Water

"Melting down the walls of inhibition
Evaporating all of my fears
Baptizing me into complete submission
Dissolving my condition with his tears"
- Lauryn Hill

Today is a wonderfully beautiful Friday! Despite the crap that has been creeping up, my joy will not suffer collateral damage and I am free today. I am baptized in the water of life and love and freedom. The soundtrack has led me to one of the deepest songs I've ever heard, by one of the the most talented ingenious artists alive; The Divine Ms. L... As I like to call her. Anyway this song is just one of those happy songs in my life. When listening to this song I just feel baptized by the guitar chords and fortified by the lyrics. Just for today, at least, I see my fears evaporating, and feel the inhibition melting away. I am happy today, I am free today, I love me some me today... Enjoy!

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Stronger

"Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger"
-Brittany Spears


Wow... from MJ to Brittany. Sorry folks but hear me out, this song simply puts it best.

My ex called me last night. As I looked at the number I never thought I'd see flash on my phone again, I heard the voice I never thought I'd hear greet me again, and heard the words that I never thought I would have heard him say... "I missed you, I've been thinking about you..." Insert screeching car wheel sounds here! I am still in utter shock. I mean this man... Well I'll just say I was in LOVE with this man. I literally craved this man at one point and after the horrible, break up we went through... I never thought we'd ever interact again. Sure I missed him, and sure I would from time to time have to remind myself of all the pain and suffering we went through in order to keep myself from picking up that phone, but I was convinced that as long as I didn't open Pandora's box that it would remain closed and that I was in control.

Yeah there goes that theory... I mean the thing is I was afraid of this very thing happening. I was afraid that if he was the one that came back, if he was the one that swallowed his pride and came back to reconcile that I would be powerless to his advances. I mean sure I've been on this journey and I'm growing and I'm exploring this life as a single lady (shout out to Beyonce!); but the loneliness that I was forced to endure... well at times it was unbearable. SO... I have to admit that when my phone rang last night I was a little scared of what I might say or do...

Well... all I can say is that I surprised my damn self! I mean I was calm, I was cordial, I was well, I was stronger. I didn;t have the urge to sit and reminisce about old times, I just sat and had a conversation with an old buddy. I guess all of this stuff about growth really does work. I was able to be the me I want to be. I was able to knwo that this was not the time to revert back to old ways, and I was finallt able to prove to myself that even though it may have felt like it, my loneliness does not have to kill me if I don't choose to let it. I have a choice in the matter. I have a standard that I'm choosing to uphold and I want to be who I say I am. So I am officially proud of myself. Now... does this mean that I have it all together? NO I'm not claiming perfection I never will but I will say that I've come a long way baby!


Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Complicated

"I wish I could change
I wish I could change
I wish I could stop
Sayin the same old things
I wish I could be
Who u want me 2 be"
-Robin Thicke


Although I personally am still on an MJ kick, the soundtrack has led me to one of my other favorite male artists... Robin Thicke. I have long been hypnotized by the alluring chords in this song accompanied by his o so pure falsetto and of course the lyrics are what I really want. This song struck me because of it's honesty. The honesty of knowing that you can't give someone what they want, need or are asking for, yet in that you... well you wish that you could. As I have been on this journey, this journey I'll refer to as my quest to explore my inner introvert, I have defiitely pissed off quite a few people. In the past this would have been the least of my worries but now, now I'm starting to realize how my recent inconsistency could lead others to view me as becoming apathetic, distant, or even in some cases just plain old bitchy. I don't want to be viewed as such. Especially since I am continually attempting to be intentional about my words and deeds. And I haven't quite mastered the balance or integration if you will, of taking some time out to focus on me and being a little selfish on top of being everything to everyone as I have done in the past.

I admit, I've gone from one extreme to the other. I went from being completely consumed in everyone else's life, being all things to all people. I got burned out on that. I got tired of not taking care of me, not only that I got tired of noone caring if I took care of me as long as I was taking care of them. So now I admit I'm being a little selfish, but I wish... I just wish that people could understand that. I wish I could go back... even if only to give warning of the upcoming transformation. But now all I can say or tell my friends is that I just am taking time to take care of me... Well I am enjoying it.

I love the fact that I can appreciate my alone time, I love that when I get off work I look forward to going home and spending the rest of the night with my baby boy and I don't have to worry about who needs a ride here, or how much this person needs so they won't get evicted, or even what errand does this one need to run for their week to go smoothly...

So yes for their sake yes, I wish I could be who they wanted me to be... yet I'm glad I can't. I guess I'm just complicated...

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'

"Someone's Always Tryin' To Start My Baby Cryin'
Talkin', Squealin', Lyin'
Sayin' You Just Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'"
-MJ


So yes the soundtrack is lovin MJ right about now... And more than that this song is perfect for what I'm feeling right now. As always life refuses to let me be content. I have a great job, I'm loving my me time, and I just generally feel good. Yet a stupid situation reers it's ugly head. Let me start off by saying when I'm done with someone I'm pretty much finished talking about any and everything that has to do with whatever lead me to be done with them in the first place. I am, however in the process of trying to do better with that aspect of me. So in with a particular person that met this fate of me being done with them, I had to really search myself and forgive and live and let live. I actually forgave this person. Not only that, I was able to leave any bitterness, and aught that I had behind. I am proud of myself fot this.

So here is the stupid part. There are others that don't feel that this course of action was sufficient for the situation. I have been told that I need to go back to this formerly done with person and "clear the air". WTF? Can I just say that that shit is for the birds. I'm not doing that. I've grown but I haven't grown into stupidity. Furthermore, I personally have not felt an awkwardness toward this formerly done person (I kinda love that term) and based on the previous circumstances the fact that I am where I am with this situation says a lot.

I guess the problem here for me is that I feel that I've done everything in this situation that I'm going to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm either right or wrong for not "clearing the air", I am however being honest with myself and the other parties about what is realistically going to happen on this end. Not only that but I have come to the place where I'm comfortable with that course of action whether it be right or wrong. It seems like it's always somethin.

It seems like someone always has an opinion for me, a course of action they'd like me to take, something they want me to change... I'm getting to the point where I'm fed up with this type of pseudo-constructive criticism. I admit my personality type (ENFP) is such that I am prone to taking things personally so I understand that I may sound a bit ridiculous. But I mean there is a way, a time, a place, a tone that must be intentionally thought about when going there with someone... especially me.

I say all of this not to try and start somethin' but just as a way to vent my frsutrations...


Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Human Nature

"And they say why why tell them that it's human nature..."
-Michael Jackson


It's been a long time and sooo much has happened. In my life, in this world, in time and space. I use this lyric as an homage to the King that we lost much to soon... I also use this lyric as a way to profess my humanity. During the past month and a half I have gone through an attempted censoring in regards to this soundtrack. No need for anymore details but just know I fought for you, for me, for my right to say and write whatever I need to say or write because it's my human nature. Too many times in life when people don't like, understand, or are afraid of words, thoughts, ideas they want to censor them. That my friends is bs. To quote one of our founding fathers (ahem) "I may not like what you say, but I'll defend til my death your right to say it". Why can't more people think this way?

Back to the point at hand.... My humanity. We've previously discussed loving and appreciating one's humanity and all that comes with that i.e. Flaws and All. But now I'm recognizing that this humanity, this human nature if you will is also the tie that binds. There are a lot of things going on in my life and some of the people in it are making some bonehead decisions. I would love to shout at them and say "hey, don't do that" but I can't. I look at them in their desperation, in their time of blatent ignorance and instead of looking at them wondering why, I can't help but see myself. See we all know Miss Jazz has not been the best decision maker in life. Yes I've grown and fallen and gotten up but I know that I will never get to the point where I myself am immune to the bonehead decision. Hopefully I won't revisit a misstep from the past but there are so many new uncharted bonehead decisions to be made... I jest of course but I guess I've said all of that to say... I'm really feelin Micahel for this song... R.I.P. King of Pop... MJ


Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Free

"Free like a flying dove
Free like the moon above
Free like the four letters that spell out L-O-V-E love
Free like the bluest sky
Free like wings up high
Free like... free like...free like....free like"
-Jill Scott

I'm tired. I'm tried of life right now. Maybe it's because I have not had a real break or vacation in like who knows when, or maybe it's because I don't get enough sleep ever, but maybe just maybe it's just me. I mean I feel so drained and nothing as done the job of renewing me.
Now that my program is coming to an end I will have some free time and some me. I wish I could just get away for a while. Away from life as I know it. Away from waking up early and going to bed late. Away from fixing dinner and giving baths. Away from ignorant bosses and even more ignorant coworkers. And yes even away from my leisure activities. I want to escape to a paradise where my only responsibility is to be happy.
Honestly, I want to go to Oakland. O Oakland. That's where my best friend lives. He was always the one that had the capability to make me feel like I was in another place. A surreal state of mind. And although I am making the concious decision not to go there and visit him (for o so many reasons) I still have a vision of what it would be like to do so...

Maybe it's not even about Oakland. Maybe the problem is that I am at the point in my life where I feel like something has to shake! I mean I feel like I'm at a standstill and I just need that breakthrough into my own destiny. These 10 months have been great don;t get me wrong but in my reflection I realize that it was only a transition. Many would look at me and assume that my graduation from this program means nothing but to me this has been a time for such growth. I have litterally been in my coccoon. I have honestly, and wholeheartedly looked at me in the mirror and loved, and understood, and purged, and most of all transformed. I need now to emerge from this coccoon and spread my wings and fly. I need to fly. I need to be free and fly and soar and be. I need to do this. I need to begin again and that means leaving all of this mundane mediocre bs alone. Getting rid of the nouns in my life that aren't worth my time. Getting rid of the doubts in my own mind that try their hardest to hold me back. I've come such a long way just to get stuck in this so I am stepping into my freedom. Stepping into the newness that I have created, and stepping away from everything that I have let go of from the past. It's been almost a year since I made the decision to love me and grow into the me that I was meant to be. I am free now...

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

My Life Would Suck Without You

"'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you"
-Kelly Clarkson


What is love? I mean honestly? Is it really all this extra butterflies and bells and whistles? Does it really mean you go gaga over someone and are blind to their imperfections? Well I use to believe in all of the above and ooooo so much more, but now I'm past all of these societal, socialized, definitions of love and I have morphed into Ms. Webster and decided to define my love for myself. I need to do this because I'm at a very critical point in my life. I refuse to let myself be hurt by this crap again.

I have listened to this song over and over and over and it got me to thinking... This is what real love is about. Love is recognizing that a person has made your life better so much so that their absence would cause great anguish. I like this definition. I like the realness of not only knowing yourself, but knowing the other person to the point that you understand but are willing to admit that your life is better with them in it.

I think that if I would have accepted this definition earlier in my life, I would never had to resort to Secrets. I would have understood that it's not about all this extra crap. It's not about a boo just for boo sake. It all comes down to, "an equal beneficial arrangement" to quote Mr. Soulchild. And that my friends is what I want. I think maybe I've found it but never looked at it this way I thought it was too simple. But the simplicity is what makes this sooo beautiful. I need my best friend. I love my phone calls from him in the middle of the night, I enjoy the inside jokes that we share, I most of all relish in the fact that for 10 years we have known and grown and loved each other. I can honestly say, my life would suck without him. So... yeah insert ephiany sound here...

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz