Golden

"I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song,
Singing loud and strong,
Grooving all day long,
I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my stroll,
I'll be high-steppin' y'all,
Letting the joy unfold"
-Jill Scott

Today is a great day... I woke up and had a smile on my face, spring in my step and a general joy about me... Yesterday was a bit stressful, but as I was debriefing it with one of my besties, I realized that it was "put my foot down" day. I had to create some standards at work, in my personal life, and just in general. Although this can be sometimes frustrating and tiring it's always for the best. I was able to cut some things off at the root and as I like to say "tell some people about themselves". For some reason that always puts me in a good mood.

I say all of this to say, I can totally understand Jill when she is so melodiously singing about taking, "her own freedom..." Freedom is something that must be taken, fought for, both figuratively and literally. You have to decide what is and is not ok in your OWN life... Draw your line in the sand today and bask in the joy of the freedom that it brings.

Happy Friday :)

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Come Live With Me

"Come live with me
And won't you be my love
Share my bread and wine
Be wife to me
Be life to me
Be mine
Oh, come live with me
And be my love
Let our dreams combine
Be great to me
Be fate to me
Be mine"
-Ray Charles

Mood: Pensive
So I stumbled upon this song while listening to Pandora and the romantic inside of me seemed to gasp for air from it's death bed... I mean you have to admit, without even having to hear the lulling melody the lyrics alone lend to the happily ever after that I have so recently stopped believing in.
The thing that I am in so much thought about though is not the idea of happily ever after, I think I'm making my peace with that. I think I'm wondering why this mindset, especially for the male members of my species, is lost. How is it that not even 100 years ago one of the most famous artists of their time and I would argue ours as well could sing these lyrics with such passion and this be such a popular song? When now, the closest to a love song that comes on the radio is a song where the singer boasts, "I'm gonna get you soaking wet, can I make you wet the bed..." We've already been introduced to the fact that I love love songs... I do I love a great love song about LOVE... And my generation seems to not only have lost the art of love songs but the art of love as well... The status quo is to be "kickin it" or to have an "open relationship" which simply means "I can have sex with other people but I will choose also to have sex with you AND you get to have some of my leisure time until I decide otherwise". There's a growing number of people having kids with people that they wouldn't even consider having relationships with and the idea of marriage is pretty much as out of date as the flip phone. There's even an option of "it's complicated" as a relationship status on facebook, I mean wtf?
No wonder the poor romantic inside is knocking on death's door... Commitment has been lost, serious relationships have become unheard of and people just... well they just don't seem to know how or what to do to really, truly love again.
Why don't guys want a love anymore? Why is it that the idea of being with one woman is such a turn off? And I mean I've heard all of the dissenting opinions and read all of the articles about sheer numbers and any other excuses you can find, but I call BS. Where is the part of someone, right now I'm concentrating on the males, but the part of you that wants that ONE special someone that you can come home to and tell about your day and feel secure and loved and supported and wanted and valued and loved? Why would you prefer all of this sneaking and serial dating and constantly having to be and do for all of these different people and keep up this game never really being honest, never truly allowing yourself to be just you for fear that you might "catch feelings"? What the hell is going on in the world?
And ladies why allow a man to devalue you by making you feel like you're crazy for wanting honesty and companionship and commitment? Maybe not everyone does want commitment but a lot of people do. And I for one am publicly proclaiming that YOU ARE NORMAL. There is nothing wrong with you... You are not missing some crazy stage of enlightenment, and you are neither unreasonable nor needy for creating a standard and sticking to it. If you know deep down in your heart that you want the ONE don't let someone make you their number 2.
SO now that my rant is over... I will place this beautiful song on repeat and let the sun shine in on me while I dream of that wonderful man that will one day play this song for me and mean every word of it, the man that wants and values honesty and commitment as much as I do, the man that will be my life partner.
I think the romantic inside just got a very positive prognosis, from here on out she's here to stay... Thanks Ray Charles

Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

Free

"Ain't no feeling like being free
When your mind's made up
And your hearts in the right place, yeah"
-Destiny's Child

Hello again to all my friends :) It has been almost a month since my last post and sooooo many things have happened. As you may be able to tell, I am no longer in my dark and twisty sad place and I am so grateful to God. Not only have I found my joy, I am free of anger, bitterness and resent. The soundtrack has me in a very good place right now... I am in place of freedom. Freedom from guilt, embarrassment, insecurity, anger, and bondage in general.

I have had my time to think and process all that went down and I'm of the mindset that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that every challenge we go through in our lives is meant to prepare us for the next step or phase and before we can "cross over" we have to complete the level... Well I'm happy to say that I have mastered this challenge beautifully if I do say so myself. I was even able to have a conversation with my former best friend and have some closure and for that I am grateful.

Since then I have been able to put the past behind me and begin this love stuff all over again... Not with a new relationship or a replacement of the previous one, but with a new found appreciation for all that is me... I feel beautiful and valuable and confident and whole. I feel like the world is my oyster. I am glad to be who I am and where I am at this moment in time and I appreciate all the experiences that have brought me to this moment.

So here I am world! I am free, and my heart is in the right place :)

Until the next song plays...

-Jazz

Nobody Knows

"I'm dyin' inside
and nobody knows it but me"

-Tony Rich

Each day I get a little stronger, I process it a little more, I grow a little taller, my heart hurts a little less. But the hardest part aside from healing from the hurt and getting over the initial anger, I miss my friend. I just miss my friend.

I miss what our friendship would have been without any of this. I miss the way that we were. I miss the inside jokes and having a person there that knew me without me having to explain anything. In all of this I can't help but think about if our friendship would have ever gotten to the point it was at without all of the extra. If not for my feelings, I would certainly not have spent that much time with him, or invested what I did, or cared the way I cared. I guess that makes me foolish. I'll give you that.

I finally feel like forgiveness is the resolution to all of this. I don't wanna feed my anger, I don't wanna look back and feel cheated, or bitter, or betrayed, or any of that. I wanna look back and smile. I wanna be able to remember the good times, the inside jokes, and the fun. I wanna tell stories of a friendship that was great, a friend that was there when I needed him. A friend who's season in my life was a bright one. A friend that I will always love, but know that I must love from a far.
I'm a little melancholy today but I'm making it... This is all a part of the process...

Until the next song plays...

-Jazz

Dreamlover

"I don't want another pretender
To disillusion me one more time
Whispering words of forever
Playing with my mind

I need someone to hold on to
The kind of love that won't fly away
I just want someone to belong to
Everyday
Of my life
Always
So come and take me away..."
-Mariah Carey



I was listening to the radio today, and was feeling sorry for myself like I always do in these situations. This song popped up and peaked my interest. It was the first song that I listened to today that made me come out of my self-pity state and actually bob my head and sing along. It's ironic because this used to be my FAVORITE song as a little girl. I used to sit and watch tv waiting for the video to come on, and even at that young age I could understand the words and I knew than that I wanted this dream lover to come and rescue me too. I wanted to be taken away, to be loved, to be sought after... I guess this is the reason I just can't seem to leave love alone... It's been ingrained in me since youth.

Listening to this song today gave me a new perspective on this whole situation. This jerk of and asshole that pretended to be my friend, does NOT get to break me. None of the men in my life that did not know how, or care to, or know how to love me do not get the power of tainting the very thing that I have wanted and desired for my entire life. Love is bigger than them and their insecurities, and failures, and lies, and malicious deeds. Love does not begin or end with them. Not for my life at least. I now more than ever believe, I believe in a dream lover. I believe that he is out there and he is probably just as frustrated with the way that love or pseudo-love has been going in his life at this point. I think that he dreams of meeting a woman that really believes in love, marriage, commitment, trust, and forever. He dreams of finding a woman that still wants to be swept off her feet and that is also fluent in all of the love languages. He too, is tired of pretenders, and those that want to play games. And I bet just like me, he is praying that she doesn't give up on love because that would mean he would never get to reap the love that he's sown.

So I'm here my dream lover.... Ready to begin again, equipped to love completely again, motivated to try it all again because I know you've been wanting this as much as I have and I know that you know me and understand how I feel inside. So come and take me away, up, down, anywhere you want to... Come take me away...


until the next song plays...

-Jazz

What's Love Got To DO With It?

"Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that"
-Tina Turner


Greetings loves! I am back seemingly for the first time at the place where I vowed to never return. You know this love thing really is for the damn birds.

As you can probably guess from the song title, I am back at odds with love because I really feel like I just can not win. I mean this time, this time it seemed so different. I felt like all the things I usually do wrong I did so right, and all of the things I was scared to do I jumped in head first. I loved this man completely, flaws and all. And at the same time I was able ti recognize that I didn't need him... not to define me or take care of me or even love me... I just wanted, chose, decided to love him.

Well it didn't do me any good. This man that spent most of his free time and beyond in my face, up under me, inviting me to share his life with him, his family, his ups and downs... I invested my time, my love, my complete self into this love and for what? For him to tell me that he sees me as a fuckin friend? ARE WE SERIOUS HERE? I would like to go on record for saying that men that use this friend son and dance to trick women into being there damn place holders are the WORST kind of vomit-like species alive. How can you out of your mouth say "I just really see you as a friend" when your actions show me, and the ENTIRE world the exact opposite? How can you call on me to share your highs and lows, and every other intricate detail of your life and simply call it being a friend? How can you gain my trust that you're "looking out for my best interest", "sharing my life" when in all actuality you watch as I play the fool... And for 3 years???

Three long years where I worked love like it was my job...

Where did I go wrong? How did I find myself BACK in this same damn situation, pissed, depressed, both over and underwhelmed, along with feeling completely used up and half-crazy? Why is it that I continue to sow love into a ground that seems to only be able to reap pain? From this point I have decided that for sure this person MUST be ejected from my life. I simply cannot continue in a friendship where I can't trust your words or actions, where I feel like you sought my demise for your own selfish gain, and in Sade's words he simply, "took my love..."
I'm done being friendly. I don't want and or need not another male "friend". Never again will I put myself in a situation where a man can pull the damn "bait and switch" on me. The current guy friends I have are cool. We have limited meaningful interactions that are reminiscent of a brother/sister bond. No confusion, no problems. But sleepovers, concerts with parents, sharing of finances, long walks in the park and long late night conversations??? HELL NO, NEVER AGAIN...

As you can tell, I'm upset (to say the least) I think I'm most of all flabbergasted that this shit is still going on... Those people in the world that say one thing and do another are the WORST kind of liars on earth. But I'm proud of myself for being honest, both with myself and my feelings. I am so much better to have ended that ruse of a friendship. Every ending is a new beginning right? SO now I begin again... A life that has NOTHING to do with love ( at least not the romantic type)

until the next song plays...

-Jazz

Headed In The Right Direction

"Headed in the right direction

I can see the light of day

I've got faith and intuition

telling me that I will be ok..."

-India Arie

2011... Wow it's a brand new year and about six months from the last time I checked in with you. Detox was rough, but I actually was successful (not at first) in completing it and I feel great. I am in a much better place. A place where bitterness although not completely gone is not a major focus. A place where I'm no longer mad or angry at the penis-ed species. A place where I am each day being more and more introspective. A place where I'm finally content in my singleness....

Rehab caused me to ask a lot of questions and as a result I began this journey to contentment. I began to ask myself why? Why was all of this so important to me? Why was I soo wrapped up in this idea of a man ushering me into my "happily ever after"? And when I asked myself these questions I was no longer satisfied with the answers I had been telling myself for years. No more excuses having to do with socialization, or family traditions, or daddy or even disney movies. I'm a big girl now. I'm no longer ignorant of these things so I can't use them as excuses or justifications. The truth of the matter was I needed to put my knowledge and my learnings and growth where my mouth was. It was no longer enough for me to talk about how I had grown to know myself and love myself, I have to do it. I have to quit moping around waiting for some figment of my imagination to come and bring me happiness when I am entirely capable of doing that myself.

So, I did.

I realized that my problem was not wanting to be in a relationship, it was the fact that I was putting off things in my life until that happened. I associated too many of the possibilities in my life with someone other than myself and that is never ok. I was turning into what I had grown to hate and I realized that I had to make a change.

So I put away fear and picked love back up, but this love was a different kind of love. A friend of mine told me that one of the most powerful prayers you can pray is to simply say to God, I accept. In doing this you are completely trusting what God has for you and giving up control in order to receive the greatness in store for you. Each day this is my prayer and I have been blessed beyond measure. A wonderful son, my dream job, a wonderful apartment, great family, rockstar friends and the list could be a thousand pages long.

So beginning this calendar year and in a couple days a new life year, I am wrapped in love and gratefulness. Giving up control and trusting that I am receiving everything that God has for me. I definitely think this is the right direction. :)

Until the next song plays...

-Jazz