Friday, June 18, 2010

Long Goodbye

"you loved me crazy
I lost my mind
you're everything I never wanted
and all the things I didn't need
this ain't who I wanna be
you don't have to stay forever
I'll take passion over pride
full moon, high tide
let's make it a long goodbye"
- India Arie

10 days...

I'm not really sure how to feel world. I mean in some ways I'm very proud of myself and I think that I'm making great strides in overcoming fear and looking life and love in the face and coming out better than I was before. But there has been as expected these overwhelming feelings of sadness. And it's not just sadness that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life but sadness that this was the conclusion that love brought me to. I mean yeah I get it nothing in this world is promised and I have had these conversations about my disappointment with love ad nauseum. But I have gotten to the point where I just feel like I've wasted so much time playing games with love, investing in it and to get to this point of knowing I will never love again has me all messed up.

I know I know I haven't forgotten epiphany #1 or 2 but I guess this is the part of rehab that has people climbing walls. You know that whatever poison you continue to push through your veins has only lead to hurt, disappointment, failure, anger, and hurt yet when someone takes it away or you chose to go away you want it so bad because for however long you've been it's addict you've been addicted to the minimal high it gives and at the same time you hate the very essence of it because of how low it brings you...

Damn I didn't realize it was this bad... I knew better...

And the funny part about it is that soooo many guys have been showing their interest toward me since I've begun detox and it kind of pisses me off. I guess love really begins to miss the water when the well runs dry... On top of all of this I just don't know how to feel about certain things before I mean I never said I woudl never be attracted to anyone ever again and how exactly does this attraction look? And how do I navigate dating? Will I never date again or just never get married? I dunno I have A LOT of self-inventory to do.

These questions are good tho because I'm really getting to the heart of this fear and this new chapter in my life. Pain is good some say it's fear leaving the body... I guess for me it's my way of saying goodbye...

Until the next song plays...
- Jazz

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