Ain't That Funny

" It’s been awhile since you came around
Now ya wanna see what’s goin’ down
Tryin’ to tell me why ya want my time
Tryin’ to tell me how I’m on your mind
See it never had to be this way
You should of never played the games you played
Now I’m seein’ that you’re kinda lame
Knowin how the situation change..."
-J-LO


Day 4 guys... I gotta be honest about this, I didn't really think I'd get past day 2 so I'm really feeling good about myself ::pats self on back::

I'm entering my first weekend without love and I can't help but chuckle a little when I think about how foolish love is or has been with me... My soundtrack las led me to J-Lo and although I've never considered myself her number one fan I do think that the lyrics describe perfectly what a phone convo between love and myself at this point if that were possible...
In looking over the past and coming to epiphany #1 I think I've gotten past the anger stage and now I'm like ok you got me good for a long time but now who looks foolish?
Every cause needs an advocate right? And each deity a loyal servant right? Well love just lost both... It's to the point where some people have said that my newfound rehab from love has led them to question love as well... This wasn't my intention but after hearing that I can't help but think... It is kind of funny and they say laughter is the best medicine :)

We'll just say this is my form of methodone for my time in rehab...

I'll take a couple of converts for the dark side and I'll consider it reparations for all I've gone through...




Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Rehab

"Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow"
-Rhianna

OK so day 3 is upon us and I'm starting to understand why detox/rehab is such a hard thing to do. I mean I came into this knowing that I was basically going against everything I have believed in for the past 25 years in search of a new way of living, a new way of doing things. So here I am 3 days in and I'm beginning to take a look at all that love meant to me in the past.

Over the past couple of days I have been re reading my past blogs and having some really great in depth conversations with those around me; that are for the most part supporting this journey and I've come to...

Epiphany #1: Love has left me more empty than it has brought me fulfillment.

(insert a ha moment)

All this time I have wasted advocating for love, believing in it, yearning for it and when I look over the interactions between love and I, I realize that the score seems to be Jazz 0, Love 1 billion. All the crushes, failed relationships, wishing and hoping and thinking and praying... Let's just say that the return on my investment has been disappointing to say the least. With that said I am even more empowered now to complete this detox and expel this black hole of time energy and emotion out of my life.

So for you newcomers...

Just to recap, I'm not saying that love in every form is bad. I quite enjoy and am becoming better at phileo love and I aspire to be able to give agape love but it's that damn eros that I am choosing to reject and detox out of my life. In this detox I am attempting to change the identity I once created and was fettered to as this person that was "in love with love". No longer do I identify with this thought, feeling, emotion that has shown itself to be so draining and quite frankly not worth my time.

So yes I've checked into rehab and I'm actually liking it... clarity of thought is a good thing


Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

If

"If I was your girl
Oh the things I'd do to you
I'd make you call out my name
I'd ask who it belongs to
If I was your woman
The things I'd do to you
But I'm not
So I can't
Then I won't..."
-Janet Jackson

Day 2 of my love rehab is in full force and even though I'm only two days in I feel so free. I woke up this morning with the feeling that the weight of the world was not longer on my shoulders. I got out of bed and picked out an outfit just for me and went about my day as a single girl. I tmay sound silly but for a long time I was going through life waiting for my prince to come and feeling like I was in a constant state of preparation for his arrival. Well no more!

In this new found freedom I stumbled upon a quote that said, "We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for us" I loved this quote and thought it quite appropriate for this time in my life. For years I was married to the "if" and "when" and in that became entangled in chasing that dream. Now for the first time in my adult life I'm no longer tied to this far off fantasy of happily ever after... I no longer have to wonder about the if's any longer and I'm great with that.

I am using this time to not dwell on if or when but right now and how I need to make the most of my life as I'm living it and leave this love shit for the fools that still care...


Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

I'm Single

"And I'm single,
Yeah I'm single,
And I'm single,
Tonight I'm single
And I aint trippin on nothin,
I'm sipping on somethin..."
- Lil Wayne


Ok world I'm about to take this time to scream my truth from the top of my lungs... I'm done and as you may be able to tell from the song, I'm finally in a place where I am facing the reality of my single-dom.

The past 10 months, err 2 years basically have been riddled with hurt after hurt. And to quote an old movie, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

So I bow out. I am done with love; not in the hissy fit way that means I'm more sad than anything else but in the I am forcing myself to review this whole concept and reject it because if it's not working for me it must not be for me. Which as much as it sucks is something that I just have to come to grips with. So instead of getting pissed off at the asshole guy that played me to the left, and knowingly lead me on I'm gonna wish him the best and not blame him because he was just a pawn in this horrible joke called romantic love.

I get it I was never suppose to win at this game. I probably had no business even playing the damn game but I did and I'm choosing not to anymore...

SO I start today... I am (at least for the next 30 days) going to live like romantic love does not exist, like the possibilty of me ever walking down that aisle in a beautiful white gown is not even an option. Yeah I know what you're thinking, "How the hell are you, Jazz, the queen of love gonna pull this off?" I'm not sayin it's gonna be easy I'm just saying I'm gonna try. Desperate times call for desperate measures so I'm going through love detox.

This shit is for the birds and I'm not playin along anymore... We'll see how this goes...


I'm single...


Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Out My Mind, Just In Time

"I'm a recovering undercover over-lover
recovering from a love I can't get over
recovering undercover over-lover..."
-Erykah Badu

I'm an over lover

No longer undercover I'm taking the first step in recovery

O why me? Why does that sad love song keep rackin my brain and why is it that when I listen to the rain each drop is a syllable of... your name?

I know I know it's a shame
I'm hopelessly falling and it's not like you're calling me...
I sit and dream about the us that could be while you seem to most of the time look right through me... It's typical

Typical me cuz that's what I do I fall in love with love which makes me fall in love with you... But
I seem to fall flat each time and in the back of my mind a hope still remains that one day I'll actually get to change my last name... to yours

But after all of this time and too many nights of crying I've decided I'm choosing me, turning off those dumb ass love songs, moving out of the fairytale and into... reality?
I thought I could avoid this exit but after that last text message you sent that broke my heart with the greeting "hey buddy"... I have no other recourse but to force myself to give it up and let go of these pipe dreams....


Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

Love and I

"I really wish we were made to be
happy without love in our life.
To know that I have total control
Over being happy, happy
But reality is I cannot live without love
But I will try tonight"
-Tamia

Ok my loves... This time last year I was so proud of myself. Valentine's Day came and went and I the seemingly last single girl survived without incident. Reading over that blog empowered me throughout the rest of that year and I thought man I really am getting the hang of this being alone thing. Um... fast forward a year later and I am almost too embarrassed to share what Valentine's Day looked like for that same girl. You would think it would be even better and easier to deal with but alas the answer is no!

Valentine's Day this year was a mess! To say the least. Like I said I am ashamed at the outcome of my Valentine's Day 2010 but I am still going to share it because this blog is about growth and love and life and learning. I want it to be real and truly reflective of my life journey and true to life stuff doesn't always work out the way you want it to...

So February 14, 2010 started off in a wonderful way. I got up rested and ready to journey to the house of the Lord. I had gone to dinner and shopping the previous day and the items that I purchased helped to make me feel beautiful which is something that always helps. Church was nice and the sermon was something I needed to hear about God hearing us and being able to use His power to help. Of course I needed that, so anyway I was content to spend my Valentine's Day with my immediate family and our close friends at dinner. It was one of our favorite restaurants and it doubled as a birthday celebration. Sounds all good right? Wrong! As dinner winded to an end talk of "what's next" started and of the three couples that attended the dinner (I was the only non coupled grown person. The other two diners were my son and my 11 year old sister.) two of the couples my parents included decided to make plans. Unbeknown to me I was designated as the night's babysitter because I, as it was so loudly and rudely announced over the entire table by my step-dad, "had no other plans for the night..."

OUCH!

There it was my friends... the salt in the wound that I had tried to bandage. Now of course I'm sure this announcement and designation as the night's babysitter was not a malicious act but wow did it hurt. I mean I was there already uncomfortable in my own skin because it was Valentine's Day and I was alone. Not only was I alone, I was with six other people that were coupled and two people that were not coupled due to age. And as much I had in my mind that I was ok because I was with my family and they loved me I still ended up alone that night. Maybe I should say that I ended up lonely that night. Lonely. Loneliness and I have definitely been getting to know each other a lot lately. It seems that since Love and I broke up, Loneliness had come and taken love's place. I never thought that I could really be this person that I've become. Of course I've had my ups and downs with love. Feelings of being betrayed by love and thinking that I just need to be done seem to have been a theme in my life as of late but I'm at the point now where I don't think that I even broke up with love. I think love broke up with me.

Sure everyone I've talked to about these feelings has given me this textbook "don't feel bad about yourself" advice which basically consists of either telling me that "it, as in love, will come eventually..." whenever the hell eventually is or I am instructed to "just try not to focus on it too much... it comes when you stop thinking about it..." I call BS on both of these poor excuses for encouragement or advice or whatever it is supposed to be. On top of the fact that I don't wanna hear this crap, I also want to know what exactly these tidbits are supposed to mean and make me feel? Yes I know being in a relationship is not the most pressing issue in the world. I get that. However, it is something that I desire and I don't apologize for wanting to be in love. Especially when it seems like everyone around me is falling ass-backwards into relationships without even a thought.

This issue of loneliness is a bit new for me. I mean sure I've been lonely before but not to this extent and not for this amount of time. Usually I can find something or someone to keep me out of the depths of loneliness but not this time. And it wouldn't bother me so much if I hadn't just reached the ephipany that, "I deserve the things that I want in life". For a long time I think I put up with feelings of loneliness because I felt like maybe for some reason I didn't deserve to be in a relationship for whatever reason... but lately, since I've realized how much I do deserve this and am worthy of it, I've just gotten pissed off at loneliness for this abusive relationship we've been in.

So then what the hell is the answer? What's next in this thing we call life? Realizing that I want and deserve love, yet being on the outs with it and feeling like love is engaged to an entity called "everyone else"... The truth is I DON'T KNOW... I don't know what comes next for me and that is the scary part. I don't know how long I will even try or can even continue to try. Even I get tired of dealing with love's BS games. So for the moment I'm stuck in this crap of a relationship with loneliness... We'll see if it can commit...


Until the next song plays...
-Jazz

So Much Things To Say

"Remember that
See when this rain falls, it don't, fall on one man's house top
They've got so much things to say right now
They've got so much, so much things to say
They've got, heh, so much things to say right now"

-Bob Marley

Yes my friends it has been a minute since I've come and shared with you all... Saying I've missed you would truly be an understatement! But to say I've been busy would be one too. Life has thrown some curve balls lately and I find myself needing to come here and open my heart and soul and pour out all those things I haven't been able to say. I've experienced the coming of a New Year and the dawning of a new decade. I've had a birthday and entered the year of 25 which I am very excited about!

So the soundtrack has brought me to a place of having "So much things to say right now..." In this past couple of months I have truly been on a growth spurt. As we all know I have been on this quest to love. Love not only myself in a more effective way but to love those around me in a more healthy way. This journey I know is a life-long one and one that has and will continue to require asking the hard questions to myself, and others as well as being transparent when all you wanna do is hide. Lately I have had to do some of that and it hasn't been pretty. See at this point I'm really trying to put all of the lessons I've been learning into action and begin to be that person. The person that learns from the past and doesn't foolishly repeat it.

So the most recent thing I've had to deal with is my almost fear of taking up for myself when it comes to certain people in my life. I'm in no way a timid person but there are few people that have this way of making me clam up when I know I should speak or cause me to compromise when I shouldn't. So lately the Jazz on the inside has been speaking up for herself, having those courageous conversations and not allowing anyone to steal her space. And I freakin love it!

I have also come to the realization that I deserve all that I want and desire! For too long I have justified the fear and anxiety that has caused me to either not go for the things that I want or has caused me to fool myself into thinking that I don't really want it. I've even gotten to the point of doubting myself and actually believing that others deserved the things that I wanted more than me because they were smarter, or prettier, or whatever. These lies I have been telling myself are so destructive to the me I am growing to be and you know what? They stop today!

I am the best Jazz that I can be right now and if there are things that I want I need to go after them with everything I have inside of me. I have to realize that I have the ability to accomplish any task that I set my mind to with ease and comfort. I also have to choose to see the best that is already inside of me because of who I am as a creation of the Master of the Universe. Does this mean that I have it all together? Of course not. Does this mean that growth stops? Absolutely not! This is where growth continues and becomes effective. We must learn to accept ourselves and that means not allowing ourselves to doubt that we are any less than what we are, and what we are, what I am at this very moment is beautiful. Is the caterpillar any less beautiful than the butterfly?


Ok friends well with all these new revelations life is certainly going to be more exciting :)


Until the next song plays...
-Jazz