Sunday, February 8, 2009

Underneath It All

"There's times where
I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete"
-No Doubt

Ok so if you haven't already noticed I am focusing a lot on love since we're in the month of lovers. Reading these lyrics makes me think of how much I've learned over these past 7 months. My quest through single-dom has lead me to create above all else a standard that seemed to be non-existent in my past love life. I was previously void of knowing exactly what or who I really wanted. I was honestly just in love with love; or what I thought was love anyway. I didn't know myself and more importantly I didn't love myself.

Looking at the past used to make me feel so many things. Shame, guilt, regret, anger, embarassment, basically every horrible feeling that you could think of. I held on to so much of that because I was so busy blaming myself for the bad things I didn't at the time think to take a step back and learn from everything. And so I went, from bad relationship to bad relationship, from bum to abuser, to womanizer. Never learning really just hurting, and wishing that I could find more. Then one day I realized, with the help of many different people, that something was missing. My love life was missing something very important and so was I. See I expected to find this knight in shining armor, this perfect mate that had his shit together but the truth was I didn't have my shit together. In the words of India Arie, "If you want a butterfly, you gotta be a butterfly..." and I realized... I didn't have standards for myself so how could I have standards for my love life.

So here I am 7 months later... I am not professing perfection. I still have some insecuritites and as I have said in previous posts self-love is a journey not a destination but I feel better. I feel more whole than I did before. I finally have those standards, for myself most of all and then not just for men that I date but for the relationships that I may have in the future. I now am aware of what I want, what I deserve, what is acceptable. So now I can with confidence say, "I want something more, someone more like me..." Someone that is on this journey of love and self-awareness. I want my butterfly...

Until the next song plays...

1 comment:

Basette said...

You're amazingly introspective; which is an important, if not vital character trait. I can't wait to see what happens next :)