Thursday, May 28, 2009


"Free like a flying dove
Free like the moon above
Free like the four letters that spell out L-O-V-E love
Free like the bluest sky
Free like wings up high
Free like... free like"
-Jill Scott

I'm tired. I'm tried of life right now. Maybe it's because I have not had a real break or vacation in like who knows when, or maybe it's because I don't get enough sleep ever, but maybe just maybe it's just me. I mean I feel so drained and nothing as done the job of renewing me.
Now that my program is coming to an end I will have some free time and some me. I wish I could just get away for a while. Away from life as I know it. Away from waking up early and going to bed late. Away from fixing dinner and giving baths. Away from ignorant bosses and even more ignorant coworkers. And yes even away from my leisure activities. I want to escape to a paradise where my only responsibility is to be happy.
Honestly, I want to go to Oakland. O Oakland. That's where my best friend lives. He was always the one that had the capability to make me feel like I was in another place. A surreal state of mind. And although I am making the concious decision not to go there and visit him (for o so many reasons) I still have a vision of what it would be like to do so...

Maybe it's not even about Oakland. Maybe the problem is that I am at the point in my life where I feel like something has to shake! I mean I feel like I'm at a standstill and I just need that breakthrough into my own destiny. These 10 months have been great don;t get me wrong but in my reflection I realize that it was only a transition. Many would look at me and assume that my graduation from this program means nothing but to me this has been a time for such growth. I have litterally been in my coccoon. I have honestly, and wholeheartedly looked at me in the mirror and loved, and understood, and purged, and most of all transformed. I need now to emerge from this coccoon and spread my wings and fly. I need to fly. I need to be free and fly and soar and be. I need to do this. I need to begin again and that means leaving all of this mundane mediocre bs alone. Getting rid of the nouns in my life that aren't worth my time. Getting rid of the doubts in my own mind that try their hardest to hold me back. I've come such a long way just to get stuck in this so I am stepping into my freedom. Stepping into the newness that I have created, and stepping away from everything that I have let go of from the past. It's been almost a year since I made the decision to love me and grow into the me that I was meant to be. I am free now...

Until the next song plays...

Monday, May 18, 2009

My Life Would Suck Without You

"'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you"
-Kelly Clarkson

What is love? I mean honestly? Is it really all this extra butterflies and bells and whistles? Does it really mean you go gaga over someone and are blind to their imperfections? Well I use to believe in all of the above and ooooo so much more, but now I'm past all of these societal, socialized, definitions of love and I have morphed into Ms. Webster and decided to define my love for myself. I need to do this because I'm at a very critical point in my life. I refuse to let myself be hurt by this crap again.

I have listened to this song over and over and over and it got me to thinking... This is what real love is about. Love is recognizing that a person has made your life better so much so that their absence would cause great anguish. I like this definition. I like the realness of not only knowing yourself, but knowing the other person to the point that you understand but are willing to admit that your life is better with them in it.

I think that if I would have accepted this definition earlier in my life, I would never had to resort to Secrets. I would have understood that it's not about all this extra crap. It's not about a boo just for boo sake. It all comes down to, "an equal beneficial arrangement" to quote Mr. Soulchild. And that my friends is what I want. I think maybe I've found it but never looked at it this way I thought it was too simple. But the simplicity is what makes this sooo beautiful. I need my best friend. I love my phone calls from him in the middle of the night, I enjoy the inside jokes that we share, I most of all relish in the fact that for 10 years we have known and grown and loved each other. I can honestly say, my life would suck without him. So... yeah insert ephiany sound here...

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Water Runs Dry

"why do we hurt each other?
why do we push love away?"
-Boyz II Men

I know I haven't been the best blogger. I know I've been gone for a while and haven't been keeping you updated on what the haps are on this soundtrack and I'm sorry. To be quite honest I have been kind of on a long walk alone. By my lonesome. I've been taking a lot of time to think and reevaluate everything in my life. And people have noticed; it's funny just a couple months ago I was so into the idea of spending time with friends and family and new friends that I was not in the least bit concerned about taking time out for myself. And the very same people that I tried so hard to offer myself and my time to, seemingly pushed it away, yet now when I have the notion to be by my dammie, all of the sudden everyone seems to feel pushed away, shut out etc.

Where the hell were these people when my life was in social crisis??? O well you know I just chaulk it up to not missing the water til the well runs dry...

I'm attempting to balance things out now. I want to be there for my friends and loved ones but... I also want to take care of myself and that means appreciating my own water. The life-giving power that is within me is only to be sustained and replenished by me taking time to take care of me. So now I come first, and if that means some people don't get called everyday, so be it. And if it also means that maybe just maybe social butterfly Jazz just doesn't want to be bothered when you feel that she should... my only answer is to get over it!

I have come to understand that people in general, well most people, look out for themselves first. This is cool and expected, but I previously was not one of these people. I used to bend over backwards and try to accomodate those around me until I noticed that those around me were not doing this in return. I don't blame them I blame myself. No one should come before me in my life. The thing I am a little peeved about tho is the fact that now because I am putting me first, people accuse me of being distant, or hermit-like. Again I have to say... they'll get over it. My friends, family, and other loved ones are just gonna have to understand that the day has come when I am my own priority. So hopefully we after reading this blog some of them will gain some clarity on my recent relclusion and they will begin to be more appreciative of the well...

Until the next song plays...