Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Another Again

"So we did it again
Knowing we should quit it, but we simply won't admit it again
Oh it feels good, it's so good, but I won't do it again
It's so dramatic again
After we go at it, we get mad then we go at it again
Oh I love it, then I hate it, she's my favorite again
I'm wasting time
I can't help it she's so fine
Oh I like her style
And I love the way she talks and I smile
As much as we may try
Can't quite see eye to eye
So in the meantime, I guess we say bye-bye"
-John Legend

Day 14

I just don't get it... I am trying my hardest to finalize this long goodbye but love seems to have more of a hold on me than I thought. It's crazy. I have been on this detox for about 2 weeks and although I've never been addicted to an illegal substance I am understanding now why people crawl into corners and rock when going through rehab. See this love detox was so easy at first I mean hey I just start telling my friends that I'm not getting married, I stop thinking about guys, I just remove myself from this damn vicious cycle of crush-hurt-crush again-hurt again. My thoughts initially were that it would of course be hard to de-boycrazy and de-romaticize myself but in the end I'd be fine...

Yeah looks like again I was wrong. I am now realizing how much love and all that it means and encompasses is like a part of my DNA... I am still, even tho I hate jerk-boy (as I so lovingly refer to him) I still can't help this (much smaller now) part of me that wants to find our happily ever after. Yet this same part of me is also the part that cries each time he flaunts yet another of his flavors of the week in my face...

I can't keep doing this so I remind myself over and over of how much I have to do this. There is absolutely no turning back and as much as love is trying to trap me and not let me escape it's grasp I am fighting my way out of this. I am literally fighting myself each day to transform my ways of thinking.... Getting those nouns out of my life and filling up the space with me...

The motivating factor is that I know for a fact I cannot go through another again...

Until the next song plays...

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