Wednesday, March 25, 2009

If Only You Knew

"I must have rehearsed my lines a thousand times,
Until I had them memorized.
But when I get up the nerve to tell you,
the words that never seem to come out right..."
-Patti Labelle

Ok we're back to the crush. I have tried. I have tried and tried to be cool, and to just sit back and relax. It's not working people! I even took some time to be away from the whole situation and pretend that I was not so totally into this youong man, but that only worked for as long as I didn't have to look into his gorgeous eyes. The moment that I saw him, hugged him, talked on the phone til midnight to him, I again became putty. Ugh! I am supposed to be stronger than this.

So now, I am at the point of either A) choosing to continue on in this maddness until I either pop, or he decides to say something to me. Or... B) I can muster up the courage to have "the talk" with him. This talk would be comepletely mortifying for me. You know how in your mind the whole scenario goes great, and wonderful and it's all carebears and rainbows? but in reality it could possibly go horribly. My scenario is so perfect in my head that I don't think it's even possible for reality to measure up. I have no idea really what I should do. All I do know is that I have developed these feelings and I have absolutely no clue what to do with them. I mean do I want a boyfriend? Is he able to even give me that if I do want it? Even if he doesn't want the same things as me could we still maintain our awesome friendship? So so so many questions...

I just wish instead of actually talking to him, I could just offer this information through osmosis or something like that... I know that is silly but seriously! I know what I need to do. I know what I want, and I know that I have to be intentional in my own life. All this time I've been waiting on something and I haven't been honest with myself about why I even want that. I mean why does it mean so much to me that he make the first move? Or what does that have to do with anything? What does making the first move mean anyway? He is the one that initiated the friendship... I dunno I probably sound like a bumbling idiot right now.
This would be so much easier if I didn't have to tell him and he just knew...

Until the next song plays...

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