"Not afraid because the seasons have changed I'm gonna count my blessings and just follow the sun..." - Angie Stone "No More Rain"
Thanksgiving season has so many meanings and memories attached to it for me... Its a time for family and reflection, it is also a time when 2 years ago (to loosely quote Beyonce) he liked it so he put a ring on it... LOL I can remember how excited and actually validated I felt simply because my alcoholic boyfriend offered me the title of bride to be... As I refelct on the person I was then I see how very twisted my thought processes were. In no way am I saying being excited about engagement is twisted but for me it was... He was a guy that often verbally abused me and then emotionally was not a whole person himself... We were a trainwreck that rarely had a moments of bliss but most of those were merely moments of ecstacy... But he did it and then that was all I needed... I needed to feel that validation... needed to know somebody, anybody could think in their mind that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me...
After the engagement was called off, after the relationship ended began again and yes ended again. I was scared; scared to really be alone and let go of the security I had come to depend upon.. But in this security I realized I had only found bondage. I was a slave to the insecurities
that forced me to need someone or something that wasnt me... I didn't need that... I was forced to come face to face with who I really was and why being alone was so scary... Why I was counting on someone to keep me from being, knowing, loving, understanding and accepting the real me...
Well I'm not afraid anymore! I have used that fear as motivation and here I am 2 years later... 2 years wholer... 2 years removed from being a slave to the status quo...
No it hasn't been easy and there are times when I contemplate going back... There are those times when I wish I would have let him "put a ring on it"... But I won't let me return to the me I used to be... And that's love... Loving me for me...
So today thinking and reflecting led me to Angie... Yeah I'm counting my blessings and following the sun!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
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