Monday, January 5, 2009

All I Could Do Was Cry

"I heard church bells ringing
I heard a choir singing
I saw my love walk down the aisle
On her finger he placed a ring..."
-Etta James

This post won't be a long one. I think the song is self explanatory. I've only loved three men in my life. One based on the physical, one because I couldn't love myself, and the other... well I'll just say that when I look back on it that love was the closest I've ever been to the real thing. Now that love has come and gone and others have done the same but I grieve because the real thing hasn't happened for me yet.

Day after day I am in some way reminded of what I once had and that I no longer have that. So now I sit here thinking about him, thinking about me, thinking about what once was and wondering if it will ever be again.

Then I look at my love life in the present and realize the non-existence is starting to get to me. I'm allowing myself to be caught up in stupid flirtatious games with men that I know are not it. I'm proud to say I recognize it for what it is and I don't put much stock in it but I can't help to wonder when? When will my solitude end? When will it happen for me? When will my prince come and when will the bells ring for me?

A melancholy post I know but... My ex is getting married this weekend... even though I may not necessarily want to be with him... Right now... All I can do is cry...

Until the next song plays...


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