Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Pieces of Me

"I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care

When I'm angry, you listen

Make me happy it's your mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast

When I hit that bottom
Crash, you're all I have"

-Ashley Simpson

So I was getting home late last night from an outing with friends and after I got ready for bed and finally laid down I had this crazy clarifying epiphany. I was laying there in my bed social networking and just letting my mind wander and it hit me...

I am high maintenance...

This is something I have been in denial about for a long time, rightfully so because "high maintenance" girls are NOT usually people that the world thinks highly of... I mean in a world/society where convenience is king who wants to deal with something or someone that requires anything more than the minimum effort, attention, maintenance? So for years I lied. To myself, to family, friends, possible love prospects, hell even (then) current beaus... I lied about what I was, I wanted so badly to not seem high maintenance. I wanted to pretend like I was easy going and nonchalant because those were qualities that I thought were acceptable but today is my official coming out... Coming out of the lie that I'm not high maintenance...

For the record I doubt this is a shock to anyone other than me, I mean especially my brother J. For years he has been telling me this only to be brutally rebuffed by me. But the truth is I am ok now with the fact that I require more than the minimum. I mean I require a lot of attention, I require affirmation, I require quality time, kindness, gentleness, the extra thought and the list goes on... I guess I no longer feel ashamed about this because these are the things I give to the people I love so why not require them in return? And especially thinking about the future and the type of man I want as my husband.

This is why the soundtrack has journeyed to Ms. Simpson.... I can remember the first time I heard this song, I instantly fell in LOVE. This is one of those real love songs and although the quality of the singing may be up for debate ( I personally like her voice) you can't deny the adorable lyrics. In this song she is rejoicing at the fact that she has found someone that she can be authentic with; she is able to finally admit the things about her that may not be the best and not be judged for them but be loved and accepted maybe both in spite of and because of... And isn't that what love is? Well I like to think that it's a big part of this complex thing we call love so here I am ready to admit that I am messy, I am whiny (sometimes), I can be dramatic, I can be cold, I over react sometimes, I like text messages first thing in the morning from the person I love, I would love to have flowers on a Tuesday just because.... And it feels good to proclaim this to the world and not feel the least bit embarrassed. Like Dr. Seuss says, "those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter".

So maybe my future husband will never read this and never get a heads up on what he will embark on, but if he does I like to imagine he'll start reading and develop a smirk on his loving face and then he'll eventually nod at my rant and probably have a couple more things to add to my list but then he will pick up his phone and text me "I love you" just because each of those things on the list are qualities that compose the mate to his soul... He'll know the pieces of me and he will be a piece of me... Yeah, I like that

Until the next song plays...

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