Complicated

"I wish I could change
I wish I could change
I wish I could stop
Sayin the same old things
I wish I could be
Who u want me 2 be"
-Robin Thicke


Although I personally am still on an MJ kick, the soundtrack has led me to one of my other favorite male artists... Robin Thicke. I have long been hypnotized by the alluring chords in this song accompanied by his o so pure falsetto and of course the lyrics are what I really want. This song struck me because of it's honesty. The honesty of knowing that you can't give someone what they want, need or are asking for, yet in that you... well you wish that you could. As I have been on this journey, this journey I'll refer to as my quest to explore my inner introvert, I have defiitely pissed off quite a few people. In the past this would have been the least of my worries but now, now I'm starting to realize how my recent inconsistency could lead others to view me as becoming apathetic, distant, or even in some cases just plain old bitchy. I don't want to be viewed as such. Especially since I am continually attempting to be intentional about my words and deeds. And I haven't quite mastered the balance or integration if you will, of taking some time out to focus on me and being a little selfish on top of being everything to everyone as I have done in the past.

I admit, I've gone from one extreme to the other. I went from being completely consumed in everyone else's life, being all things to all people. I got burned out on that. I got tired of not taking care of me, not only that I got tired of noone caring if I took care of me as long as I was taking care of them. So now I admit I'm being a little selfish, but I wish... I just wish that people could understand that. I wish I could go back... even if only to give warning of the upcoming transformation. But now all I can say or tell my friends is that I just am taking time to take care of me... Well I am enjoying it.

I love the fact that I can appreciate my alone time, I love that when I get off work I look forward to going home and spending the rest of the night with my baby boy and I don't have to worry about who needs a ride here, or how much this person needs so they won't get evicted, or even what errand does this one need to run for their week to go smoothly...

So yes for their sake yes, I wish I could be who they wanted me to be... yet I'm glad I can't. I guess I'm just complicated...

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz