Thursday, November 10, 2011

Nobody's Supposed to Be Here

"This time I swear I'm through
But if only you knew
How many times I've said those words
Then fall again, when will I ever learn"

-Deborah Cox

I'm done.

I barely have the strength to type these words but I have to do it. I'm finally at the point where I'm not willing to try anymore. I'm not willing to put myself out there, showcase my fluency of all 5 love languages, flirt, none of it. I can't continue on this route with all of this unnecessary heart break, hurt, anger and resentment. I hate that it's come to this... again. I feel like I fall out with the idea of love constantly but I somehow always have the wherewithal to pick myself up, dust myself off and start again. Not this time. I'm tired. I'm emotionally and mentally tired of the game. The game of meet new person, get hopes up, get hopes crushed, repeat. I'm so disappointed, I'm so frustrated, I'm so over this. I would like to blame my former crush that had no idea that he was my crush, I'd like to blame my ex-best friend, I'd even like to blame my ex-fiance. I can't blame any of them. Those are the breaks you know. In the words of my son, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
It just hurts like hell. I sit here typing this crying, wishing that this was a different conclusion. I just don't understand why it can happen for everyone else and not for me. I want someone to explain it all to me.
I'm listening to this familiar song by Deborah Cox and it's funny because this song has more hope than I have. This song at least is speaking of a possibility that seems to show up when you thought there wasn't one but I don't even have that hope anymore. I just don't believe that it happens any more. It's kind of like the lottery. You see that people do indeed hit the lottery, you see what it takes to win the lottery, you may play the lottery, you may even have friends that hit the lottery, but you never find yourself in the position of hitting the lottery.
What I do love about this song is that she masterfully sets the mood by explaining the situation; how she has wholeheartedly searched for love and "again love has knocked me down" so that is why she places her heart under "lock and key".
In trying to vent to my friends about how I feel it's like they don't ever hear my heart. They don't feel the brokenness, they don't experience the pain. So they give me some bull shit song and dance about a fucking silver lining that I've yet to see. At this point I don't believe in a damn silver lining. Whether there is one or isn't one I just don't really fuckin give a shit anymore. It's not worth this. I'm just tired. I don't wanna do this anymore. I officially give up.
No matter what I do or don't do the result remains the same. So what is the use? What's the purpose of it all? It's not going to happen so why bother? Why continue to put myself out there and continue getting hurt whether intentionally or unintentionally? Why get my hopes up one more time for another "what if"? Why?

No, I'm gonna be content to enter my own reality where I don't have to deal with the lies, the games, the lack of clarity, the ulterior motives, the lack of reciprocity, the not saying what you mean, the being told how to feel or not feel, the whole thing. I'm done.

Love is clearly my enemy and I finally am willing to accept that.

"Ive tried that love thing for the last time.."

Until the next song plays...

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