Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I Choose

"I was always too concerned about what everybody would think
But I can't live for everybody I gotta live my life for me..."
-India Arie

I cried today at work. I broke down and wept. I haven't cried in a long time. Well not about work. I usually cry from being lonely, or because of my anger, but today I cried because I felt powerless. My job has become really stressful. I have been on this journery of professional development and I have been growing and learning and trying to be a better me. In all of this trying and learning and growing I have lost myself. I have forgotten what I am and what I have set out to do. I have become so caught up in trying to impress and appease someone that refuses to acknowledge my effort; that I have not taken the time to acknowledge me. I am probably what people call a type A personality. I am used to excelling in everything that I do with a minimal energy exertion. And all of my life I have done quite well. In school I have been the teacher's pet, in jobs I have been the employee on the fast track, in the world I have been the center of attention. But this job, this leadership development, entry level position in a non-profit; well I just haven't been the one to watch. The funny part about it though is that I have worked harder at this than I have worked in a long time. I have put so much effort and perserverance in trying to be recognized by those around me that I have given up my power. I have been silenced, lost motivation, and essentially tried to fit into someone else's idea of what I should be. What the hell is wrong with me?

This is not me. This is not who I am. I choose. I have choosen all my life and that doesn't change just because of entry level non-profit america. The very fact that I have put 200% into my work when usually I only have to use 75, the very fact that I have grown as a person, as an employee, as Jasmine is enough to prove to anybody that I have accomplished much. So today in my tears I have made up my mind. I can't ever allow someone to make me give my power ever again. I am so wonderful and beautiful and vibrant because of my voice, and my power, and my spirit and no everyone may not be able to enjoy and appreciate it but I MUST! And I do, and I will.

I choose to be me and love it... Even if no one else will.

Until the next song plays...

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