Stronger

"Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger"
-Brittany Spears


Wow... from MJ to Brittany. Sorry folks but hear me out, this song simply puts it best.

My ex called me last night. As I looked at the number I never thought I'd see flash on my phone again, I heard the voice I never thought I'd hear greet me again, and heard the words that I never thought I would have heard him say... "I missed you, I've been thinking about you..." Insert screeching car wheel sounds here! I am still in utter shock. I mean this man... Well I'll just say I was in LOVE with this man. I literally craved this man at one point and after the horrible, break up we went through... I never thought we'd ever interact again. Sure I missed him, and sure I would from time to time have to remind myself of all the pain and suffering we went through in order to keep myself from picking up that phone, but I was convinced that as long as I didn't open Pandora's box that it would remain closed and that I was in control.

Yeah there goes that theory... I mean the thing is I was afraid of this very thing happening. I was afraid that if he was the one that came back, if he was the one that swallowed his pride and came back to reconcile that I would be powerless to his advances. I mean sure I've been on this journey and I'm growing and I'm exploring this life as a single lady (shout out to Beyonce!); but the loneliness that I was forced to endure... well at times it was unbearable. SO... I have to admit that when my phone rang last night I was a little scared of what I might say or do...

Well... all I can say is that I surprised my damn self! I mean I was calm, I was cordial, I was well, I was stronger. I didn;t have the urge to sit and reminisce about old times, I just sat and had a conversation with an old buddy. I guess all of this stuff about growth really does work. I was able to be the me I want to be. I was able to knwo that this was not the time to revert back to old ways, and I was finallt able to prove to myself that even though it may have felt like it, my loneliness does not have to kill me if I don't choose to let it. I have a choice in the matter. I have a standard that I'm choosing to uphold and I want to be who I say I am. So I am officially proud of myself. Now... does this mean that I have it all together? NO I'm not claiming perfection I never will but I will say that I've come a long way baby!


Until the next song plays...
-Jazz