"There was nowhere else to go
Nobody else to turn to
For the rest of my life
I promise myself
I will love me first genuinely..."
Friendship has been a little hard to handle lately. I am very much the type of person that, once I feel close to person, a friend, I am inclined to feel that way until otherwise I decide not to. Weird as it may be, I very quickly become attached to my friends. So lately I have been realizing that this is not so true for the rest of the world. I mean yeah there are so many people around me that I love and support and hang out with etc. Yet on those days when I am sad, lonely, frustrated, excited, whatever there hasn't been anyone around for me to share that with. I miss my close circle that I use to have back in the high school and college days. You know that one group of girls that did everything together, then on top of that knew everything about each other. Man I enjoy the security of knowing when something goes down all I have to do is pick up the phone...
I guess things change as we age an mature. Instead of my girls being maybe a floor or classroom away, now my real close friends are states away. Yeah I can pick up the phone and give her a ring but it's just not the same. And don't get me wrong the people that are close to me vicinity wise are not bad people it's just the history, the investment, the time is not there... yet.
In these times of loneliness, in missing my girls, and trying to figure out how to create new circles, I realize that I need to get it together. What I mean is that, I have to be content in my solitude sometimes. It's hard of course and yes the extrovert in me is slowly being forced to calm down but, I think I'm growing and realizing that I don't have to be sad and lonely. I can use this time to understand myself better and what it is I really want out of friendship. I am convinced that there must be a reason for all of this going on in my life at this moment... I just hope it doesn't last much longer...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Purify Me
"It's like you're baptizing me with your love...
...Like a glimmer of life
Like a vision of light
And he's so perfect I couldn't picture him if I tried"
-India Arie
Today is such a special day. Today is the anniversary of my mommyhood. This day 4 years ago I was baptized. Baptized by the love only a mother could feel for their child. Baptized into the greatest responsibility of my life. Baptized into a new and totally different life...love...me. See before I had my son, I was at a bad point in my life. I was kind of aimlessly living and being thrown to and from by circumstance. Sure I had goals and dreams and visions of what I wanted but I didn't either know how or care enough to do what it took to accomplish them. I was also in a bit of an unhealthy relationship to say the least. Basically life was living me, not the other way around. Once I found out I was pregnant, all that changed... quickly. I had to get my shit together. I could no longer play with life, I was now going to be in charge of someone else and all of my decisions were gonna affect them DIRECTLY. Sure this may sound like the beginning (or ending) of a couple lifetime movies but I'm telling you for a lot of mothers... this feeling of urgency regarding responsibility is all too real.
Once he was born, and I was no longer under the influence of the general anesthesia, I held him and I just could not believe the reality. I was looking into the eyes of a person that I created. Honestly giving birth and the aftermath is a truly spritual experience. His presence was my very own confirmation that not only does a greater being exist, but they are truly merciful, wonderful, and most of all faithful.
And 4 years later... I feel the exact same way. Sure I haven't made all the right decisions, nor have I perfected motherhood. But we're here, and we're taken care of. I say this not in boast but as a testimony of what I know to be real.
My baptism 4 years ago changed my life. It changed the very essence of my life, and I haven't been the same since. Everyday now, I strive to be a better me so that I can be a better mother for him. Now that he's at the point of having his own personality I can just feel LOVE in each word, action, goodnight kiss he gives. I was purified by HIS love... Thank you GOD!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
...Like a glimmer of life
Like a vision of light
And he's so perfect I couldn't picture him if I tried"
-India Arie
Today is such a special day. Today is the anniversary of my mommyhood. This day 4 years ago I was baptized. Baptized by the love only a mother could feel for their child. Baptized into the greatest responsibility of my life. Baptized into a new and totally different life...love...me. See before I had my son, I was at a bad point in my life. I was kind of aimlessly living and being thrown to and from by circumstance. Sure I had goals and dreams and visions of what I wanted but I didn't either know how or care enough to do what it took to accomplish them. I was also in a bit of an unhealthy relationship to say the least. Basically life was living me, not the other way around. Once I found out I was pregnant, all that changed... quickly. I had to get my shit together. I could no longer play with life, I was now going to be in charge of someone else and all of my decisions were gonna affect them DIRECTLY. Sure this may sound like the beginning (or ending) of a couple lifetime movies but I'm telling you for a lot of mothers... this feeling of urgency regarding responsibility is all too real.
Once he was born, and I was no longer under the influence of the general anesthesia, I held him and I just could not believe the reality. I was looking into the eyes of a person that I created. Honestly giving birth and the aftermath is a truly spritual experience. His presence was my very own confirmation that not only does a greater being exist, but they are truly merciful, wonderful, and most of all faithful.
And 4 years later... I feel the exact same way. Sure I haven't made all the right decisions, nor have I perfected motherhood. But we're here, and we're taken care of. I say this not in boast but as a testimony of what I know to be real.
My baptism 4 years ago changed my life. It changed the very essence of my life, and I haven't been the same since. Everyday now, I strive to be a better me so that I can be a better mother for him. Now that he's at the point of having his own personality I can just feel LOVE in each word, action, goodnight kiss he gives. I was purified by HIS love... Thank you GOD!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Weak
"I don't know what it is that you've done to me...
but it's caused me to act in such a crazy way.
Whatever it is that you do when you do what you're doing..."
-SWV
So have you ever been in the situation where you don't know why you feel the way that you feel about someone? I mean you want to feel one way but everything in your mind soul and body feels differently? Ugh if you have never been in this predicament let me tell you, it is not a fun situation. That thin line between love and hate is getting thinner and thinner every moment. There is someone. Someone that I hate. Someone that irks the hell out of me and makes me want to rip their eyelashes off one by one yet... Yet this person has done something to me to make me not able to control this other feeling. This feeling of nervousness whenever they are around or try to engage me in conversation. This feeling that I can't stop smiling when I look at them. This bullshit of a crush that is beginning to develop... again. O yes we have gone through this foolishness before. I have gone down that path and came right back running and screaming so I ask myself... Why the hell would you even dare to contemplate making that same mistake again? I am truly and honestly pissed off at myself and my feelings. Here I am trying to grow and evolve and learn, and my dumb feelings are trying to revert back to their old ways.
I refuse! I like this place of being content in hating this person. I mean I deserve this feeling. I am comfortable in it and I know how to deal with it. Well I admit hate is a strong word but that's why i chose it. I strongly hate the way that this person made me feel. I hate their dumb words and stupid presence. Ok I am being childish and immature but there is this part of me that wants to be done with you when you make me sad. And it has usually worked for me but this person, well they must have discovered the secret. So I'm mad and I feel a bit betrayed by my feelings. I want this to stop and I will every day force myself not to think of them, to stop smiling when I think about them or talk to them, and most of all stop thinking about them period!
Help... the soundtrack is picking songs and I don't even have control of them anymore!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
but it's caused me to act in such a crazy way.
Whatever it is that you do when you do what you're doing..."
-SWV
So have you ever been in the situation where you don't know why you feel the way that you feel about someone? I mean you want to feel one way but everything in your mind soul and body feels differently? Ugh if you have never been in this predicament let me tell you, it is not a fun situation. That thin line between love and hate is getting thinner and thinner every moment. There is someone. Someone that I hate. Someone that irks the hell out of me and makes me want to rip their eyelashes off one by one yet... Yet this person has done something to me to make me not able to control this other feeling. This feeling of nervousness whenever they are around or try to engage me in conversation. This feeling that I can't stop smiling when I look at them. This bullshit of a crush that is beginning to develop... again. O yes we have gone through this foolishness before. I have gone down that path and came right back running and screaming so I ask myself... Why the hell would you even dare to contemplate making that same mistake again? I am truly and honestly pissed off at myself and my feelings. Here I am trying to grow and evolve and learn, and my dumb feelings are trying to revert back to their old ways.
I refuse! I like this place of being content in hating this person. I mean I deserve this feeling. I am comfortable in it and I know how to deal with it. Well I admit hate is a strong word but that's why i chose it. I strongly hate the way that this person made me feel. I hate their dumb words and stupid presence. Ok I am being childish and immature but there is this part of me that wants to be done with you when you make me sad. And it has usually worked for me but this person, well they must have discovered the secret. So I'm mad and I feel a bit betrayed by my feelings. I want this to stop and I will every day force myself not to think of them, to stop smiling when I think about them or talk to them, and most of all stop thinking about them period!
Help... the soundtrack is picking songs and I don't even have control of them anymore!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Gotta Find Peace of Mind
"You're my peace of mind, that old me is left behind
You're my peace of mind, you're my peace of mind...
What a joy it is to be alive
To get another chance, yeah
Everyday's another chance
To get it right this time
Everyday's another chance
Oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God
Oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God"
-Lauryn Hill
Wow... Life just keeps throwing me curve balls. I mean just when I think I have it right, just when I think I have it wrong, just when I think I'm where I should, could, would be... I have of course been on this quest for so many things, love being one of the most elusive... In this quest for love and not just in the romantic form, I have come to such new revelations. I mean I am starting to become so interested in an aspect of love that I have never even took the time to question before. This aspect of love has all of the sudden perplexed me in it's manifestations. The love I'm referring to is friendship. The phileo love if you will. This love that in the past I just thought was shared between homies. Not to be taken lightly of course but still something that comes and is great but certainly could not compete with eros... Interestingly enough I was saddly mistaken.
This past couple of months has been hard on the friendship tip for me to say the least, yet I believe that like any good rose bush the pruning produces the beauty. So anyway I have truly gotten to the point of not even wanting to deal with some of the people in my life that I called "friend" because of the foolishness that they have been participating in. Everything from blatent unmerited accusations, to apathy, to fickleness, to downrght disrespect. I just have such a low threshold for stuff like that so in turn I kindly entered into my turtle shell content to be by my lonesome til I had a reason not to be. Well life said not so! I was quickly bombarded by a resonance of wonderful reminders of what real friendship is and should be. I mean phone calls, belly laughs, general assurances that despite the foolishness that I had endured, there were still those that loved me... that phileo'd me... and that felt so good. I adore my friends, I mean I truly adore these people in my life. And even being able to expand my close circle to include my brothers. Brothers that have my best interests at heart, that aren't ruled by ulterior motives but truely choose to invest in me and my little one. I guess in a word I'm a bit speechless...
In all of this, one thing that I was also able to gain back was my peace of mind. I had been so caight up in withdrawing and getting away, that I forgot to recognize that I have to create a space to maintain my own peace. Peace with myself, peace with those around me, peace in general. I have to remind myself that no one gets the power to rob me of my peace of mind, foolishness or not. This period of my life has been so overwhelming... It seems like each day I grow and find out something more and new and just something else... I just stand in awe.
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
You're my peace of mind, you're my peace of mind...
What a joy it is to be alive
To get another chance, yeah
Everyday's another chance
To get it right this time
Everyday's another chance
Oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God
Oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God"
-Lauryn Hill
Wow... Life just keeps throwing me curve balls. I mean just when I think I have it right, just when I think I have it wrong, just when I think I'm where I should, could, would be... I have of course been on this quest for so many things, love being one of the most elusive... In this quest for love and not just in the romantic form, I have come to such new revelations. I mean I am starting to become so interested in an aspect of love that I have never even took the time to question before. This aspect of love has all of the sudden perplexed me in it's manifestations. The love I'm referring to is friendship. The phileo love if you will. This love that in the past I just thought was shared between homies. Not to be taken lightly of course but still something that comes and is great but certainly could not compete with eros... Interestingly enough I was saddly mistaken.
This past couple of months has been hard on the friendship tip for me to say the least, yet I believe that like any good rose bush the pruning produces the beauty. So anyway I have truly gotten to the point of not even wanting to deal with some of the people in my life that I called "friend" because of the foolishness that they have been participating in. Everything from blatent unmerited accusations, to apathy, to fickleness, to downrght disrespect. I just have such a low threshold for stuff like that so in turn I kindly entered into my turtle shell content to be by my lonesome til I had a reason not to be. Well life said not so! I was quickly bombarded by a resonance of wonderful reminders of what real friendship is and should be. I mean phone calls, belly laughs, general assurances that despite the foolishness that I had endured, there were still those that loved me... that phileo'd me... and that felt so good. I adore my friends, I mean I truly adore these people in my life. And even being able to expand my close circle to include my brothers. Brothers that have my best interests at heart, that aren't ruled by ulterior motives but truely choose to invest in me and my little one. I guess in a word I'm a bit speechless...
In all of this, one thing that I was also able to gain back was my peace of mind. I had been so caight up in withdrawing and getting away, that I forgot to recognize that I have to create a space to maintain my own peace. Peace with myself, peace with those around me, peace in general. I have to remind myself that no one gets the power to rob me of my peace of mind, foolishness or not. This period of my life has been so overwhelming... It seems like each day I grow and find out something more and new and just something else... I just stand in awe.
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Friday, July 24, 2009
Water
"Melting down the walls of inhibition
Evaporating all of my fears
Baptizing me into complete submission
Dissolving my condition with his tears"
- Lauryn Hill
Today is a wonderfully beautiful Friday! Despite the crap that has been creeping up, my joy will not suffer collateral damage and I am free today. I am baptized in the water of life and love and freedom. The soundtrack has led me to one of the deepest songs I've ever heard, by one of the the most talented ingenious artists alive; The Divine Ms. L... As I like to call her. Anyway this song is just one of those happy songs in my life. When listening to this song I just feel baptized by the guitar chords and fortified by the lyrics. Just for today, at least, I see my fears evaporating, and feel the inhibition melting away. I am happy today, I am free today, I love me some me today... Enjoy!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Evaporating all of my fears
Baptizing me into complete submission
Dissolving my condition with his tears"
- Lauryn Hill
Today is a wonderfully beautiful Friday! Despite the crap that has been creeping up, my joy will not suffer collateral damage and I am free today. I am baptized in the water of life and love and freedom. The soundtrack has led me to one of the deepest songs I've ever heard, by one of the the most talented ingenious artists alive; The Divine Ms. L... As I like to call her. Anyway this song is just one of those happy songs in my life. When listening to this song I just feel baptized by the guitar chords and fortified by the lyrics. Just for today, at least, I see my fears evaporating, and feel the inhibition melting away. I am happy today, I am free today, I love me some me today... Enjoy!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Stronger
"Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger"
-Brittany Spears
Wow... from MJ to Brittany. Sorry folks but hear me out, this song simply puts it best.
My ex called me last night. As I looked at the number I never thought I'd see flash on my phone again, I heard the voice I never thought I'd hear greet me again, and heard the words that I never thought I would have heard him say... "I missed you, I've been thinking about you..." Insert screeching car wheel sounds here! I am still in utter shock. I mean this man... Well I'll just say I was in LOVE with this man. I literally craved this man at one point and after the horrible, break up we went through... I never thought we'd ever interact again. Sure I missed him, and sure I would from time to time have to remind myself of all the pain and suffering we went through in order to keep myself from picking up that phone, but I was convinced that as long as I didn't open Pandora's box that it would remain closed and that I was in control.
Yeah there goes that theory... I mean the thing is I was afraid of this very thing happening. I was afraid that if he was the one that came back, if he was the one that swallowed his pride and came back to reconcile that I would be powerless to his advances. I mean sure I've been on this journey and I'm growing and I'm exploring this life as a single lady (shout out to Beyonce!); but the loneliness that I was forced to endure... well at times it was unbearable. SO... I have to admit that when my phone rang last night I was a little scared of what I might say or do...
Well... all I can say is that I surprised my damn self! I mean I was calm, I was cordial, I was well, I was stronger. I didn;t have the urge to sit and reminisce about old times, I just sat and had a conversation with an old buddy. I guess all of this stuff about growth really does work. I was able to be the me I want to be. I was able to knwo that this was not the time to revert back to old ways, and I was finallt able to prove to myself that even though it may have felt like it, my loneliness does not have to kill me if I don't choose to let it. I have a choice in the matter. I have a standard that I'm choosing to uphold and I want to be who I say I am. So I am officially proud of myself. Now... does this mean that I have it all together? NO I'm not claiming perfection I never will but I will say that I've come a long way baby!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger"
-Brittany Spears
Wow... from MJ to Brittany. Sorry folks but hear me out, this song simply puts it best.
My ex called me last night. As I looked at the number I never thought I'd see flash on my phone again, I heard the voice I never thought I'd hear greet me again, and heard the words that I never thought I would have heard him say... "I missed you, I've been thinking about you..." Insert screeching car wheel sounds here! I am still in utter shock. I mean this man... Well I'll just say I was in LOVE with this man. I literally craved this man at one point and after the horrible, break up we went through... I never thought we'd ever interact again. Sure I missed him, and sure I would from time to time have to remind myself of all the pain and suffering we went through in order to keep myself from picking up that phone, but I was convinced that as long as I didn't open Pandora's box that it would remain closed and that I was in control.
Yeah there goes that theory... I mean the thing is I was afraid of this very thing happening. I was afraid that if he was the one that came back, if he was the one that swallowed his pride and came back to reconcile that I would be powerless to his advances. I mean sure I've been on this journey and I'm growing and I'm exploring this life as a single lady (shout out to Beyonce!); but the loneliness that I was forced to endure... well at times it was unbearable. SO... I have to admit that when my phone rang last night I was a little scared of what I might say or do...
Well... all I can say is that I surprised my damn self! I mean I was calm, I was cordial, I was well, I was stronger. I didn;t have the urge to sit and reminisce about old times, I just sat and had a conversation with an old buddy. I guess all of this stuff about growth really does work. I was able to be the me I want to be. I was able to knwo that this was not the time to revert back to old ways, and I was finallt able to prove to myself that even though it may have felt like it, my loneliness does not have to kill me if I don't choose to let it. I have a choice in the matter. I have a standard that I'm choosing to uphold and I want to be who I say I am. So I am officially proud of myself. Now... does this mean that I have it all together? NO I'm not claiming perfection I never will but I will say that I've come a long way baby!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Monday, July 20, 2009
Complicated
"I wish I could change
I wish I could change
I wish I could stop
Sayin the same old things
I wish I could be
Who u want me 2 be"
-Robin Thicke
Although I personally am still on an MJ kick, the soundtrack has led me to one of my other favorite male artists... Robin Thicke. I have long been hypnotized by the alluring chords in this song accompanied by his o so pure falsetto and of course the lyrics are what I really want. This song struck me because of it's honesty. The honesty of knowing that you can't give someone what they want, need or are asking for, yet in that you... well you wish that you could. As I have been on this journey, this journey I'll refer to as my quest to explore my inner introvert, I have defiitely pissed off quite a few people. In the past this would have been the least of my worries but now, now I'm starting to realize how my recent inconsistency could lead others to view me as becoming apathetic, distant, or even in some cases just plain old bitchy. I don't want to be viewed as such. Especially since I am continually attempting to be intentional about my words and deeds. And I haven't quite mastered the balance or integration if you will, of taking some time out to focus on me and being a little selfish on top of being everything to everyone as I have done in the past.
I admit, I've gone from one extreme to the other. I went from being completely consumed in everyone else's life, being all things to all people. I got burned out on that. I got tired of not taking care of me, not only that I got tired of noone caring if I took care of me as long as I was taking care of them. So now I admit I'm being a little selfish, but I wish... I just wish that people could understand that. I wish I could go back... even if only to give warning of the upcoming transformation. But now all I can say or tell my friends is that I just am taking time to take care of me... Well I am enjoying it.
I love the fact that I can appreciate my alone time, I love that when I get off work I look forward to going home and spending the rest of the night with my baby boy and I don't have to worry about who needs a ride here, or how much this person needs so they won't get evicted, or even what errand does this one need to run for their week to go smoothly...
So yes for their sake yes, I wish I could be who they wanted me to be... yet I'm glad I can't. I guess I'm just complicated...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
I wish I could change
I wish I could stop
Sayin the same old things
I wish I could be
Who u want me 2 be"
-Robin Thicke
Although I personally am still on an MJ kick, the soundtrack has led me to one of my other favorite male artists... Robin Thicke. I have long been hypnotized by the alluring chords in this song accompanied by his o so pure falsetto and of course the lyrics are what I really want. This song struck me because of it's honesty. The honesty of knowing that you can't give someone what they want, need or are asking for, yet in that you... well you wish that you could. As I have been on this journey, this journey I'll refer to as my quest to explore my inner introvert, I have defiitely pissed off quite a few people. In the past this would have been the least of my worries but now, now I'm starting to realize how my recent inconsistency could lead others to view me as becoming apathetic, distant, or even in some cases just plain old bitchy. I don't want to be viewed as such. Especially since I am continually attempting to be intentional about my words and deeds. And I haven't quite mastered the balance or integration if you will, of taking some time out to focus on me and being a little selfish on top of being everything to everyone as I have done in the past.
I admit, I've gone from one extreme to the other. I went from being completely consumed in everyone else's life, being all things to all people. I got burned out on that. I got tired of not taking care of me, not only that I got tired of noone caring if I took care of me as long as I was taking care of them. So now I admit I'm being a little selfish, but I wish... I just wish that people could understand that. I wish I could go back... even if only to give warning of the upcoming transformation. But now all I can say or tell my friends is that I just am taking time to take care of me... Well I am enjoying it.
I love the fact that I can appreciate my alone time, I love that when I get off work I look forward to going home and spending the rest of the night with my baby boy and I don't have to worry about who needs a ride here, or how much this person needs so they won't get evicted, or even what errand does this one need to run for their week to go smoothly...
So yes for their sake yes, I wish I could be who they wanted me to be... yet I'm glad I can't. I guess I'm just complicated...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
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