Rehab

"Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow"
-Rhianna

OK so day 3 is upon us and I'm starting to understand why detox/rehab is such a hard thing to do. I mean I came into this knowing that I was basically going against everything I have believed in for the past 25 years in search of a new way of living, a new way of doing things. So here I am 3 days in and I'm beginning to take a look at all that love meant to me in the past.

Over the past couple of days I have been re reading my past blogs and having some really great in depth conversations with those around me; that are for the most part supporting this journey and I've come to...

Epiphany #1: Love has left me more empty than it has brought me fulfillment.

(insert a ha moment)

All this time I have wasted advocating for love, believing in it, yearning for it and when I look over the interactions between love and I, I realize that the score seems to be Jazz 0, Love 1 billion. All the crushes, failed relationships, wishing and hoping and thinking and praying... Let's just say that the return on my investment has been disappointing to say the least. With that said I am even more empowered now to complete this detox and expel this black hole of time energy and emotion out of my life.

So for you newcomers...

Just to recap, I'm not saying that love in every form is bad. I quite enjoy and am becoming better at phileo love and I aspire to be able to give agape love but it's that damn eros that I am choosing to reject and detox out of my life. In this detox I am attempting to change the identity I once created and was fettered to as this person that was "in love with love". No longer do I identify with this thought, feeling, emotion that has shown itself to be so draining and quite frankly not worth my time.

So yes I've checked into rehab and I'm actually liking it... clarity of thought is a good thing


Until the next song plays...
-Jazz