This jerk of and asshole that pretended to be my friend, does NOT get to break me. None of the men in my life that did not know how, or care to, or know how to love me do not get the power of tainting the very thing that I have wanted and desired for my entire life. Love is bigger than them and their insecurities, and failures, and lies, and malicious deeds. Love does not begin or end with them. Not for my life at least. I now more than ever believe, I believe in a dream lover. I believe that he is out there and he is probably just as frustrated with the way that love or pseudo-love has been going in his life at this point. I think that he dreams of meeting a woman that really believes in love, marriage, commitment, trust, and forever. He dreams of finding a woman that still wants to be swept off her feet and that is also fluent in all of the love languages. He too, is tired of pretenders, and those that want to play games. And I bet just like me, he is praying that she doesn't give up on love because that would mean he would never get to reap the love that he's sown.

So I'm here my dream lover.... Ready to begin again, equipped to love completely again, motivated to try it all again because I know you've been wanting this as much as I have and I know that you know me and understand how I feel inside. So come and take me away, up, down, anywhere you want to... Come take me away...


until the next song plays...

-Jazz

What's Love Got To DO With It?

"Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that"
-Tina Turner


Greetings loves! I am back seemingly for the first time at the place where I vowed to never return. You know this love thing really is for the damn birds.

As you can probably guess from the song title, I am back at odds with love because I really feel like I just can not win. I mean this time, this time it seemed so different. I felt like all the things I usually do wrong I did so right, and all of the things I was scared to do I jumped in head first. I loved this man completely, flaws and all. And at the same time I was able ti recognize that I didn't need him... not to define me or take care of me or even love me... I just wanted, chose, decided to love him.

Well it didn't do me any good. This man that spent most of his free time and beyond in my face, up under me, inviting me to share his life with him, his family, his ups and downs... I invested my time, my love, my complete self into this love and for what? For him to tell me that he sees me as a fuckin friend? ARE WE SERIOUS HERE? I would like to go on record for saying that men that use this friend son and dance to trick women into being there damn place holders are the WORST kind of vomit-like species alive. How can you out of your mouth say "I just really see you as a friend" when your actions show me, and the ENTIRE world the exact opposite? How can you call on me to share your highs and lows, and every other intricate detail of your life and simply call it being a friend? How can you gain my trust that you're "looking out for my best interest", "sharing my life" when in all actuality you watch as I play the fool... And for 3 years???

Three long years where I worked love like it was my job...

Where did I go wrong? How did I find myself BACK in this same damn situation, pissed, depressed, both over and underwhelmed, along with feeling completely used up and half-crazy? Why is it that I continue to sow love into a ground that seems to only be able to reap pain? From this point I have decided that for sure this person MUST be ejected from my life. I simply cannot continue in a friendship where I can't trust your words or actions, where I feel like you sought my demise for your own selfish gain, and in Sade's words he simply, "took my love..."
I'm done being friendly. I don't want and or need not another male "friend". Never again will I put myself in a situation where a man can pull the damn "bait and switch" on me. The current guy friends I have are cool. We have limited meaningful interactions that are reminiscent of a brother/sister bond. No confusion, no problems. But sleepovers, concerts with parents, sharing of finances, long walks in the park and long late night conversations??? HELL NO, NEVER AGAIN...

As you can tell, I'm upset (to say the least) I think I'm most of all flabbergasted that this shit is still going on... Those people in the world that say one thing and do another are the WORST kind of liars on earth. But I'm proud of myself for being honest, both with myself and my feelings. I am so much better to have ended that ruse of a friendship. Every ending is a new beginning right? SO now I begin again... A life that has NOTHING to do with love ( at least not the romantic type)

until the next song plays...

-Jazz

Headed In The Right Direction

"Headed in the right direction

I can see the light of day

I've got faith and intuition

telling me that I will be ok..."

-India Arie

2011... Wow it's a brand new year and about six months from the last time I checked in with you. Detox was rough, but I actually was successful (not at first) in completing it and I feel great. I am in a much better place. A place where bitterness although not completely gone is not a major focus. A place where I'm no longer mad or angry at the penis-ed species. A place where I am each day being more and more introspective. A place where I'm finally content in my singleness....

Rehab caused me to ask a lot of questions and as a result I began this journey to contentment. I began to ask myself why? Why was all of this so important to me? Why was I soo wrapped up in this idea of a man ushering me into my "happily ever after"? And when I asked myself these questions I was no longer satisfied with the answers I had been telling myself for years. No more excuses having to do with socialization, or family traditions, or daddy or even disney movies. I'm a big girl now. I'm no longer ignorant of these things so I can't use them as excuses or justifications. The truth of the matter was I needed to put my knowledge and my learnings and growth where my mouth was. It was no longer enough for me to talk about how I had grown to know myself and love myself, I have to do it. I have to quit moping around waiting for some figment of my imagination to come and bring me happiness when I am entirely capable of doing that myself.

So, I did.

I realized that my problem was not wanting to be in a relationship, it was the fact that I was putting off things in my life until that happened. I associated too many of the possibilities in my life with someone other than myself and that is never ok. I was turning into what I had grown to hate and I realized that I had to make a change.

So I put away fear and picked love back up, but this love was a different kind of love. A friend of mine told me that one of the most powerful prayers you can pray is to simply say to God, I accept. In doing this you are completely trusting what God has for you and giving up control in order to receive the greatness in store for you. Each day this is my prayer and I have been blessed beyond measure. A wonderful son, my dream job, a wonderful apartment, great family, rockstar friends and the list could be a thousand pages long.

So beginning this calendar year and in a couple days a new life year, I am wrapped in love and gratefulness. Giving up control and trusting that I am receiving everything that God has for me. I definitely think this is the right direction. :)

Until the next song plays...

-Jazz