Say

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say
- John Mayer "Say"
I've always been told that I have a big mouth. I was raised by very strong minded, strong willed, quick tongued black women that taught me the importance of expressing myself. So I grew up to be a lot like these women. In essence I talk too much. So knowing this and being in a state of constantly wanting to make me a better me, I am attempting to be more intentional about not only what I say but also how and when I say those things. See I realize that in many cases in the past my mouth as my grandma would say got me into a lot of trouble. I also understand that knowing what to say when is a sign of maturity and can take you a long way in life. Because verbal communication is so important in our society it is necessary to not only concern yourself with the way you speak but also how you are spoken to.
My current dilema is this... I believe that there are things that need to be said between myself and some people that just aren't being said. It's kinda like an unspoken resentment. Something that I'm finding out about myself is that I have a way of rubbing people the wrong way without even realizing it. When I was younger I figured that it was because I just spoke and let whatever fly out of my mouth. I also was not the best people person. I was opinionated, overbearing, and close-minded. But I'm grown now. I have worked soooo hard to do better, and to be better. I have gotten to the point where I have grown to be more open-minded and to evaluate my thoughts before they become my words. So why isn't this working? Why? There is a group of people that I haven't been able to get through to. A community if you will of people that for some reason have counted me out. I can honestly say I've tried with my words and actions to build relationships and form a closer bond. For months I've tried and have gotten nothing. Well nothing more than politeness, which normally I might be okay with. My brother asked me the other day how I would respond if someone flat out told me they didn't like me. He asked if I could deal with not being liked for no other reason than someone just chooses not to like me. I know the point he was getting at. I am very much a feeler like I have said in previous posts. As a feeler I need those words. I need those explanations. I need someone to say what they feel. The question is why? Why do I need an explanation? In reality it shouldn't matter. I am a wonderful, strong, intelligent black woman. Not everyone is going to like me and that's ok. I have to like me though. I have to be comfortable being in situations where I'm loved by the masses and I must be comfortable being in situations where I am dispised. It comes from within and no amount of words from them or me is going to make it better. This is something that I slowly but surely must address but the first step is acknowledgement. So today I will acknowledge that not being apart of that particular community hurts. It hurts to know that no matter how hard I try some people will just choose not to like me. I am made content however by the reality that their choice is not an indictment on me. I am still a strong, wonderful, beautiful, feeling, loving, talking, growing, learning, intelligent black woman. That's me. That's ok. That's enough. Yeah... That's what needed to be said.

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz