"I'm dyin' inside
and nobody knows it but me"
-Tony Rich
Each day I get a little stronger, I process it a little more, I grow a little taller, my heart hurts a little less. But the hardest part aside from healing from the hurt and getting over the initial anger, I miss my friend. I just miss my friend.
I miss what our friendship would have been without any of this. I miss the way that we were. I miss the inside jokes and having a person there that knew me without me having to explain anything. In all of this I can't help but think about if our friendship would have ever gotten to the point it was at without all of the extra. If not for my feelings, I would certainly not have spent that much time with him, or invested what I did, or cared the way I cared. I guess that makes me foolish. I'll give you that.
I finally feel like forgiveness is the resolution to all of this. I don't wanna feed my anger, I don't wanna look back and feel cheated, or bitter, or betrayed, or any of that. I wanna look back and smile. I wanna be able to remember the good times, the inside jokes, and the fun. I wanna tell stories of a friendship that was great, a friend that was there when I needed him. A friend who's season in my life was a bright one. A friend that I will always love, but know that I must love from a far.
I'm a little melancholy today but I'm making it... This is all a part of the process...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Dreamlover
"I don't want another pretender
To disillusion me one more time
Whispering words of forever
Playing with my mind
I need someone to hold on to
The kind of love that won't fly away
I just want someone to belong to
Everyday
Of my life
Always
So come and take me away..."
-Mariah Carey
I was listening to the radio today, and was feeling sorry for myself like I always do in these situations. This song popped up and peaked my interest. It was the first song that I listened to today that made me come out of my self-pity state and actually bob my head and sing along. It's ironic because this used to be my FAVORITE song as a little girl. I used to sit and watch tv waiting for the video to come on, and even at that young age I could understand the words and I knew than that I wanted this dream lover to come and rescue me too. I wanted to be taken away, to be loved, to be sought after... I guess this is the reason I just can't seem to leave love alone... It's been ingrained in me since youth.
Listening to this song today gave me a new perspective on this whole situation. This jerk of and asshole that pretended to be my friend, does NOT get to break me. None of the men in my life that did not know how, or care to, or know how to love me do not get the power of tainting the very thing that I have wanted and desired for my entire life. Love is bigger than them and their insecurities, and failures, and lies, and malicious deeds. Love does not begin or end with them. Not for my life at least. I now more than ever believe, I believe in a dream lover. I believe that he is out there and he is probably just as frustrated with the way that love or pseudo-love has been going in his life at this point. I think that he dreams of meeting a woman that really believes in love, marriage, commitment, trust, and forever. He dreams of finding a woman that still wants to be swept off her feet and that is also fluent in all of the love languages. He too, is tired of pretenders, and those that want to play games. And I bet just like me, he is praying that she doesn't give up on love because that would mean he would never get to reap the love that he's sown.
So I'm here my dream lover.... Ready to begin again, equipped to love completely again, motivated to try it all again because I know you've been wanting this as much as I have and I know that you know me and understand how I feel inside. So come and take me away, up, down, anywhere you want to... Come take me away...
until the next song plays...
-Jazz
To disillusion me one more time
Whispering words of forever
Playing with my mind
I need someone to hold on to
The kind of love that won't fly away
I just want someone to belong to
Everyday
Of my life
Always
So come and take me away..."
-Mariah Carey
I was listening to the radio today, and was feeling sorry for myself like I always do in these situations. This song popped up and peaked my interest. It was the first song that I listened to today that made me come out of my self-pity state and actually bob my head and sing along. It's ironic because this used to be my FAVORITE song as a little girl. I used to sit and watch tv waiting for the video to come on, and even at that young age I could understand the words and I knew than that I wanted this dream lover to come and rescue me too. I wanted to be taken away, to be loved, to be sought after... I guess this is the reason I just can't seem to leave love alone... It's been ingrained in me since youth.
Listening to this song today gave me a new perspective on this whole situation. This jerk of and asshole that pretended to be my friend, does NOT get to break me. None of the men in my life that did not know how, or care to, or know how to love me do not get the power of tainting the very thing that I have wanted and desired for my entire life. Love is bigger than them and their insecurities, and failures, and lies, and malicious deeds. Love does not begin or end with them. Not for my life at least. I now more than ever believe, I believe in a dream lover. I believe that he is out there and he is probably just as frustrated with the way that love or pseudo-love has been going in his life at this point. I think that he dreams of meeting a woman that really believes in love, marriage, commitment, trust, and forever. He dreams of finding a woman that still wants to be swept off her feet and that is also fluent in all of the love languages. He too, is tired of pretenders, and those that want to play games. And I bet just like me, he is praying that she doesn't give up on love because that would mean he would never get to reap the love that he's sown.
So I'm here my dream lover.... Ready to begin again, equipped to love completely again, motivated to try it all again because I know you've been wanting this as much as I have and I know that you know me and understand how I feel inside. So come and take me away, up, down, anywhere you want to... Come take me away...
until the next song plays...
-Jazz
What's Love Got To DO With It?
"Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that"
-Tina Turner
Greetings loves! I am back seemingly for the first time at the place where I vowed to never return. You know this love thing really is for the damn birds.
As you can probably guess from the song title, I am back at odds with love because I really feel like I just can not win. I mean this time, this time it seemed so different. I felt like all the things I usually do wrong I did so right, and all of the things I was scared to do I jumped in head first. I loved this man completely, flaws and all. And at the same time I was able ti recognize that I didn't need him... not to define me or take care of me or even love me... I just wanted, chose, decided to love him.
Well it didn't do me any good. This man that spent most of his free time and beyond in my face, up under me, inviting me to share his life with him, his family, his ups and downs... I invested my time, my love, my complete self into this love and for what? For him to tell me that he sees me as a fuckin friend? ARE WE SERIOUS HERE? I would like to go on record for saying that men that use this friend son and dance to trick women into being there damn place holders are the WORST kind of vomit-like species alive. How can you out of your mouth say "I just really see you as a friend" when your actions show me, and the ENTIRE world the exact opposite? How can you call on me to share your highs and lows, and every other intricate detail of your life and simply call it being a friend? How can you gain my trust that you're "looking out for my best interest", "sharing my life" when in all actuality you watch as I play the fool... And for 3 years???
Three long years where I worked love like it was my job...
Where did I go wrong? How did I find myself BACK in this same damn situation, pissed, depressed, both over and underwhelmed, along with feeling completely used up and half-crazy? Why is it that I continue to sow love into a ground that seems to only be able to reap pain? From this point I have decided that for sure this person MUST be ejected from my life. I simply cannot continue in a friendship where I can't trust your words or actions, where I feel like you sought my demise for your own selfish gain, and in Sade's words he simply, "took my love..."
I'm done being friendly. I don't want and or need not another male "friend". Never again will I put myself in a situation where a man can pull the damn "bait and switch" on me. The current guy friends I have are cool. We have limited meaningful interactions that are reminiscent of a brother/sister bond. No confusion, no problems. But sleepovers, concerts with parents, sharing of finances, long walks in the park and long late night conversations??? HELL NO, NEVER AGAIN...
As you can tell, I'm upset (to say the least) I think I'm most of all flabbergasted that this shit is still going on... Those people in the world that say one thing and do another are the WORST kind of liars on earth. But I'm proud of myself for being honest, both with myself and my feelings. I am so much better to have ended that ruse of a friendship. Every ending is a new beginning right? SO now I begin again... A life that has NOTHING to do with love ( at least not the romantic type)
until the next song plays...
-Jazz
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that"
-Tina Turner
Greetings loves! I am back seemingly for the first time at the place where I vowed to never return. You know this love thing really is for the damn birds.
As you can probably guess from the song title, I am back at odds with love because I really feel like I just can not win. I mean this time, this time it seemed so different. I felt like all the things I usually do wrong I did so right, and all of the things I was scared to do I jumped in head first. I loved this man completely, flaws and all. And at the same time I was able ti recognize that I didn't need him... not to define me or take care of me or even love me... I just wanted, chose, decided to love him.
Well it didn't do me any good. This man that spent most of his free time and beyond in my face, up under me, inviting me to share his life with him, his family, his ups and downs... I invested my time, my love, my complete self into this love and for what? For him to tell me that he sees me as a fuckin friend? ARE WE SERIOUS HERE? I would like to go on record for saying that men that use this friend son and dance to trick women into being there damn place holders are the WORST kind of vomit-like species alive. How can you out of your mouth say "I just really see you as a friend" when your actions show me, and the ENTIRE world the exact opposite? How can you call on me to share your highs and lows, and every other intricate detail of your life and simply call it being a friend? How can you gain my trust that you're "looking out for my best interest", "sharing my life" when in all actuality you watch as I play the fool... And for 3 years???
Three long years where I worked love like it was my job...
Where did I go wrong? How did I find myself BACK in this same damn situation, pissed, depressed, both over and underwhelmed, along with feeling completely used up and half-crazy? Why is it that I continue to sow love into a ground that seems to only be able to reap pain? From this point I have decided that for sure this person MUST be ejected from my life. I simply cannot continue in a friendship where I can't trust your words or actions, where I feel like you sought my demise for your own selfish gain, and in Sade's words he simply, "took my love..."
I'm done being friendly. I don't want and or need not another male "friend". Never again will I put myself in a situation where a man can pull the damn "bait and switch" on me. The current guy friends I have are cool. We have limited meaningful interactions that are reminiscent of a brother/sister bond. No confusion, no problems. But sleepovers, concerts with parents, sharing of finances, long walks in the park and long late night conversations??? HELL NO, NEVER AGAIN...
As you can tell, I'm upset (to say the least) I think I'm most of all flabbergasted that this shit is still going on... Those people in the world that say one thing and do another are the WORST kind of liars on earth. But I'm proud of myself for being honest, both with myself and my feelings. I am so much better to have ended that ruse of a friendship. Every ending is a new beginning right? SO now I begin again... A life that has NOTHING to do with love ( at least not the romantic type)
until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Headed In The Right Direction
"Headed in the right direction
I can see the light of day
I've got faith and intuition
telling me that I will be ok..."
-India Arie
2011... Wow it's a brand new year and about six months from the last time I checked in with you. Detox was rough, but I actually was successful (not at first) in completing it and I feel great. I am in a much better place. A place where bitterness although not completely gone is not a major focus. A place where I'm no longer mad or angry at the penis-ed species. A place where I am each day being more and more introspective. A place where I'm finally content in my singleness....
Rehab caused me to ask a lot of questions and as a result I began this journey to contentment. I began to ask myself why? Why was all of this so important to me? Why was I soo wrapped up in this idea of a man ushering me into my "happily ever after"? And when I asked myself these questions I was no longer satisfied with the answers I had been telling myself for years. No more excuses having to do with socialization, or family traditions, or daddy or even disney movies. I'm a big girl now. I'm no longer ignorant of these things so I can't use them as excuses or justifications. The truth of the matter was I needed to put my knowledge and my learnings and growth where my mouth was. It was no longer enough for me to talk about how I had grown to know myself and love myself, I have to do it. I have to quit moping around waiting for some figment of my imagination to come and bring me happiness when I am entirely capable of doing that myself.
So, I did.
I realized that my problem was not wanting to be in a relationship, it was the fact that I was putting off things in my life until that happened. I associated too many of the possibilities in my life with someone other than myself and that is never ok. I was turning into what I had grown to hate and I realized that I had to make a change.
So I put away fear and picked love back up, but this love was a different kind of love. A friend of mine told me that one of the most powerful prayers you can pray is to simply say to God, I accept. In doing this you are completely trusting what God has for you and giving up control in order to receive the greatness in store for you. Each day this is my prayer and I have been blessed beyond measure. A wonderful son, my dream job, a wonderful apartment, great family, rockstar friends and the list could be a thousand pages long.
So beginning this calendar year and in a couple days a new life year, I am wrapped in love and gratefulness. Giving up control and trusting that I am receiving everything that God has for me. I definitely think this is the right direction. :)
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Good Mourning
"Good mourning independence or is it loneliness? I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets I pray for God's will to be done The very next day you were gone"
-India Arie
Day 20
Speaking of musical comfort the soundtrack brings me to India who is the ultimate musical soulmate...
At this point in my soundtrack I just feel sad... I'm sad that something I want so bad is unattainable. I'm sad that my heart just simply will not submit to this detox and is giving me a hell of a time in my attempt to give up on love... I just want my heart to get with the program. I mean time after time after freakin time life is proving the reality that love is not for me so I need to just stop right?!
I prayed for this... I prayed for my desire to be in a relationship to be taken away since I know that is never gonna happen... Yes it's sad but I'm tired of being sad... I'm tired of feeling down and feeling defeated. I know this is what I wanted when I embarked on this journey but I'm beginning to wonder if I bit off more than I could chew...
Regardless sadness seems to be an emotion I just can't quite get away from nowadays... Things keep happening that cause me to fall off the wagon all over again... They say joy comes in the morning... I just hope it comes after this mourning...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
-India Arie
Day 20
Speaking of musical comfort the soundtrack brings me to India who is the ultimate musical soulmate...
At this point in my soundtrack I just feel sad... I'm sad that something I want so bad is unattainable. I'm sad that my heart just simply will not submit to this detox and is giving me a hell of a time in my attempt to give up on love... I just want my heart to get with the program. I mean time after time after freakin time life is proving the reality that love is not for me so I need to just stop right?!
I prayed for this... I prayed for my desire to be in a relationship to be taken away since I know that is never gonna happen... Yes it's sad but I'm tired of being sad... I'm tired of feeling down and feeling defeated. I know this is what I wanted when I embarked on this journey but I'm beginning to wonder if I bit off more than I could chew...
Regardless sadness seems to be an emotion I just can't quite get away from nowadays... Things keep happening that cause me to fall off the wagon all over again... They say joy comes in the morning... I just hope it comes after this mourning...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Friday, June 25, 2010
Exhale (Shoop Shoop)
"Hearts are often broken
When there are words unspoken
In your soul there's answers to your prayers
If you're searching for a place you know
A familiar face, somewhere to go
You should look inside yourself
You're halfway there"
-Whitney Houston
Day 18...
Love Detox is definitely kicking my butt... Yes I can say I'm doing much better than last time but I'm still at this crossroads in my life where I'm searching fro the answers. The soundtrack has brought me to an artist that serves as the equivalent to comfort food in music form. No matter what is going on I feel like Whitney has a song or even a note that can make it feel better or at least allow me to express that which is so hard to express....
This song came out in a time where love and life were very new concepts to me. I mean I had this cd and I knew all the words to all of the songs and I even had to sneak to see the movie but being of such a young age I didn't really understand what this all was about. This movie was about 4 women that were looking for, needing, desperate for something more. Love had done them all dirty and they were coming to terms with how to deal with it.
I feel like as a young girl I wanted so much to identify most with Bernie, Angela Basette's character that famously burned all of her ex-husband's clothes in his car... I guess I saw her as taking an active step in gaining her closure. But now that I think about it I think Whitney's character is the one that at this time I most identify with.
She was the one that was always going from one bad relationship to the other and then goes from bad to worse when she allows herself to be swept off her feet by a married man that promises her one day he'll leave his family for her.
Now don't get me wrong I've never been with a married man but I know what it feels like to compromise your self, your values, your hopes and dreams to be with some man and his promises. And when you look back on it after it's over for whatever reason, either you coming to your senses or they seem to leave to go on promising someone else, you just are left feeling used up. The longer I'm on this detox the more I realize the bullshit love has put me through. And I set out on this detox first out of bitterness... At love, at men, at relationships, at broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. But the more I reach inside and find the pure love for me that I have been overlooking I realize that I have to let it go...
I have to let go of the bitterness of those past relationships. I have to forgive my ex-fiancee for getting that hoodrat pregnant, and forgive my used-to-be friend that led me on and lied in every interaction we had together. I have to forgive love, and men and most of all myself.
I have to EXHALE.
Shit has been hard, and my love life has sucked but I will never be able to get to that place in my life where real love is waiting for me if I continue to carry around this grudge. And as mad as I am at love I have to fogive it... I have to understand the part I played and I have to let the past go in order to embark on my future. So here I am... transparent for all the world wide web to see...
I am letting it go and I am exhaling and DAMN IT it feels GREAT!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
When there are words unspoken
In your soul there's answers to your prayers
If you're searching for a place you know
A familiar face, somewhere to go
You should look inside yourself
You're halfway there"
-Whitney Houston
Day 18...
Love Detox is definitely kicking my butt... Yes I can say I'm doing much better than last time but I'm still at this crossroads in my life where I'm searching fro the answers. The soundtrack has brought me to an artist that serves as the equivalent to comfort food in music form. No matter what is going on I feel like Whitney has a song or even a note that can make it feel better or at least allow me to express that which is so hard to express....
This song came out in a time where love and life were very new concepts to me. I mean I had this cd and I knew all the words to all of the songs and I even had to sneak to see the movie but being of such a young age I didn't really understand what this all was about. This movie was about 4 women that were looking for, needing, desperate for something more. Love had done them all dirty and they were coming to terms with how to deal with it.
I feel like as a young girl I wanted so much to identify most with Bernie, Angela Basette's character that famously burned all of her ex-husband's clothes in his car... I guess I saw her as taking an active step in gaining her closure. But now that I think about it I think Whitney's character is the one that at this time I most identify with.
She was the one that was always going from one bad relationship to the other and then goes from bad to worse when she allows herself to be swept off her feet by a married man that promises her one day he'll leave his family for her.
Now don't get me wrong I've never been with a married man but I know what it feels like to compromise your self, your values, your hopes and dreams to be with some man and his promises. And when you look back on it after it's over for whatever reason, either you coming to your senses or they seem to leave to go on promising someone else, you just are left feeling used up. The longer I'm on this detox the more I realize the bullshit love has put me through. And I set out on this detox first out of bitterness... At love, at men, at relationships, at broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. But the more I reach inside and find the pure love for me that I have been overlooking I realize that I have to let it go...
I have to let go of the bitterness of those past relationships. I have to forgive my ex-fiancee for getting that hoodrat pregnant, and forgive my used-to-be friend that led me on and lied in every interaction we had together. I have to forgive love, and men and most of all myself.
I have to EXHALE.
Shit has been hard, and my love life has sucked but I will never be able to get to that place in my life where real love is waiting for me if I continue to carry around this grudge. And as mad as I am at love I have to fogive it... I have to understand the part I played and I have to let the past go in order to embark on my future. So here I am... transparent for all the world wide web to see...
I am letting it go and I am exhaling and DAMN IT it feels GREAT!
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Another Again
"So we did it again
Knowing we should quit it, but we simply won't admit it again
Oh it feels good, it's so good, but I won't do it again
It's so dramatic again
After we go at it, we get mad then we go at it again
Oh I love it, then I hate it, she's my favorite again
I'm wasting time
I can't help it she's so fine
Oh I like her style
And I love the way she talks and I smile
As much as we may try
Can't quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime, I guess we say bye-bye"
-John Legend
Day 14
I just don't get it... I am trying my hardest to finalize this long goodbye but love seems to have more of a hold on me than I thought. It's crazy. I have been on this detox for about 2 weeks and although I've never been addicted to an illegal substance I am understanding now why people crawl into corners and rock when going through rehab. See this love detox was so easy at first I mean hey I just start telling my friends that I'm not getting married, I stop thinking about guys, I just remove myself from this damn vicious cycle of crush-hurt-crush again-hurt again. My thoughts initially were that it would of course be hard to de-boycrazy and de-romaticize myself but in the end I'd be fine...
Yeah looks like again I was wrong. I am now realizing how much love and all that it means and encompasses is like a part of my DNA... I am still, even tho I hate jerk-boy (as I so lovingly refer to him) I still can't help this (much smaller now) part of me that wants to find our happily ever after. Yet this same part of me is also the part that cries each time he flaunts yet another of his flavors of the week in my face...
I can't keep doing this so I remind myself over and over of how much I have to do this. There is absolutely no turning back and as much as love is trying to trap me and not let me escape it's grasp I am fighting my way out of this. I am literally fighting myself each day to transform my ways of thinking.... Getting those nouns out of my life and filling up the space with me...
The motivating factor is that I know for a fact I cannot go through another again...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
Knowing we should quit it, but we simply won't admit it again
Oh it feels good, it's so good, but I won't do it again
It's so dramatic again
After we go at it, we get mad then we go at it again
Oh I love it, then I hate it, she's my favorite again
I'm wasting time
I can't help it she's so fine
Oh I like her style
And I love the way she talks and I smile
As much as we may try
Can't quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime, I guess we say bye-bye"
-John Legend
Day 14
I just don't get it... I am trying my hardest to finalize this long goodbye but love seems to have more of a hold on me than I thought. It's crazy. I have been on this detox for about 2 weeks and although I've never been addicted to an illegal substance I am understanding now why people crawl into corners and rock when going through rehab. See this love detox was so easy at first I mean hey I just start telling my friends that I'm not getting married, I stop thinking about guys, I just remove myself from this damn vicious cycle of crush-hurt-crush again-hurt again. My thoughts initially were that it would of course be hard to de-boycrazy and de-romaticize myself but in the end I'd be fine...
Yeah looks like again I was wrong. I am now realizing how much love and all that it means and encompasses is like a part of my DNA... I am still, even tho I hate jerk-boy (as I so lovingly refer to him) I still can't help this (much smaller now) part of me that wants to find our happily ever after. Yet this same part of me is also the part that cries each time he flaunts yet another of his flavors of the week in my face...
I can't keep doing this so I remind myself over and over of how much I have to do this. There is absolutely no turning back and as much as love is trying to trap me and not let me escape it's grasp I am fighting my way out of this. I am literally fighting myself each day to transform my ways of thinking.... Getting those nouns out of my life and filling up the space with me...
The motivating factor is that I know for a fact I cannot go through another again...
Until the next song plays...
-Jazz
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