Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Love and I

"I really wish we were made to be
happy without love in our life.
To know that I have total control
Over being happy, happy
But reality is I cannot live without love
But I will try tonight"

Ok my loves... This time last year I was so proud of myself. Valentine's Day came and went and I the seemingly last single girl survived without incident. Reading over that blog empowered me throughout the rest of that year and I thought man I really am getting the hang of this being alone thing. Um... fast forward a year later and I am almost too embarrassed to share what Valentine's Day looked like for that same girl. You would think it would be even better and easier to deal with but alas the answer is no!

Valentine's Day this year was a mess! To say the least. Like I said I am ashamed at the outcome of my Valentine's Day 2010 but I am still going to share it because this blog is about growth and love and life and learning. I want it to be real and truly reflective of my life journey and true to life stuff doesn't always work out the way you want it to...

So February 14, 2010 started off in a wonderful way. I got up rested and ready to journey to the house of the Lord. I had gone to dinner and shopping the previous day and the items that I purchased helped to make me feel beautiful which is something that always helps. Church was nice and the sermon was something I needed to hear about God hearing us and being able to use His power to help. Of course I needed that, so anyway I was content to spend my Valentine's Day with my immediate family and our close friends at dinner. It was one of our favorite restaurants and it doubled as a birthday celebration. Sounds all good right? Wrong! As dinner winded to an end talk of "what's next" started and of the three couples that attended the dinner (I was the only non coupled grown person. The other two diners were my son and my 11 year old sister.) two of the couples my parents included decided to make plans. Unbeknown to me I was designated as the night's babysitter because I, as it was so loudly and rudely announced over the entire table by my step-dad, "had no other plans for the night..."


There it was my friends... the salt in the wound that I had tried to bandage. Now of course I'm sure this announcement and designation as the night's babysitter was not a malicious act but wow did it hurt. I mean I was there already uncomfortable in my own skin because it was Valentine's Day and I was alone. Not only was I alone, I was with six other people that were coupled and two people that were not coupled due to age. And as much I had in my mind that I was ok because I was with my family and they loved me I still ended up alone that night. Maybe I should say that I ended up lonely that night. Lonely. Loneliness and I have definitely been getting to know each other a lot lately. It seems that since Love and I broke up, Loneliness had come and taken love's place. I never thought that I could really be this person that I've become. Of course I've had my ups and downs with love. Feelings of being betrayed by love and thinking that I just need to be done seem to have been a theme in my life as of late but I'm at the point now where I don't think that I even broke up with love. I think love broke up with me.

Sure everyone I've talked to about these feelings has given me this textbook "don't feel bad about yourself" advice which basically consists of either telling me that "it, as in love, will come eventually..." whenever the hell eventually is or I am instructed to "just try not to focus on it too much... it comes when you stop thinking about it..." I call BS on both of these poor excuses for encouragement or advice or whatever it is supposed to be. On top of the fact that I don't wanna hear this crap, I also want to know what exactly these tidbits are supposed to mean and make me feel? Yes I know being in a relationship is not the most pressing issue in the world. I get that. However, it is something that I desire and I don't apologize for wanting to be in love. Especially when it seems like everyone around me is falling ass-backwards into relationships without even a thought.

This issue of loneliness is a bit new for me. I mean sure I've been lonely before but not to this extent and not for this amount of time. Usually I can find something or someone to keep me out of the depths of loneliness but not this time. And it wouldn't bother me so much if I hadn't just reached the ephipany that, "I deserve the things that I want in life". For a long time I think I put up with feelings of loneliness because I felt like maybe for some reason I didn't deserve to be in a relationship for whatever reason... but lately, since I've realized how much I do deserve this and am worthy of it, I've just gotten pissed off at loneliness for this abusive relationship we've been in.

So then what the hell is the answer? What's next in this thing we call life? Realizing that I want and deserve love, yet being on the outs with it and feeling like love is engaged to an entity called "everyone else"... The truth is I DON'T KNOW... I don't know what comes next for me and that is the scary part. I don't know how long I will even try or can even continue to try. Even I get tired of dealing with love's BS games. So for the moment I'm stuck in this crap of a relationship with loneliness... We'll see if it can commit...

Until the next song plays...

Monday, February 8, 2010

So Much Things To Say

"Remember that
See when this rain falls, it don't, fall on one man's house top
They've got so much things to say right now
They've got so much, so much things to say
They've got, heh, so much things to say right now"

-Bob Marley

Yes my friends it has been a minute since I've come and shared with you all... Saying I've missed you would truly be an understatement! But to say I've been busy would be one too. Life has thrown some curve balls lately and I find myself needing to come here and open my heart and soul and pour out all those things I haven't been able to say. I've experienced the coming of a New Year and the dawning of a new decade. I've had a birthday and entered the year of 25 which I am very excited about!

So the soundtrack has brought me to a place of having "So much things to say right now..." In this past couple of months I have truly been on a growth spurt. As we all know I have been on this quest to love. Love not only myself in a more effective way but to love those around me in a more healthy way. This journey I know is a life-long one and one that has and will continue to require asking the hard questions to myself, and others as well as being transparent when all you wanna do is hide. Lately I have had to do some of that and it hasn't been pretty. See at this point I'm really trying to put all of the lessons I've been learning into action and begin to be that person. The person that learns from the past and doesn't foolishly repeat it.

So the most recent thing I've had to deal with is my almost fear of taking up for myself when it comes to certain people in my life. I'm in no way a timid person but there are few people that have this way of making me clam up when I know I should speak or cause me to compromise when I shouldn't. So lately the Jazz on the inside has been speaking up for herself, having those courageous conversations and not allowing anyone to steal her space. And I freakin love it!

I have also come to the realization that I deserve all that I want and desire! For too long I have justified the fear and anxiety that has caused me to either not go for the things that I want or has caused me to fool myself into thinking that I don't really want it. I've even gotten to the point of doubting myself and actually believing that others deserved the things that I wanted more than me because they were smarter, or prettier, or whatever. These lies I have been telling myself are so destructive to the me I am growing to be and you know what? They stop today!

I am the best Jazz that I can be right now and if there are things that I want I need to go after them with everything I have inside of me. I have to realize that I have the ability to accomplish any task that I set my mind to with ease and comfort. I also have to choose to see the best that is already inside of me because of who I am as a creation of the Master of the Universe. Does this mean that I have it all together? Of course not. Does this mean that growth stops? Absolutely not! This is where growth continues and becomes effective. We must learn to accept ourselves and that means not allowing ourselves to doubt that we are any less than what we are, and what we are, what I am at this very moment is beautiful. Is the caterpillar any less beautiful than the butterfly?

Ok friends well with all these new revelations life is certainly going to be more exciting :)

Until the next song plays...