Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I Remember

"There was nowhere else to go
Nobody else to turn to
For the rest of my life
I promise myself
I will love me first genuinely..."

Friendship has been a little hard to handle lately. I am very much the type of person that, once I feel close to person, a friend, I am inclined to feel that way until otherwise I decide not to. Weird as it may be, I very quickly become attached to my friends. So lately I have been realizing that this is not so true for the rest of the world. I mean yeah there are so many people around me that I love and support and hang out with etc. Yet on those days when I am sad, lonely, frustrated, excited, whatever there hasn't been anyone around for me to share that with. I miss my close circle that I use to have back in the high school and college days. You know that one group of girls that did everything together, then on top of that knew everything about each other. Man I enjoy the security of knowing when something goes down all I have to do is pick up the phone...

I guess things change as we age an mature. Instead of my girls being maybe a floor or classroom away, now my real close friends are states away. Yeah I can pick up the phone and give her a ring but it's just not the same. And don't get me wrong the people that are close to me vicinity wise are not bad people it's just the history, the investment, the time is not there... yet.

In these times of loneliness, in missing my girls, and trying to figure out how to create new circles, I realize that I need to get it together. What I mean is that, I have to be content in my solitude sometimes. It's hard of course and yes the extrovert in me is slowly being forced to calm down but, I think I'm growing and realizing that I don't have to be sad and lonely. I can use this time to understand myself better and what it is I really want out of friendship. I am convinced that there must be a reason for all of this going on in my life at this moment... I just hope it doesn't last much longer...

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Purify Me

"It's like you're baptizing me with your love...
...Like a glimmer of life
Like a vision of light
And he's so perfect I couldn't picture him if I tried"
-India Arie

Today is such a special day. Today is the anniversary of my mommyhood. This day 4 years ago I was baptized. Baptized by the love only a mother could feel for their child. Baptized into the greatest responsibility of my life. Baptized into a new and totally different life...love...me. See before I had my son, I was at a bad point in my life. I was kind of aimlessly living and being thrown to and from by circumstance. Sure I had goals and dreams and visions of what I wanted but I didn't either know how or care enough to do what it took to accomplish them. I was also in a bit of an unhealthy relationship to say the least. Basically life was living me, not the other way around. Once I found out I was pregnant, all that changed... quickly. I had to get my shit together. I could no longer play with life, I was now going to be in charge of someone else and all of my decisions were gonna affect them DIRECTLY. Sure this may sound like the beginning (or ending) of a couple lifetime movies but I'm telling you for a lot of mothers... this feeling of urgency regarding responsibility is all too real.

Once he was born, and I was no longer under the influence of the general anesthesia, I held him and I just could not believe the reality. I was looking into the eyes of a person that I created. Honestly giving birth and the aftermath is a truly spritual experience. His presence was my very own confirmation that not only does a greater being exist, but they are truly merciful, wonderful, and most of all faithful.

And 4 years later... I feel the exact same way. Sure I haven't made all the right decisions, nor have I perfected motherhood. But we're here, and we're taken care of. I say this not in boast but as a testimony of what I know to be real.

My baptism 4 years ago changed my life. It changed the very essence of my life, and I haven't been the same since. Everyday now, I strive to be a better me so that I can be a better mother for him. Now that he's at the point of having his own personality I can just feel LOVE in each word, action, goodnight kiss he gives. I was purified by HIS love... Thank you GOD!

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


"I don't know what it is that you've done to me...
but it's caused me to act in such a crazy way.
Whatever it is that you do when you do what you're doing..."

So have you ever been in the situation where you don't know why you feel the way that you feel about someone? I mean you want to feel one way but everything in your mind soul and body feels differently? Ugh if you have never been in this predicament let me tell you, it is not a fun situation. That thin line between love and hate is getting thinner and thinner every moment. There is someone. Someone that I hate. Someone that irks the hell out of me and makes me want to rip their eyelashes off one by one yet... Yet this person has done something to me to make me not able to control this other feeling. This feeling of nervousness whenever they are around or try to engage me in conversation. This feeling that I can't stop smiling when I look at them. This bullshit of a crush that is beginning to develop... again. O yes we have gone through this foolishness before. I have gone down that path and came right back running and screaming so I ask myself... Why the hell would you even dare to contemplate making that same mistake again? I am truly and honestly pissed off at myself and my feelings. Here I am trying to grow and evolve and learn, and my dumb feelings are trying to revert back to their old ways.

I refuse! I like this place of being content in hating this person. I mean I deserve this feeling. I am comfortable in it and I know how to deal with it. Well I admit hate is a strong word but that's why i chose it. I strongly hate the way that this person made me feel. I hate their dumb words and stupid presence. Ok I am being childish and immature but there is this part of me that wants to be done with you when you make me sad. And it has usually worked for me but this person, well they must have discovered the secret. So I'm mad and I feel a bit betrayed by my feelings. I want this to stop and I will every day force myself not to think of them, to stop smiling when I think about them or talk to them, and most of all stop thinking about them period!

Help... the soundtrack is picking songs and I don't even have control of them anymore!

Until the next song plays...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Gotta Find Peace of Mind

"You're my peace of mind, that old me is left behind
You're my peace of mind, you're my peace of mind...
What a joy it is to be alive
To get another chance, yeah
Everyday's another chance
To get it right this time
Everyday's another chance
Oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God
Oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God"
-Lauryn Hill

Wow... Life just keeps throwing me curve balls. I mean just when I think I have it right, just when I think I have it wrong, just when I think I'm where I should, could, would be... I have of course been on this quest for so many things, love being one of the most elusive... In this quest for love and not just in the romantic form, I have come to such new revelations. I mean I am starting to become so interested in an aspect of love that I have never even took the time to question before. This aspect of love has all of the sudden perplexed me in it's manifestations. The love I'm referring to is friendship. The phileo love if you will. This love that in the past I just thought was shared between homies. Not to be taken lightly of course but still something that comes and is great but certainly could not compete with eros... Interestingly enough I was saddly mistaken.

This past couple of months has been hard on the friendship tip for me to say the least, yet I believe that like any good rose bush the pruning produces the beauty. So anyway I have truly gotten to the point of not even wanting to deal with some of the people in my life that I called "friend" because of the foolishness that they have been participating in. Everything from blatent unmerited accusations, to apathy, to fickleness, to downrght disrespect. I just have such a low threshold for stuff like that so in turn I kindly entered into my turtle shell content to be by my lonesome til I had a reason not to be. Well life said not so! I was quickly bombarded by a resonance of wonderful reminders of what real friendship is and should be. I mean phone calls, belly laughs, general assurances that despite the foolishness that I had endured, there were still those that loved me... that phileo'd me... and that felt so good. I adore my friends, I mean I truly adore these people in my life. And even being able to expand my close circle to include my brothers. Brothers that have my best interests at heart, that aren't ruled by ulterior motives but truely choose to invest in me and my little one. I guess in a word I'm a bit speechless...

In all of this, one thing that I was also able to gain back was my peace of mind. I had been so caight up in withdrawing and getting away, that I forgot to recognize that I have to create a space to maintain my own peace. Peace with myself, peace with those around me, peace in general. I have to remind myself that no one gets the power to rob me of my peace of mind, foolishness or not. This period of my life has been so overwhelming... It seems like each day I grow and find out something more and new and just something else... I just stand in awe.

Until the next song plays...

Friday, July 24, 2009


"Melting down the walls of inhibition
Evaporating all of my fears
Baptizing me into complete submission
Dissolving my condition with his tears"
- Lauryn Hill

Today is a wonderfully beautiful Friday! Despite the crap that has been creeping up, my joy will not suffer collateral damage and I am free today. I am baptized in the water of life and love and freedom. The soundtrack has led me to one of the deepest songs I've ever heard, by one of the the most talented ingenious artists alive; The Divine Ms. L... As I like to call her. Anyway this song is just one of those happy songs in my life. When listening to this song I just feel baptized by the guitar chords and fortified by the lyrics. Just for today, at least, I see my fears evaporating, and feel the inhibition melting away. I am happy today, I am free today, I love me some me today... Enjoy!

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


"Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger"
-Brittany Spears

Wow... from MJ to Brittany. Sorry folks but hear me out, this song simply puts it best.

My ex called me last night. As I looked at the number I never thought I'd see flash on my phone again, I heard the voice I never thought I'd hear greet me again, and heard the words that I never thought I would have heard him say... "I missed you, I've been thinking about you..." Insert screeching car wheel sounds here! I am still in utter shock. I mean this man... Well I'll just say I was in LOVE with this man. I literally craved this man at one point and after the horrible, break up we went through... I never thought we'd ever interact again. Sure I missed him, and sure I would from time to time have to remind myself of all the pain and suffering we went through in order to keep myself from picking up that phone, but I was convinced that as long as I didn't open Pandora's box that it would remain closed and that I was in control.

Yeah there goes that theory... I mean the thing is I was afraid of this very thing happening. I was afraid that if he was the one that came back, if he was the one that swallowed his pride and came back to reconcile that I would be powerless to his advances. I mean sure I've been on this journey and I'm growing and I'm exploring this life as a single lady (shout out to Beyonce!); but the loneliness that I was forced to endure... well at times it was unbearable. SO... I have to admit that when my phone rang last night I was a little scared of what I might say or do...

Well... all I can say is that I surprised my damn self! I mean I was calm, I was cordial, I was well, I was stronger. I didn;t have the urge to sit and reminisce about old times, I just sat and had a conversation with an old buddy. I guess all of this stuff about growth really does work. I was able to be the me I want to be. I was able to knwo that this was not the time to revert back to old ways, and I was finallt able to prove to myself that even though it may have felt like it, my loneliness does not have to kill me if I don't choose to let it. I have a choice in the matter. I have a standard that I'm choosing to uphold and I want to be who I say I am. So I am officially proud of myself. Now... does this mean that I have it all together? NO I'm not claiming perfection I never will but I will say that I've come a long way baby!

Until the next song plays...

Monday, July 20, 2009


"I wish I could change
I wish I could change
I wish I could stop
Sayin the same old things
I wish I could be
Who u want me 2 be"
-Robin Thicke

Although I personally am still on an MJ kick, the soundtrack has led me to one of my other favorite male artists... Robin Thicke. I have long been hypnotized by the alluring chords in this song accompanied by his o so pure falsetto and of course the lyrics are what I really want. This song struck me because of it's honesty. The honesty of knowing that you can't give someone what they want, need or are asking for, yet in that you... well you wish that you could. As I have been on this journey, this journey I'll refer to as my quest to explore my inner introvert, I have defiitely pissed off quite a few people. In the past this would have been the least of my worries but now, now I'm starting to realize how my recent inconsistency could lead others to view me as becoming apathetic, distant, or even in some cases just plain old bitchy. I don't want to be viewed as such. Especially since I am continually attempting to be intentional about my words and deeds. And I haven't quite mastered the balance or integration if you will, of taking some time out to focus on me and being a little selfish on top of being everything to everyone as I have done in the past.

I admit, I've gone from one extreme to the other. I went from being completely consumed in everyone else's life, being all things to all people. I got burned out on that. I got tired of not taking care of me, not only that I got tired of noone caring if I took care of me as long as I was taking care of them. So now I admit I'm being a little selfish, but I wish... I just wish that people could understand that. I wish I could go back... even if only to give warning of the upcoming transformation. But now all I can say or tell my friends is that I just am taking time to take care of me... Well I am enjoying it.

I love the fact that I can appreciate my alone time, I love that when I get off work I look forward to going home and spending the rest of the night with my baby boy and I don't have to worry about who needs a ride here, or how much this person needs so they won't get evicted, or even what errand does this one need to run for their week to go smoothly...

So yes for their sake yes, I wish I could be who they wanted me to be... yet I'm glad I can't. I guess I'm just complicated...

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'

"Someone's Always Tryin' To Start My Baby Cryin'
Talkin', Squealin', Lyin'
Sayin' You Just Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'"

So yes the soundtrack is lovin MJ right about now... And more than that this song is perfect for what I'm feeling right now. As always life refuses to let me be content. I have a great job, I'm loving my me time, and I just generally feel good. Yet a stupid situation reers it's ugly head. Let me start off by saying when I'm done with someone I'm pretty much finished talking about any and everything that has to do with whatever lead me to be done with them in the first place. I am, however in the process of trying to do better with that aspect of me. So in with a particular person that met this fate of me being done with them, I had to really search myself and forgive and live and let live. I actually forgave this person. Not only that, I was able to leave any bitterness, and aught that I had behind. I am proud of myself fot this.

So here is the stupid part. There are others that don't feel that this course of action was sufficient for the situation. I have been told that I need to go back to this formerly done with person and "clear the air". WTF? Can I just say that that shit is for the birds. I'm not doing that. I've grown but I haven't grown into stupidity. Furthermore, I personally have not felt an awkwardness toward this formerly done person (I kinda love that term) and based on the previous circumstances the fact that I am where I am with this situation says a lot.

I guess the problem here for me is that I feel that I've done everything in this situation that I'm going to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm either right or wrong for not "clearing the air", I am however being honest with myself and the other parties about what is realistically going to happen on this end. Not only that but I have come to the place where I'm comfortable with that course of action whether it be right or wrong. It seems like it's always somethin.

It seems like someone always has an opinion for me, a course of action they'd like me to take, something they want me to change... I'm getting to the point where I'm fed up with this type of pseudo-constructive criticism. I admit my personality type (ENFP) is such that I am prone to taking things personally so I understand that I may sound a bit ridiculous. But I mean there is a way, a time, a place, a tone that must be intentionally thought about when going there with someone... especially me.

I say all of this not to try and start somethin' but just as a way to vent my frsutrations...

Until the next song plays...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Human Nature

"And they say why why tell them that it's human nature..."
-Michael Jackson

It's been a long time and sooo much has happened. In my life, in this world, in time and space. I use this lyric as an homage to the King that we lost much to soon... I also use this lyric as a way to profess my humanity. During the past month and a half I have gone through an attempted censoring in regards to this soundtrack. No need for anymore details but just know I fought for you, for me, for my right to say and write whatever I need to say or write because it's my human nature. Too many times in life when people don't like, understand, or are afraid of words, thoughts, ideas they want to censor them. That my friends is bs. To quote one of our founding fathers (ahem) "I may not like what you say, but I'll defend til my death your right to say it". Why can't more people think this way?

Back to the point at hand.... My humanity. We've previously discussed loving and appreciating one's humanity and all that comes with that i.e. Flaws and All. But now I'm recognizing that this humanity, this human nature if you will is also the tie that binds. There are a lot of things going on in my life and some of the people in it are making some bonehead decisions. I would love to shout at them and say "hey, don't do that" but I can't. I look at them in their desperation, in their time of blatent ignorance and instead of looking at them wondering why, I can't help but see myself. See we all know Miss Jazz has not been the best decision maker in life. Yes I've grown and fallen and gotten up but I know that I will never get to the point where I myself am immune to the bonehead decision. Hopefully I won't revisit a misstep from the past but there are so many new uncharted bonehead decisions to be made... I jest of course but I guess I've said all of that to say... I'm really feelin Micahel for this song... R.I.P. King of Pop... MJ

Until the next song plays...

Thursday, May 28, 2009


"Free like a flying dove
Free like the moon above
Free like the four letters that spell out L-O-V-E love
Free like the bluest sky
Free like wings up high
Free like... free like...free like....free like"
-Jill Scott

I'm tired. I'm tried of life right now. Maybe it's because I have not had a real break or vacation in like who knows when, or maybe it's because I don't get enough sleep ever, but maybe just maybe it's just me. I mean I feel so drained and nothing as done the job of renewing me.
Now that my program is coming to an end I will have some free time and some me. I wish I could just get away for a while. Away from life as I know it. Away from waking up early and going to bed late. Away from fixing dinner and giving baths. Away from ignorant bosses and even more ignorant coworkers. And yes even away from my leisure activities. I want to escape to a paradise where my only responsibility is to be happy.
Honestly, I want to go to Oakland. O Oakland. That's where my best friend lives. He was always the one that had the capability to make me feel like I was in another place. A surreal state of mind. And although I am making the concious decision not to go there and visit him (for o so many reasons) I still have a vision of what it would be like to do so...

Maybe it's not even about Oakland. Maybe the problem is that I am at the point in my life where I feel like something has to shake! I mean I feel like I'm at a standstill and I just need that breakthrough into my own destiny. These 10 months have been great don;t get me wrong but in my reflection I realize that it was only a transition. Many would look at me and assume that my graduation from this program means nothing but to me this has been a time for such growth. I have litterally been in my coccoon. I have honestly, and wholeheartedly looked at me in the mirror and loved, and understood, and purged, and most of all transformed. I need now to emerge from this coccoon and spread my wings and fly. I need to fly. I need to be free and fly and soar and be. I need to do this. I need to begin again and that means leaving all of this mundane mediocre bs alone. Getting rid of the nouns in my life that aren't worth my time. Getting rid of the doubts in my own mind that try their hardest to hold me back. I've come such a long way just to get stuck in this so I am stepping into my freedom. Stepping into the newness that I have created, and stepping away from everything that I have let go of from the past. It's been almost a year since I made the decision to love me and grow into the me that I was meant to be. I am free now...

Until the next song plays...

Monday, May 18, 2009

My Life Would Suck Without You

"'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you"
-Kelly Clarkson

What is love? I mean honestly? Is it really all this extra butterflies and bells and whistles? Does it really mean you go gaga over someone and are blind to their imperfections? Well I use to believe in all of the above and ooooo so much more, but now I'm past all of these societal, socialized, definitions of love and I have morphed into Ms. Webster and decided to define my love for myself. I need to do this because I'm at a very critical point in my life. I refuse to let myself be hurt by this crap again.

I have listened to this song over and over and over and it got me to thinking... This is what real love is about. Love is recognizing that a person has made your life better so much so that their absence would cause great anguish. I like this definition. I like the realness of not only knowing yourself, but knowing the other person to the point that you understand but are willing to admit that your life is better with them in it.

I think that if I would have accepted this definition earlier in my life, I would never had to resort to Secrets. I would have understood that it's not about all this extra crap. It's not about a boo just for boo sake. It all comes down to, "an equal beneficial arrangement" to quote Mr. Soulchild. And that my friends is what I want. I think maybe I've found it but never looked at it this way I thought it was too simple. But the simplicity is what makes this sooo beautiful. I need my best friend. I love my phone calls from him in the middle of the night, I enjoy the inside jokes that we share, I most of all relish in the fact that for 10 years we have known and grown and loved each other. I can honestly say, my life would suck without him. So... yeah insert ephiany sound here...

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Water Runs Dry

"why do we hurt each other?
why do we push love away?"
-Boyz II Men

I know I haven't been the best blogger. I know I've been gone for a while and haven't been keeping you updated on what the haps are on this soundtrack and I'm sorry. To be quite honest I have been kind of on a long walk alone. By my lonesome. I've been taking a lot of time to think and reevaluate everything in my life. And people have noticed; it's funny just a couple months ago I was so into the idea of spending time with friends and family and new friends that I was not in the least bit concerned about taking time out for myself. And the very same people that I tried so hard to offer myself and my time to, seemingly pushed it away, yet now when I have the notion to be by my dammie, all of the sudden everyone seems to feel pushed away, shut out etc.

Where the hell were these people when my life was in social crisis??? O well you know I just chaulk it up to not missing the water til the well runs dry...

I'm attempting to balance things out now. I want to be there for my friends and loved ones but... I also want to take care of myself and that means appreciating my own water. The life-giving power that is within me is only to be sustained and replenished by me taking time to take care of me. So now I come first, and if that means some people don't get called everyday, so be it. And if it also means that maybe just maybe social butterfly Jazz just doesn't want to be bothered when you feel that she should... my only answer is to get over it!

I have come to understand that people in general, well most people, look out for themselves first. This is cool and expected, but I previously was not one of these people. I used to bend over backwards and try to accomodate those around me until I noticed that those around me were not doing this in return. I don't blame them I blame myself. No one should come before me in my life. The thing I am a little peeved about tho is the fact that now because I am putting me first, people accuse me of being distant, or hermit-like. Again I have to say... they'll get over it. My friends, family, and other loved ones are just gonna have to understand that the day has come when I am my own priority. So hopefully we after reading this blog some of them will gain some clarity on my recent relclusion and they will begin to be more appreciative of the well...

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Beautiful Suprise

"Whatever it is that you came to teach me I am here to learn it
cuz I believe that we are written in the stars
and I don't know what the future holds but I'm living in the moment
and I'm thankful for the man that you are..."

First let me apologize for the temper tantrum that I left you with. Life has really been playing me, well I guess more like teaching me. Teaching me about myself, teaching me about others, teaching me about patience, teaching me about love. See the last time I posted I was in utter depression/devastation and all because what I wanted to be happening was not happening. Well after living and waiting and healing and reflecting, I realize that it didn't mean that it would never happen. It simply meant, "Jazz chill the hell out!"

Needless to say I'm in a much better place right now. No longer bitter, angry, and ready to give up. And as most of you probably predicted love and I have reconciled and I am once again a humble servant to my deity. I hate to have to eat my words but the truth of the matter is I was at a standstill, a crossroads of sorts that is now being revealed to me had nothing to do with me. Yes I was in "like" with a boy who seemingly did not feel the same way. But his actions or reactions had less to do with me and more to do with him. And not only that but I have a big problem with patience and growth. That sounds bad but I guess a better way to put it is to say that I want what I want when I want it. Not possible all the time, not even possible most of the time.

So there I was giving up on love and resolving to give up on a budding friendship that was great. Sometimes I can be so short-sighted. Fortunately, my bark was a lot bigger than my bite and I realized that I shouldn't give up. Now almost a month later I am in one of the BEST friendships of my life with one of the most awesome guys I've ever met. Will there ever be a love connection? Who knows... but I am content in knowing that there is above all else a genuine love and appreciation for each other, a special bond that connects us and I'm grateful for that. He was sent to me for a reason and whatever it is I am listening, learning, loving... This living in the moment stuff is hard but soo fulfilling...

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Let It Flow

"First thing Monday morning, I'm gonna pack my tears away..."
-Toni Braxton

I'm hurt. I'm utterly devastated. And the thing about it is, I'm not even afraid to say so. Since it happened last night, I have felt on the brink of tears. All day I have been listening to sad love songs. Secrets has been found, dusted off, and on repeat. Here I am yet again in the same damn situation. I'm so sick and fuckin tired of being sick and tired. This hopeless romantic shit is for the birds. I'm angry at love and life and everyone and everything. I deserve better than this. I'm entitled to at least a fair chance at this thing. But no. Not for me. All I get is disappointment and the feeling that love is playing games with me to get it's fuckin jollies. I'm sad, disappointed, mad, angry, distraught and even worse... at the point of giving up.

Love is not supposed to be this hard! Where is my reward for giving my all? My consolation for believing completely and utterly in love? Is this how love treats it's most dedicated servant? After everything we've been through, after I lost hope in everything else in life but still clung to my hope in you? All this only to be brutally rebuffed by the only thing I thought I could trust to be honest and true?

I'm finished. Well not yet. I will morn this for a bit. I will grieve not only the situation, but the conclusion it's brought me to. I will grieve for love. I will grieve for feelings in general. I will grieve because after disappointments like this time after time, a part of me has died on the inside. I never asked for much but I guess it still isn't for me. I just don't wanna try anymore. I bow out.

Monday morning... I'm breaking up with love.

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

If Only You Knew

"I must have rehearsed my lines a thousand times,
Until I had them memorized.
But when I get up the nerve to tell you,
the words that never seem to come out right..."
-Patti Labelle

Ok we're back to the crush. I have tried. I have tried and tried to be cool, and to just sit back and relax. It's not working people! I even took some time to be away from the whole situation and pretend that I was not so totally into this youong man, but that only worked for as long as I didn't have to look into his gorgeous eyes. The moment that I saw him, hugged him, talked on the phone til midnight to him, I again became putty. Ugh! I am supposed to be stronger than this.

So now, I am at the point of either A) choosing to continue on in this maddness until I either pop, or he decides to say something to me. Or... B) I can muster up the courage to have "the talk" with him. This talk would be comepletely mortifying for me. You know how in your mind the whole scenario goes great, and wonderful and it's all carebears and rainbows? but in reality it could possibly go horribly. My scenario is so perfect in my head that I don't think it's even possible for reality to measure up. I have no idea really what I should do. All I do know is that I have developed these feelings and I have absolutely no clue what to do with them. I mean do I want a boyfriend? Is he able to even give me that if I do want it? Even if he doesn't want the same things as me could we still maintain our awesome friendship? So so so many questions...

I just wish instead of actually talking to him, I could just offer this information through osmosis or something like that... I know that is silly but seriously! I know what I need to do. I know what I want, and I know that I have to be intentional in my own life. All this time I've been waiting on something and I haven't been honest with myself about why I even want that. I mean why does it mean so much to me that he make the first move? Or what does that have to do with anything? What does making the first move mean anyway? He is the one that initiated the friendship... I dunno I probably sound like a bumbling idiot right now.
This would be so much easier if I didn't have to tell him and he just knew...

Until the next song plays...

Summer Rain

"So go ahead and make it rain
You bring the sunshine back again
So go ahead and make it rain
Your tender touches wash away my rain"
-Carl Thomas

Today was one of the first days that I didn't mind the rain outside. Usually I hate the rain. Usually it's very gloomy, and it makes me feel grumpy. Not today... Today I am fine with the rain. I'm ok with the rain because I have a sunshine in my soul...

Until the next song plays...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Find Me A Man

"I know what I'm lookin for and I know
He's gotta be wonderful, cause I know
I am too beautiful, to settle for nothin less..."
-Toni Braxton

Single-dom, solitude, loneliness. I'm at the breaking point. I'm irritated that I have taken this time to be alone just to be banished to loneliness. The truth of the matter is, I want to be in a relationship. I want to be on the path to love and marriage. I recognize that men just don't fall out of the sky, but I just don't see myself as the type to go on a manhunt, litterally. At this point in my life I have come to a good place. I am in a place that allows me to be in the mindset to accept love when it comes my way. On the other hand I am not in a place that makes me feel the need to go on a search. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm unrealistic. Or maybe I'm just a girl, that doesn't like the thought of being alone, and wants the fairytale.

What's wrong with wanting my fairytale? Especially when I hear about other people getting theirs day in and day out. What's wrong with wanting to be swept off my feet? What's wrong with wanting to be found instead of always being on the search? What's wrong with me?

I love this Toni Braxton song (yes I know it's on the Secrets cd, but life has taken me there) because she's making a very clear declaration, she wants a man that posesses these qualities. She wants this man to be sensitive and sweet and respectful and wonderful. In that "search" she's also making it clear that she's not willing to compromise her standards in order to find "just any guy". Toni, I hear you. I hear you more than ever. And in my "search" I'm not willing to be the one on the expedition. I want him to "find" me. Hey, "I'm too beautiful to settle for nothin less" too... So I guess the question is, how do you really find someone to find you? I dunno but, I'm searching...

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I Choose

"I was always too concerned about what everybody would think
But I can't live for everybody I gotta live my life for me..."
-India Arie

I cried today at work. I broke down and wept. I haven't cried in a long time. Well not about work. I usually cry from being lonely, or because of my anger, but today I cried because I felt powerless. My job has become really stressful. I have been on this journery of professional development and I have been growing and learning and trying to be a better me. In all of this trying and learning and growing I have lost myself. I have forgotten what I am and what I have set out to do. I have become so caught up in trying to impress and appease someone that refuses to acknowledge my effort; that I have not taken the time to acknowledge me. I am probably what people call a type A personality. I am used to excelling in everything that I do with a minimal energy exertion. And all of my life I have done quite well. In school I have been the teacher's pet, in jobs I have been the employee on the fast track, in the world I have been the center of attention. But this job, this leadership development, entry level position in a non-profit; well I just haven't been the one to watch. The funny part about it though is that I have worked harder at this than I have worked in a long time. I have put so much effort and perserverance in trying to be recognized by those around me that I have given up my power. I have been silenced, lost motivation, and essentially tried to fit into someone else's idea of what I should be. What the hell is wrong with me?

This is not me. This is not who I am. I choose. I have choosen all my life and that doesn't change just because of entry level non-profit america. The very fact that I have put 200% into my work when usually I only have to use 75, the very fact that I have grown as a person, as an employee, as Jasmine is enough to prove to anybody that I have accomplished much. So today in my tears I have made up my mind. I can't ever allow someone to make me give my power ever again. I am so wonderful and beautiful and vibrant because of my voice, and my power, and my spirit and no everyone may not be able to enjoy and appreciate it but I MUST! And I do, and I will.

I choose to be me and love it... Even if no one else will.

Until the next song plays...

Friday, March 13, 2009

Get It Together

"One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your friends"
-India Arie

So the past couple of weeks have been pretty hectic. Work, life, motherhood, everything has been just a little bit much so I have been STRESSED! In my times of uberstress there is usually one thing or group of people that I turn to; my friends. My girls are usually the ones that hold me down, make me laugh, and help me to relieve stress. Not this week. This week, one day in particular, I was on the edge. I was at the breaking point and one of my friends... Man they took me there. See this friend of mine I notice has not fully grown out of the "selfish" phase that we all go through in our lives. Well at least not when it comes to me. Sometimes I feel that they see me as their "fix-it" person. Anyway, on this particular day I just needed my friend to not put any pressure on me, not ask me for anything, and say something funny. That's not what happened. In fact, this person actually caused me to be more stressed than before, so I got angry. I got short tempered, I got grumpy, I got moody. Honestly, I got my feelings hurt. Especially since I feel as though I'm always there for them when they need it. All I wanted was a little reciprocity.

Everytime this happens, which is beginning to be more often than not, I start reevaluating my friendships. I start looking at the reasons I'm friends with my friends and I start to look for evidence of exchange.

Friendship means a lot to me. Most of my friends have been my friends for quite some time and even those that haven't I feel that we have the kind of connection that will last for years. I try very hard to be a good friend but sometimes in my attempt to be the "best" friend, I'm thinking maybe I set myself up for situations like this. I need to stop. I need to start being realistic about what friendship is and what it is not. It is not necessary for me to be everything to all of my friends. Especially to the point where it's my every-thing to their some-thing, or no-thing. I have to create my friendship boundaries and not offer more of myself than I can give. I think this will also help manage my expectations for their behavior and reciprocation. Basically I want to own my 20%.

So the next time my friend wants me to move the mountains for them, I need to pause look at the situation and first think; are there any mountains in my way?

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


"Sometime the rain it makes me sad and it's alright
Some things in the world make me mad and it's alright
In the morning when I see the sun I know I'm not the only one
It's alright..."

I live in the world of black and white. I am trying to work on that. I am trying to understand the life of living in the gray. Trying to come out of the idea of extremes in life, I mean for once I want to be able to just be alright with some things. The funny part is that it's not anything in particular that I'm currently speaking of, I just kinda feel like my life currently is forcing me into this world of "grey". And to be quite honest I am freaking out! On the other hand I am starting to get used to it. I am starting to feel content in me and life even though things aren't perfect or the way I may want them to be.

Yesterday I had such a good day. Nothing extreme, I mean I didn't win the lottery, I didn't find the man of my dreams, I didn't get the perfect job, it was just a good day. I loved it! I loved feeling good just because the sun was out and I was in the land of the living. I loved feeling confident that there were people that loved me, and I especially loved that I didn't need anything or anybody to do anything special. I just felt good and everything was alright!

Wow... I'm growing. Growing into the woman I want to be, the person I need to be, the life I hope to live. I can finally see and experience what it looks like to be alright. To be ok and good in whatever situation. Not in a unrealistic, overly optimistic way that means you never have bad days or rain. Not like that at all, but this... this feeling is more along the lines of real contenment. Contentment in knowing, loving, being who you are and feeling confident in that.

Everything is everything and it's alright!

Until the next sing plays...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Slow Down

"Slow down baby, you're movin too fast
You got your hands in the air with your feet on the gas
You're 'bout to wreck your future running from your past
You need to slow down"
-India Arie

Yeah... I was all excited about the last post. You know crushes can be so fun especially in the new phase. But I was totally jumping the gun. I started thinking about it like, "did I really just write a blog proclaiming my newfound "like" for someone?" Bad idea. Especially when it is very possible that said person could read the damn thing. See this is usually what happens and I am trying to start fresh. Usually I get all excited when I like someone and I have to tell them everything and it either gets awkward or I become the pursuer. Well at this point in time I am starting fresh, for once in my life I want to be pursued. I want to take things slow. And most of all I want to build a love out of a friendship instead of jumping into romance.

I need to slow down. I need to let it happen. I need to focus on the present and bask in the newness of friendship. All I can say is that this is a learning experience for me. I get so excited about things and I just honestly don't want to extinguish the fire before it even ignites...

Most of all I don't want to let the mistakes of my past negatively affect the decisions of my future. So hopefully I haven't a) scared off the poor man b) caused said crush to think I am crushing on someone else or c) made a complete ass of myself. I'd be willing to bet that option c is a definite yes, but hopefully I can continue on this journey and do better next time.

From this point on I'm slowing down and pumping the brakes. Thanks India.

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


"If you just realize what I've just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized..."
-Colbie Caillat

So for the first time in my life... well for the first time in a long time, I have a crush. Yeah yeah I know I'm too old for this stuff. But see I can't help it. This guy, well honestly he's just new and wonderful and intelligent and completely different than any other guy I've ever liked. I've met guys like him before and I kind of brushed them aside and banished them to the "friend" category because they just "weren't my type". Not now though. Not after I have had my time to realize...

I'm so thankful for the time I had to myself, for the reflection I've done, for the introspection that was necessary to bring me to this place. The place where I can appreciate what a healthy relationship looks like. The place where I can place a real value on a person that is continually showing me that in building a friendship and beyond accountability is welcomed. The place where I can feel that even if nothing ever comes of this above all else I know I'm on the right track in terms of my standards.

I'm so grateful that I took the time to realize more about myself, and more about what I wanted so I can now look at my options and say with confidence that I know what I want.... And hopefully he'll just realize and I'll get it... But he'll have to meet me halfway cuz I refuse to spell it out for him. It may take time but thats ok like I said before I'm ready.

Until the next song plays...

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Why Does It Hurst So Bad?

"Why does it hurst so bad?
Why do I feel so sad?"
-Whitney Houston

In light of the recent events my soundtrack has led me to a love song that is one of my favorites. This song on the "Waiting to Exhale" soundtrack is one that speaks of being sad after leaving a love that you know in your heart is no good for you. Let me just say story of my life. But after being forcefully exposed to the current domestic abuse drama that babies Rihanna and Chris Brown have found themselves in, this song just jumped out at me.

First of all let me say that this situation is completely out of control. Accusations, press releases, family statements, tabloid stories and covers, celebrities weighing in on the red carpet, and the pise de resistance... The official police evidence picture of Rihanna post incident was actually leaked to a tabloid website. As a human I am disgusted and as a woman I am appalled. First of all this is a private situation that has taken place and been exploited by the media all for the love of money. This is shameful. Not only is it shameful that all of this is being played out publicly with people taking their sides and rallying behind one side or the other, but people all over this country and dare I say the world, are missing the point and making this into a debate much like the ones in the recent election.

This tragedy is multifacted and above all else personal. These two people are both in the midst of making life changing decisions and facing demons that are not easy to tackle. I am just outraged that people seem to be oblvious to this fact. Even members of their families have had the audacity to come out and give interviews on the situation to tabloid television shows. This in my opinon shows the temperature of our society when it comes to this thing we call domestic violence. There is no real sympathy, emapthy, sorrow, disgust, or even understanding. We as a community haven't realized that abuse is a tragic thing not only for the abused but the abuser as well. Having been in an abusive relationship myself I can recognize the shame, embarassment, pain, and self-loathing that comes from being in that. My heart goes out to both of them and I pray and hope that above all else the both of them get the help they need and find the place of love and completeness from within.

Please give them their privacy and space to hurt, and grieve, and heal; to think, and reflect, and ask why it hurts so bad...

Until the next song plays...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Funny Valentine

"My funny Valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart"
-Ella Fitzgerald

So today is Valentine's Day. I am single on Valentine's Day. The "but" that goes here is the fact that I'm not bitter. I'm not huddled in my bed in the fetal position, listening to Toni Braxton, depressed. I am smiling today. I am happy today. I am laughing today. My heart is smiling today. I am focused on the love I have within for myself, my family and everyone else around me. I am content and I am proud of myself for this milestone.

Until the next song plays...

Friday, February 13, 2009


"By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend
That it somehow lingered on..."
-John Mayer

Friday the 13th and Valentine's Day Eve. Today was supposed to be, in single Jasmine's mind, a bad day. A very, bad day. A no good, horrible, rotten, complain about the couples, turn off the radio because of the love songs, prepare myself for Toni Braxton's Secrects album and wallowing in the fetal position tomorrow kind of day. But you know what? It wasn't that kind of day at all.

Today I had so much on my mind, I had to prepare a session of community building for the program that I'm in and I looked love in the face today and smiled. I gathered 11 of my program participants together and cooked for them, decorated for them, made a mix cd of love songs for them, and basically dated them for our session.
At first I did not want to think about V-day because of my current situation. I just wanted the calendar to skip from February 13th to February 15th. I mean Valentine's Day wasn't gonna mean anything to me. But that attitude was only gonna last so long. Why? Because I'm a hopeless romantic. I freakin love valentine's day! Everything about it says Jasmine. So instead of running from it I decided to run right into it. I decided to focus my love in a way that was not romantic. I mean the magic V-day rules booklet never said it had to be about romantic love only. So anyway I got my group together and did for them what I might have done for my SO if I had one. And magically, well unexpectedly, it felt damn good! It felt good to express my love in other forms. So insert a-ha! moment here...

I have found that I can get just as much joy from non-romantic love that I can from the romantic kind. This is all new to me. Well let me rephrase that. All my life I have viewed love as different things for different people or relationships. So the family love is cozy, feel good love. The friend love is that ride or die love. The mother-child love is that die for you love. But the butterflies in the stomach, silly, goofy, excited love well that was reserved for the mate. I mean I know I'm not the only one that had the understood call-waiting hierarchy in high-school.
Well today I reject that school of thought! I know that love is multi-faceted, that is one of the greatest thing about love. But for me, from this point on, I will view love as just love. No special nametag or set of special accessories depending on the who or whom. I just want my love to be just as intense, just as pure, just as exciting regardless of the situation. This frees me to be the best lover I can be and it doesn't create a ingenuine love for those that I love.

So this Valentine's Day I will not be looking at the lack of the romantic love in my life as a deficit, I will see this day as a very special day for me to concentrate on perfecting my love to ALL of my loved ones. I want everyone I love to know how much I love and appreciate them and that I will vow (to try) to spend the rest of this year thankful for their presence and not bitter for the abscence of romantic companionship.

I'm glad this moment of clarity is lingering on.

Until the next song plays...

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Underneath It All

"There's times where
I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete"
-No Doubt

Ok so if you haven't already noticed I am focusing a lot on love since we're in the month of lovers. Reading these lyrics makes me think of how much I've learned over these past 7 months. My quest through single-dom has lead me to create above all else a standard that seemed to be non-existent in my past love life. I was previously void of knowing exactly what or who I really wanted. I was honestly just in love with love; or what I thought was love anyway. I didn't know myself and more importantly I didn't love myself.

Looking at the past used to make me feel so many things. Shame, guilt, regret, anger, embarassment, basically every horrible feeling that you could think of. I held on to so much of that because I was so busy blaming myself for the bad things I didn't at the time think to take a step back and learn from everything. And so I went, from bad relationship to bad relationship, from bum to abuser, to womanizer. Never learning really just hurting, and wishing that I could find more. Then one day I realized, with the help of many different people, that something was missing. My love life was missing something very important and so was I. See I expected to find this knight in shining armor, this perfect mate that had his shit together but the truth was I didn't have my shit together. In the words of India Arie, "If you want a butterfly, you gotta be a butterfly..." and I realized... I didn't have standards for myself so how could I have standards for my love life.

So here I am 7 months later... I am not professing perfection. I still have some insecuritites and as I have said in previous posts self-love is a journey not a destination but I feel better. I feel more whole than I did before. I finally have those standards, for myself most of all and then not just for men that I date but for the relationships that I may have in the future. I now am aware of what I want, what I deserve, what is acceptable. So now I can with confidence say, "I want something more, someone more like me..." Someone that is on this journey of love and self-awareness. I want my butterfly...

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Ready for Love

"I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace"
-India Arie

To be ready for somthing is defined as being, "completely prepared or in fit condition for immediate action". This is an interesting definititon to me especially when related to being ready for love.

This blog has been a very personal account of my thoughts and feelings thus far so I don't see any reason to hold back now. This song that has seemingly crept its way into my soul has actually forced me to really think about the words. Not just the music that, if you have ever heard this song, slowly lulls you into a reflective trance but the actual words. What exactly is my girl India trying to say to me? Well after much time listening, singing, thinking, and personal reflection, I think I may finally understand. I believe very strongly that love is a journey, a deity, an action, an emotion, a reaction, even a declaration. Love is all of these things. Love is something that none of us will ever completely figure out. Love is also, depending on what it may be at that time, something that we must prepare ourselves for if we are looking for it's full power.

Love is such a force. Real, pure, unadulterated love is a force that cannot be contained, cannot be silenced, cannot be manufactured. This love is the source of freedom for the soul, nourishment for the spirit, wholeness for the lover. To answer those of you wondering, I am not speaking of any specific love. Not talking about a man, woman or child, just sharing my revelation. For a long time I was caught up in defining love in all of its forms but just recently am I realizing that love cannot be defined.

For me recognizing that this powerful, relevent force can't be defined along with recognizing that in order for me to experience all that it is and has to offer I must submit myself and prepare myself. In another part of this song she states, "If you'll take me in your hands I will learn what you teach..." I have spent so much time lately learning from love, learning to love, learning about love, and even learning how to be loved.

In a roundabout way I am saying all of this to say that I too am ready; completely prepared; in fit condition for immediate action; for LOVE. And all it has to give, and teach, and reveal. I am ready to love myself, my son, my family, my friends, my world, my life, my solitude, my ups, my downs, my everything. I'm ready to immerse myself in what love has for my future... Ready... Finally...

Until the next song plays...

Monday, January 26, 2009


"I'm staring at you while you sleep, irreplaceable beauty
put my face up in your neck and breathe
take you into my senses, wake up it's time to finish
round two, it's round two, matter of fact, it's closer to three"
-J. Holiday

Man this song... I mean everytime it comes on I am hypnotized by it. I saw him perform this song in concert and truly I felt like he was singing this only to me. I know I've said before how I need to stop listening to love songs... But I mean does this really count? I mean this is not really a love song. Its not really talking about being in love. The man singing this is not focusing on how he wants to marry this woman and build a life with her. He definitely seems like he likes this girl a whole lot but he is in the moment of his lust.

What I'm learning from this song and other songs like it, is that it's ok to just be in the moment. Not everything is true love, marriage, life-long, or permanent. Somtimes it is ok to just be in the moment. Even if that moment is lust. This is a huge realization for me. I am so caught up in defining everything. My world is very black and white. Love or hate. In or out. This or that. But as a friend of mine told me recently, "it's time to come into the gray". So I'm learning to live in the gray. And to be honest I like this gray stuff.

I enjoy having the freedom to let things be and live in the moment. I have been socialized, I believe because I'm a woman, to need things mostly relationships to be well defined. First comes love then comes marriage etc. etc. Nothing is wrong with that, but it is necessary to understand that this is not always the case and it doesn't have to be the case. This goes not only for relationships, it's applicable to so much more. I think we as a society have such a problem with just letting things be, we must have them fit into our ready-made boxes and the truth is life just doesn't work out that way all the time. People aren't only black or white, rich or poor, gay or straight, tall or short. Life is just life and people are just people. So just let stuff be... It actually makes life a little easier and we can all benefit from that.

So the next time I'm listening to J. holiday sing to me about how bad he wants to put me to bed, I won't have to think about the wedding that came before in order to be in the moment with him. I can fully exist in the space where it's just he and I and his breath on my neck and well allow it... Now of course in reality it's not J. Holiday and we're not going to bed but hey it could happen...

Until the next song plays...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Change Gon Come

"It's been a long long time coming
But I know a change gon come
O yes it will..."
-Sam Cooke

1/20/09... The day is finally here. The time has come and change has arrived. This date most famously is marked by the dawning of the new era in American government, the inauguration of the 44th President of the United States of America. The first black president. Wow, few thought that this day would ever happen let alone that they would live to see the day. But today for me is not only about what's going on at the Capitol. Today for me marks the ushering in of a new life 24 years ago. Yes my birthday, the day that I celebrate the beginning of my life.

It's funny that there is so much hoopla surrounding this day. I mean there have been bumper stickers, commercials, websites, etc. all counting down to what has always been my birthday. To me it's quite symbolic. Mostly because the awful things that have been my life since this date 2008 I have very much been looking forward to my 24th year. Looking forward to being able to wipe the slate of bad intentions and even worse decisions clean. Looking forward to the hope of 24 and finally looking away from the peril that was 23. America is doing the same thing. We the people have come together since November 4th in a way that I never knew was possible. Everyone got together on one accord because they yearned for two things. Two things that over the past 8 years seemed all but lost. Two things that were scared out of us by the exiting administration, and deemed impossible by the skeptics. Those two things are HOPE and CHANGE.

How beautiful it was to watch the millions of people on the mall braving the cold, crowds, and organized chaos coming together singing songs, fellowshiping with one another, eager to begin again. 2009 as I have said before seems like the new beginning not only in my life but in the world. So many things tried to choke out the human spirit in 2008 and yet we as humans all over the world did not quietly go into the night but banded together in HOPE for CHANGE.

I'm overjoyed by the emotions of the day and the parallels that are being revealed to me. Forever will this day be marked as the renaissance of not only the American people and their faith in their country but for me it will also mark the official rebirth of me. It has been a long time coming but finally I can see that it will come, is coming, and will be embraced.

Until the next song plays...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

"But deep in my heart
the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind
to find my own destiny"
-Lauryn Hill

Wow this new year has been so good for me. I have boldly set out to make this one of the best years of my life. That being said I am also about to embark on yet another Jasmine year. Yes the anniversary of my birth is just around the corner which means the beginning of my 24th year. I'm excited. Excited because this year is my year of intention. This year in my life I vow to live my life to the fullest and not in the cliche sense but in the sense of doing things, and making moves. Too many times in the past I have sat through 365 days of reactive life. Waiting for things to happen, looking for change, wishing for difference. Not this year.

For the first time in a long time I am so content in me. This is big for me. I am feeling comfortable in my own skin and loving the person I am and becoming. It's actually kind of a weird feeling. I mean after so much time of being insecure and not fully loving me I feel like at this very moment I am finally free. I notice even the small changes like the way I have come to appreciate my "me" time. I say all of this not to write an ongoing love letter to myself; which actually is not a bad thought; but to show how I decided one day that enough was enough. Once I did this and actively started working on loving me, here I am stronger and more whole. So I must apply this to the rest of my life. I believe I have. I am becoming more intentional about the relationships I have in my life. Intentional about the goals I am setting for myself, intentional about my parenting skills, and most of all I am trying to be intentional about the words that come out of my mouth.

I saw this quote today, "Watch your thoughts; they become your words. Watch your words; they become your actions. Watch your actions; they become your habits. Watch your habits; they become your character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
This really spoke to me. This quote is exactly why I know I must never tire on my quest to be intentional because controlling your thoughts and being completely intentional about everything in your life is controlling your destiny. Only you have the power to control your destiny. So in life my goal is to be present, to be courageous, to be confident, and most of all to be intentional.

Until the next song plays...

Friday, January 9, 2009

Wings of Forgivenness

"I took a swim in the sea of guilt and misery
To find myself in an island in the middle of nowhere
In my solitude I asked to know the highest truth
And what I was told Is to thine own self be true"
-India Arie

Forgiving others begins with forgivenness of self first. I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately, for many different reasons and I have been really trying to work through it all. I've been on a retreat for the past three days and I have had a wonderful chance to reflect on things that have been happening. Being out in the cold and with a group of people that I was not feeling close to was not something that I was looking forward to. I had made up in my mind that the relationships I had were enough and that there was nowhere left for me to go as far as community building.

Funny how lately I've been wrong a lot.

During this retreat something was different. People were feeling the same way I was feeling. I wasn't the only one tired of "playing community". I wasn't the only one that came into this experience searching for something and now almost six months later still feeling like somthing was missing.

That felt good. It felt good to hear that I was not alone in this and that my feelings were actually valid. On the flip side of that though I was amazed at the small number of people that had such apathy. In listening to them speak and hear their feelings vocalized I began to think about apathy. I began to ponder the idea of apathy and what it means.

We took a nature walk. During this walk we were silent and we were supposed to let nature speak to us. This was hard for me. Silence is hard for me because as an extrovert if I can't say something... then it isn't real to me. I was as silent as I could be. As I walked I started hearing in my spirit "Conscious apathy will never evoke beauty". Wow. This was so powerful to me. See here I was in this "community" constantly being the squeaky wheel, constantly being the one to call my group out, constantly asking for what I wanted. And I felt resentment from my group for this, I felt like people just wanted me to shut up. I felt like people wanted me to turn my being intentional into apathy. They wanted this I felt because my apathy would relieve their accountability.

Apathy is not in me. Being the emotional person that I am I feel somthing about EVERYTHING! It's me and it's ok. And I must be true to me. I must be true to me.

At the end of this retreat I felt different. I felt good. Good abut the people, good about the time, good about myself. I fought for what I wanted and it's coming. Slowly but surely we are building something. Whatever it is it's worth fighting for.

Until the next song plays...

Monday, January 5, 2009

But Beautiful

"Love is funny, or its sad
Or its quiet, or its mad
Its a good thing, or its bad
But beautiful...
Beautiful to take a chance
And if you fall, you fall
And Im thinking I wouldnt mind at all

Love is tearful, or its gay
Its a problem, or its play
Its a heartache either way
But beautiful...
And Im thinking, if you were mine Id never let you go
And that would be but beautiful I know"
-Nat King Cole

I want it so bad I can taste it.
So bad I want to hold it in my hand and never let it go.
I want a love for me, a love so free and clear and pure and precious and mine.
I want the physical, the mental, and emotional.
I want the you, the me, the we, the us.
I must have it.
I must have it to breathe, to live, to exist, to love...love.

My sould yearns for more.
More of love.
More of you though I don't even know who you are.
I know who you are not.
You are not boastful or selfish.
You're not loud and you don't envy me.
You just love.

And we.
We could be us.
And us could be beautiful.
Beautiful like a sunset, or a rainstorm.
We could live and love unselfishly, unapologetically, unknowingly imperfect.
Beautiful imperfection.
You and me we us love.

What I once was no longer am I.
And that's why I know you are there.
I am ready for love.
Ready for the us of love.
Ready for the lust of love.
And ready for the real unadulterated love of love.

Until the next song plays...

All I Could Do Was Cry

"I heard church bells ringing
I heard a choir singing
I saw my love walk down the aisle
On her finger he placed a ring..."
-Etta James

This post won't be a long one. I think the song is self explanatory. I've only loved three men in my life. One based on the physical, one because I couldn't love myself, and the other... well I'll just say that when I look back on it that love was the closest I've ever been to the real thing. Now that love has come and gone and others have done the same but I grieve because the real thing hasn't happened for me yet.

Day after day I am in some way reminded of what I once had and that I no longer have that. So now I sit here thinking about him, thinking about me, thinking about what once was and wondering if it will ever be again.

Then I look at my love life in the present and realize the non-existence is starting to get to me. I'm allowing myself to be caught up in stupid flirtatious games with men that I know are not it. I'm proud to say I recognize it for what it is and I don't put much stock in it but I can't help to wonder when? When will my solitude end? When will it happen for me? When will my prince come and when will the bells ring for me?

A melancholy post I know but... My ex is getting married this weekend... even though I may not necessarily want to be with him... Right now... All I can do is cry...

Until the next song plays...