Friday, June 25, 2010

Exhale (Shoop Shoop)

"Hearts are often broken
When there are words unspoken
In your soul there's answers to your prayers
If you're searching for a place you know
A familiar face, somewhere to go
You should look inside yourself
You're halfway there"
-Whitney Houston

Day 18...

Love Detox is definitely kicking my butt... Yes I can say I'm doing much better than last time but I'm still at this crossroads in my life where I'm searching fro the answers. The soundtrack has brought me to an artist that serves as the equivalent to comfort food in music form. No matter what is going on I feel like Whitney has a song or even a note that can make it feel better or at least allow me to express that which is so hard to express....

This song came out in a time where love and life were very new concepts to me. I mean I had this cd and I knew all the words to all of the songs and I even had to sneak to see the movie but being of such a young age I didn't really understand what this all was about. This movie was about 4 women that were looking for, needing, desperate for something more. Love had done them all dirty and they were coming to terms with how to deal with it.

I feel like as a young girl I wanted so much to identify most with Bernie, Angela Basette's character that famously burned all of her ex-husband's clothes in his car... I guess I saw her as taking an active step in gaining her closure. But now that I think about it I think Whitney's character is the one that at this time I most identify with.
She was the one that was always going from one bad relationship to the other and then goes from bad to worse when she allows herself to be swept off her feet by a married man that promises her one day he'll leave his family for her.

Now don't get me wrong I've never been with a married man but I know what it feels like to compromise your self, your values, your hopes and dreams to be with some man and his promises. And when you look back on it after it's over for whatever reason, either you coming to your senses or they seem to leave to go on promising someone else, you just are left feeling used up. The longer I'm on this detox the more I realize the bullshit love has put me through. And I set out on this detox first out of bitterness... At love, at men, at relationships, at broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. But the more I reach inside and find the pure love for me that I have been overlooking I realize that I have to let it go...

I have to let go of the bitterness of those past relationships. I have to forgive my ex-fiancee for getting that hoodrat pregnant, and forgive my used-to-be friend that led me on and lied in every interaction we had together. I have to forgive love, and men and most of all myself.

I have to EXHALE.

Shit has been hard, and my love life has sucked but I will never be able to get to that place in my life where real love is waiting for me if I continue to carry around this grudge. And as mad as I am at love I have to fogive it... I have to understand the part I played and I have to let the past go in order to embark on my future. So here I am... transparent for all the world wide web to see...

I am letting it go and I am exhaling and DAMN IT it feels GREAT!

Until the next song plays...

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