Thursday, September 22, 2011

What's Love Got To DO With It?

"Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that"
-Tina Turner

Greetings loves! I am back seemingly for the first time at the place where I vowed to never return. You know this love thing really is for the damn birds.

As you can probably guess from the song title, I am back at odds with love because I really feel like I just can not win. I mean this time, this time it seemed so different. I felt like all the things I usually do wrong I did so right, and all of the things I was scared to do I jumped in head first. I loved this man completely, flaws and all. And at the same time I was able ti recognize that I didn't need him... not to define me or take care of me or even love me... I just wanted, chose, decided to love him.

Well it didn't do me any good. This man that spent most of his free time and beyond in my face, up under me, inviting me to share his life with him, his family, his ups and downs... I invested my time, my love, my complete self into this love and for what? For him to tell me that he sees me as a fuckin friend? ARE WE SERIOUS HERE? I would like to go on record for saying that men that use this friend son and dance to trick women into being there damn place holders are the WORST kind of vomit-like species alive. How can you out of your mouth say "I just really see you as a friend" when your actions show me, and the ENTIRE world the exact opposite? How can you call on me to share your highs and lows, and every other intricate detail of your life and simply call it being a friend? How can you gain my trust that you're "looking out for my best interest", "sharing my life" when in all actuality you watch as I play the fool... And for 3 years???

Three long years where I worked love like it was my job...

Where did I go wrong? How did I find myself BACK in this same damn situation, pissed, depressed, both over and underwhelmed, along with feeling completely used up and half-crazy? Why is it that I continue to sow love into a ground that seems to only be able to reap pain? From this point I have decided that for sure this person MUST be ejected from my life. I simply cannot continue in a friendship where I can't trust your words or actions, where I feel like you sought my demise for your own selfish gain, and in Sade's words he simply, "took my love..."
I'm done being friendly. I don't want and or need not another male "friend". Never again will I put myself in a situation where a man can pull the damn "bait and switch" on me. The current guy friends I have are cool. We have limited meaningful interactions that are reminiscent of a brother/sister bond. No confusion, no problems. But sleepovers, concerts with parents, sharing of finances, long walks in the park and long late night conversations??? HELL NO, NEVER AGAIN...

As you can tell, I'm upset (to say the least) I think I'm most of all flabbergasted that this shit is still going on... Those people in the world that say one thing and do another are the WORST kind of liars on earth. But I'm proud of myself for being honest, both with myself and my feelings. I am so much better to have ended that ruse of a friendship. Every ending is a new beginning right? SO now I begin again... A life that has NOTHING to do with love ( at least not the romantic type)

until the next song plays...


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